Always a bridesmaid....

THIS is my Superman's oldest daughter! I know...SHE'S SUPERMODEL STUNNING! For the sake of this blog I will call her Sydney cuz that is where she is currently living. The lovely man with her is her fiance. I will call him PC, which is short for Prince Charming. They are getting married in February in Australia. Which means that ONE, we will have to help pay for the wedding, TWO, we will have to pay the airfare, passport fees, resident alien renewal fees, hotels, meals, etc. etc... for myself, my superman and our four girls for a two week stay. YIKES!

DON'T get me wrong! We are THRILLED!!!! Over the moon with happiness!!! PC is a FANTASTIC guy!!! And we don't want them to wait. They are perfect for each other and Sydney has not been this happy in a very long time. So Sydney....if you are reading this....I would pay ANY amount to see you marry this man and I would shell it out with a smile on my face! Just want to be clear on that point!

I was lucky enough to know a few days before the big proposal that it was going to happen and that Sydney would say yes. I was UNlucky enough to be sworn to secrecy because Sydney wanted to surprise her dad. Do you know how hard it is to NOT TELL the man you share EVERYTHING with that his BABY! his FIRSTBORN! is going to be getting married? WELL IT'S NOT EASY, SYDNEY! NOT EASY!!!!

So my superman and I are in Walmart and Prince Charming calls.

PC: "Hi, Brother Superman? It's PC."

Superman: "Who?"

Hee Hee.

At this point I walk away cuz I just wanted to give the man some breathing room, ya know?

PC: "I want to ask Sydney to marry me tonight and would like to ask your permission first."

Superman: "Um, YEAH, Um. Do you think she'll say yes?"

Now I am trying not to laugh hysterically and have to walk around to another aisle to keep him from seeing the look on my face.

Suddenly I am HIT...HARD...in the arm as it dawns on Superman that I KNEW all about this and have been keeping it from him. He's pointing his finger at me and mouthing scary threats.

And he has this shell shocked look on his face...like someone has just smacked him in the head and he doesn't know whether it was funny or if he should be ticked off.

Anyhoo...he made it through the conversation. Once he started breathing again and thinking clearly he told PC that yes, it is wonderful and yes, we are so happy and to please call us as soon as it's all over so we can get all the details. Once he had hung up it was time to hug him and smile and convince him that this is a good thing, that this is what Sydney wants and that yes, honey, PC is a GREAT guy and he will treat your baby like a princess.

And we are really really really happy for her! And I can't wait to see them come out of the temple as husband and wife. And I can't wait to dance at her reception and toast to their eternal happiness.

Except.....

My superman and I are also supposed to get married. This year. And as I am hugging my honey and laughing and talking about the money and the trip, this little nagging thought is swirling over and over in my head.... there is NO WAY my superman and I will be able to get married now. At least not until next Spring or next Summer. It's not Sydney's fault. Or even PC's. It's just that if I want a real wedding, I will have to wait.

I didn't bring up this little tidbit to my superman until a few weeks had gone by. He feels bad and says over and over that it doesn't cost hardly anything to go to the courthouse. And he's right. That would be the cheapest and fastest way to get it done. But I don't want to just GET IT DONE. I want a wedding. Nothing grand. I was never one of those girls who fantasized about her wedding day and picked her colors and her flowers and had her bridesmaids all picked out in the 10th grade. I really don't like to be the center of attention. But I DO want to walk down the aisle. I do want to see the look on my superman's face as I walk towards him. I do want my children standing up there in matching dresses and holding bouquets. I want a cake and a dinner and I want our parents and my brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews there.

I KNOW that it's not about the day, it's about committing yourself to the one you love. OK, I get that! But we have already DONE that. We ARE married in our hearts. Now I just want to celebrate it. Is that selfish of me? I'm 36 years old for heaven's sake! I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 years. We are raising our children together. We pay our bills together. And it's not like we haven't had a billion little honeymoons over the last few years but still...

Of course I would go to the courthouse and I would stand up and shout my vows from the rooftops and it will still be one of the happiest days of my life. But will I regret not having a wedding? Will we be fifty years old and renewing our vows in front of Elvis in Vegas just so I can capture some lost experience? Or will none of that matter when I become Mrs. Superman?

I wish I could see into the future. I wish we could just win to lotto or inherit some serious CASH. I would pay for Sydney's wedding and fly them to Tahiti for their honeymoon. And the day they get back, me, my superman, our girls including Sydney and our new PC-in-law would welcome our family and friends to the biggest wedding bash the world has ever seen.

I think I deserve it. I've waited long enough.