com-plete: having all parts; lacking nothing; whole; entire; full

I spent the first 12 years of my daughter's life single and focused only on getting the two of us through the next day. We lived paycheck to paycheck. We lived in a 2 bedroom slum and I worked full time at a job I hated. I didn't date much. I had no time and the complications were just too much to take on my already full plate. And I LOVE my daughter. She is the reason I stayed at a job I hated, the reason I got my tired ass out of bed to church on Sundays, sometimes the only reason I kept on day after day, the reason I laugh, cry, smile, live and love. She has managed to put up with me and at 15 years old has turned out to be a wonderful, sweet, GreenDay loving, Hot Topic shopping, cartoon drawing, unique, talented tomboy.

A few years ago I met and fell in love with my super hero. He would be only the second man I dated that I introduced to my daughter and would be the only man that I would have considered good enough to help me raise my child. She NEVER resented that she had to share me with him and has handled the fact that I moved her to a new town in the middle of nowhere and given her 4 new sisters like a champ. It wasn't easy but considering that she could have turned to drugs or run away from home or any other of the horrible things you hear about I would say she did EXCELLENT! And I honestly believe that she sucked it up and adapted so well because she wanted to see me happy. I'm telling you....SHE IS....well....she is perfect.

When I got pregnant with my girl I was 20 years old and not a very nice person. I lived a pretty selfish life. For reasons that I may get into later, I was one messed up cookie. I was manipulative and mean. I only cared about the next party, the next good time. My parents had written me off and I was on my own moving from place to place. My daughter's father was 10 years older than me and also liked a good party. He was a lost soul and we all know what happens when two lost souls meet. We just got more lost. By the time I found out I was pregnant, the two of us had moved back to my home state and both of us were out of work, broke and hating each other. When I told him I was pregnant, he told me to get an abortion or get out. I left. I was scared, homeless and living in my car. I ended up going to my family who I had treated so crappy and tried living with first my father, then some friends and finally ended up in an unfinished apartment above my mother's ex-husband's garage. It had no running water, no toilet and I was at the lowest point in my life. I wanted to die but couldn't because I had this little "creature" growing inside of me. I blamed it (her) for my situation (far be it for me to point the finger at myself) and was mad at the world. I put on a good face but I couldn't wait for her to get out so I could go back to my old life. I felt I had been put "on hold".

Fast forward through nine long dark months to a Spring day 15 years ago and they are putting this tiny, screaming creature into my arms. I hear my mom say"Talk to your daughter."

Me: Hi Baby.

She instantly stops crying, like someone flipped a switch and just stares at me.

Me: I'm your mommy.

Just silently staring at me, blinking and looking directly into my eyes. She can't talk but I can still hear her...no... SEE her...saying to me with her eyes....Hi mommy. I know you. I love you.

Suddenly, I was whole....complete. In that one moment, that instant of quiet bonding I became a different person. Suddenly I was living because she was there. She filled the space in me that I didn't even know I was missing.

I never did go back to my old ways. I didn't see most of my party crowd again and most of the friends that I did have moved on to bigger parties and more disfunction. Daddy skipped town for good when my daughter was four months old never to be seen again. And I became mommy. And I LOVED it. I never did a single thing that was for myself only. Everything.....EVERYTHING I did from that moment on was for her.

I hope that she knows. I hope that she sees that I don't breathe without her. That I don't make any decisions but that I first think of her. That even when I'm angry with her that I still love her more than my own life. When she hurts, I hurt. When she's happy, I'm happy... because we are the same. We are part of each other....complete.