I don't know what happened...I've been doing fine. Keeping the house clean and the dogs fed. Picking up the kids from tennis and baseball. Getting my ass out of bed everyday and going to work. Climbing into bed at night, without my Superman's body tangled up with mine.
I am supposed to be the strong one. I'm supposed to be the one that keeps it all together until he comes home. But I am falling apart.
3 weeks is not that long, he's coming home on Friday? maybe? But I'm not sleeping. 2 am, 3 am, 4 am...until my alarm goes off at 6 and I toss and turn and worry. What am I so worried about? I don't know. He still calls me everyday. Sends me text messages. Tells me how much he loves me. But I can hear the tension in his voice, the stress of the last few weeks, building. He's testy and impatient. He's tired and he doesn't feel well. He hates that the only work they have for him right now is out of state and because we gotta pay the bills, and there are no other jobs out there right now, he doesn't have a choice.
And dang, I've got it made...I've got my own bed, my own shower, my kids around me. I get my clothes out of a closet, not a suitcase and I have a washer and a dryer right down the hall anytime I need it. What do I have to bitch about? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I feel like this is my fault. Maybe if we didn't live in this house or I didn't drive this car. Maybe I spend too much on groceries or I shouldn't have brought home another dog to feed. I feel like he's doing all of this for me, cuz he feels like he has to. But he doesn't. I would live in a camp trailer as long as I had him by my side. As long as he was happy and not stressed and didn't have to work so damn hard.
So here I am on this perfectly normal Tuesday, sitting at my desk, trying not to completely lose my mind. The worst part is, the cracks are starting to show. How can a normal, sane person go from well...normal and sane...to a basket case in 12 hours? I don't know what to do? I feel sick in my body and my soul. I hate the way I look and the weight I've gained. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry. I haven't felt such despair since...I can't even remember when and it feels like it's not going away anytime soon. How am I going to hide this from my superman? How the hell am I going to put on my smile and hug and kiss him when he gets home? How am I going to go home today and pretend in front of my kids that life is roses? This isn't as easy as saying "SNAP OUT OF IT!" Believe me, I've tried.
It's gotta be some kind of chemical imbalance right? I mean...mood=despair is not a normal emotion. Mood=sad? Yes. Mood=Tired? Yes. Normal. But mood=want to curl up in a ball and cry till it hurts...I don't think that's normal.
I'm asking for your help. Who am I asking? Whoever! Whoever knows? Understands? What do I do? See a doctor? Run a 5k? Go out and get sloppy drunk? How do I pull myself out of this? It hurts. I need to see the sun again. Cuz it's getting blacker and I'm afraid of the dark.
5 comments:
LEE! I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. But I also know it isn't that easy, Anything I say won't make you feel "all better" but I do want to say that I am thinking and praying for you! You are an awesome girl and should know that I look up to you. Remember you are never alone. There is always someone you can talk to. Love Brandi
Thanks Brandi! You have no idea how much that means to me.
I am sorry you are feeling sad. You are so beautiful and loved. Your Superman adores you. We all do. I will do whatever you need. Love you tons!
Be honest with your man, is what I say. I get into such a bad place when I try to hide my true feelings from my man and then I go into some sort of nuclear freak-out, trying to make him understand ALL OF A SUDDEN AND AT ONCE. Trying to protect him doesn't work and ends up making it worse.
Meanwhile, know that a feeling is just a feeling and you'll live to see the sun again.
I promise.
And if you need help, go to a doctor!
Sister! I love you!
Ms. Moon, thank you for your good advice. You're right, I am just trying to protect him and he didn't know what to do yesterday when I burst into tears in his arms. He had no idea I was feeling so bad. I would expect him to come to me if he were feeling blue. I'll have to try to be more open with him.
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