Curiosity really DOES kill the cat!

Our precious Luda Passed Away September 27, 2008

I know what you're all thinking....Oh my gosh, it's just a cat! But for us, Luda wasn't just a cat! She brought us happiness and laughter and we LOVED her. She was hit by a car and managed to make it home to her family before passing away. And our hearts are broken.

Now here is what I don't understand...I have seen dozens of cats on or near the road in my lifetime and I have managed to avoid hitting EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. So all I can figure out is that 1) the guy driving the truck intentionally swerved to hit my cat (in which case I hope you step on a fire ant hill wearing nothing but your underwear) or 2) he was doing Mach 90 down my street and didn't see her in time to avoid her (in which case, I still curse you but you can be wearing socks with your underwear). Either way, I am devastated and my children are broken hearted. Even Superman has shed tears for our precious friend.

Luda, you have left a hole in our family that can never be filled. My sock basket where you used to sleep is too empty, the thumping and tinkling bell we heard every night, you nocturnal little beast, is silenced forever and WE LOVE YOU and WE MISS YOU and we hope you are so happy in heaven because even though you never caught a single mouse, you shed on the furniture, you climbed up my curtains and you beat up on Cris every day, you were a good little kitty and your fate was not deserved.

P.S. I found this little pink paper this morning after the kids had caught the bus and I was leaving for work. Looks like my little tomato said it best:

Translation: Luda, I love you so so so much. Please make a sign on the paper so I know you love me too. If you do then give me a sign so I know that you will be with me forever and God, please make sure Luda is in your safety. Yes or No. Sign Please!

R.I.P our precious Luda

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! No...It's...MY SUPERMAN!

Today is Superman's 46th birthday! As I've mentioned before, Superman and I met on Planet Vernal. I was visiting my best friend who was secretly trying to set me up with someone...make that ANYONE...from her husband's work. She had invited SEVERAL men to go out with us that night. I think she was hoping one of them might stick. She did this in secret. I would have protested loudly and possibly violently had I known what she was up to.
All the "candidates" had several things in common: They were all big boys, solid, wide, beer belly, trucker hat wearing, tobacco chewing good ol' boys. Don't get me wrong, most of them were really nice but as it dawned on me that there were no women showing up for this night of fun and that my BFF kept parading me in front of them like a prize pony at the stock show, I started to get really worried. I actually HID OUT...in the kitchen...with the kids.

My BFF came into the kitchen about 30 minutes into this little shindig and said to me, "Wait till you meet Superman, he's HUGE!" As I look out into the living room at the three men taking up EVERY INCH of the 8 foot sofa and the two others happily guzzling their third and fourth Budweiser on the love seat, I'm thinking...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Enter Superman! 6' 4" tall, 270 pounds of SOLID BEEFCAKE muscle, dark curly hair, deep brown eyes and his smell...OMG HIS SMELL...I'm breaking into a sweat just thinking about it.

Needless to say...I was hooked. At the end of the night, Superman walked me to the front door and as we were saying goodbye, without even thinking about it, I kissed him. Yeah, I know...just planted one on him. And I SWEAR...I did NOT see that coming. If he hadn't kissed me back I would have died of shame. But that kiss...it was WOW! WOW!

The next day he followed me home. I know what you're thinking people...no, he didn't stay at my house. He stayed at his sister's like a perfect gentleman. After that we had the best three dates of MY ENTIRE LIFE. And we have been together ever since.

So for your birthday, baby, a list of 25 random things about you and things that I love about you to share with the world...

1. Superman was born and raised in Auckland, New Zealand.
2. He has lived in New Zealand, Australia, Samoa and the good ol' U.S. of A.
3. He speaks two languages.
4. His accent is delicious.
5. He NEVER lies.
6. He has eight brother and sisters.
7. His mum passed away 26 years ago.
8. He still can't talk about her without getting teary.
9. He is named after his father.
10. He has his father's gentle personality.
11. His daughters are FIERCELY devoted to him.
12. He is a WONDERFUL father.
13. He can do mathematical equations in his head with super speed.
14. He can't spell worth a damn.
15. He used to play rugby.
16. He is an excellent cook.
17. He does housework.
18. He can make me laugh even when I am so mad I could kill somebody.
19. My mom says he is the perfect compliment to my personality.
20. I agree.
21. There is a reason I call him Superman.
22. He would KILL me if I told you what the reason is. (Use your imagination and NO...It's not what you're thinking....PERVS!)
23. He can talk on the phone for hours.
24. I have never seen him angry.
25. He LAUGHS all the time at EVERYTHING.

Superman DOES have his faults. He like action movies, he is meticulously clean, he naps in the afternoon, he insists on washing the cars every day he has off and it takes him like 2 hours, he won't fight with me, he is a push over when it comes to the girls getting their way, he has only read one book in his life, WHAT? But the truth is, if that is the worst I can ever expect from him then life is pretty good.

Honestly, I could never do him justice with words in a blog. My feelings are just too big, too strong. And I know now that I have never truly loved someone with my whole heart until he came along. I've never been so happy. ALL THE TIME happy. I've never been so at PEACE. There is never a moment when I think I've made a mistake or not wanted him there. We just fit perfectly. He was meant to find me and I was meant to find him and God knew what he was doing when he made me wait so long.

So Happy Birthday, my love. May there be many more. I promise to still love you when you have no teeth and your hair has turned white and the highlight of our day is pushing your walker to the back porch to watch the sunset. I will be sitting beside you holding your hand and I know we will still be laughing. Alofa Tele, my superman.

Always a bridesmaid....

THIS is my Superman's oldest daughter! I know...SHE'S SUPERMODEL STUNNING! For the sake of this blog I will call her Sydney cuz that is where she is currently living. The lovely man with her is her fiance. I will call him PC, which is short for Prince Charming. They are getting married in February in Australia. Which means that ONE, we will have to help pay for the wedding, TWO, we will have to pay the airfare, passport fees, resident alien renewal fees, hotels, meals, etc. etc... for myself, my superman and our four girls for a two week stay. YIKES!

DON'T get me wrong! We are THRILLED!!!! Over the moon with happiness!!! PC is a FANTASTIC guy!!! And we don't want them to wait. They are perfect for each other and Sydney has not been this happy in a very long time. So Sydney....if you are reading this....I would pay ANY amount to see you marry this man and I would shell it out with a smile on my face! Just want to be clear on that point!

I was lucky enough to know a few days before the big proposal that it was going to happen and that Sydney would say yes. I was UNlucky enough to be sworn to secrecy because Sydney wanted to surprise her dad. Do you know how hard it is to NOT TELL the man you share EVERYTHING with that his BABY! his FIRSTBORN! is going to be getting married? WELL IT'S NOT EASY, SYDNEY! NOT EASY!!!!

So my superman and I are in Walmart and Prince Charming calls.

PC: "Hi, Brother Superman? It's PC."

Superman: "Who?"

Hee Hee.

At this point I walk away cuz I just wanted to give the man some breathing room, ya know?

PC: "I want to ask Sydney to marry me tonight and would like to ask your permission first."

Superman: "Um, YEAH, Um. Do you think she'll say yes?"

Now I am trying not to laugh hysterically and have to walk around to another aisle to keep him from seeing the look on my face.

Suddenly I am HIT...HARD...in the arm as it dawns on Superman that I KNEW all about this and have been keeping it from him. He's pointing his finger at me and mouthing scary threats.

And he has this shell shocked look on his face...like someone has just smacked him in the head and he doesn't know whether it was funny or if he should be ticked off.

Anyhoo...he made it through the conversation. Once he started breathing again and thinking clearly he told PC that yes, it is wonderful and yes, we are so happy and to please call us as soon as it's all over so we can get all the details. Once he had hung up it was time to hug him and smile and convince him that this is a good thing, that this is what Sydney wants and that yes, honey, PC is a GREAT guy and he will treat your baby like a princess.

And we are really really really happy for her! And I can't wait to see them come out of the temple as husband and wife. And I can't wait to dance at her reception and toast to their eternal happiness.

Except.....

My superman and I are also supposed to get married. This year. And as I am hugging my honey and laughing and talking about the money and the trip, this little nagging thought is swirling over and over in my head.... there is NO WAY my superman and I will be able to get married now. At least not until next Spring or next Summer. It's not Sydney's fault. Or even PC's. It's just that if I want a real wedding, I will have to wait.

I didn't bring up this little tidbit to my superman until a few weeks had gone by. He feels bad and says over and over that it doesn't cost hardly anything to go to the courthouse. And he's right. That would be the cheapest and fastest way to get it done. But I don't want to just GET IT DONE. I want a wedding. Nothing grand. I was never one of those girls who fantasized about her wedding day and picked her colors and her flowers and had her bridesmaids all picked out in the 10th grade. I really don't like to be the center of attention. But I DO want to walk down the aisle. I do want to see the look on my superman's face as I walk towards him. I do want my children standing up there in matching dresses and holding bouquets. I want a cake and a dinner and I want our parents and my brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews there.

I KNOW that it's not about the day, it's about committing yourself to the one you love. OK, I get that! But we have already DONE that. We ARE married in our hearts. Now I just want to celebrate it. Is that selfish of me? I'm 36 years old for heaven's sake! I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 years. We are raising our children together. We pay our bills together. And it's not like we haven't had a billion little honeymoons over the last few years but still...

Of course I would go to the courthouse and I would stand up and shout my vows from the rooftops and it will still be one of the happiest days of my life. But will I regret not having a wedding? Will we be fifty years old and renewing our vows in front of Elvis in Vegas just so I can capture some lost experience? Or will none of that matter when I become Mrs. Superman?

I wish I could see into the future. I wish we could just win to lotto or inherit some serious CASH. I would pay for Sydney's wedding and fly them to Tahiti for their honeymoon. And the day they get back, me, my superman, our girls including Sydney and our new PC-in-law would welcome our family and friends to the biggest wedding bash the world has ever seen.

I think I deserve it. I've waited long enough.

25 Things......

1. I have a twin brother
2. We don't look anything alike.
3. In High School, most people didn't even know we were related.
4. I grew up in a haunted house.
5. I had the highest S.A.T. score in my high school.
6. I barely graduated.
7. We had squirrels for pets.
8. I hate my hometown and only go back there when I have to.
9. My favorite TV show right now is Ghost hunters.
10. My favorite TV show of all time is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
11. I've been engaged to be married four times.
12. I don't believe in settling for less.
13. I have an idea of the perfect man.
14. I believe that at 36 years old, I have finally found him.
15. I have two stepbrothers, three stepsisters and three half sisters.
16. One of my half sisters is my best friend.
17. I know bad words in both Maori and Samoan.
18. I also know "I love you" in both Maori and Samoan.
19. I am a full foot shorter than my super hero.
20. My favorite book is To Kill a Mockingbird.
21. I am a Sagittarius.
22. I open my mouth to speak and whatever I am thinking just comes out.
23. Sometimes this pisses people off.
24. I am thinking of moving my family to Australia.
25. I wish I had a better relationship with my father.

Beauty One and Beauty Two

I have to put The Two Beauties in the same post because they are really two halves of the same whole. I have never seen two sisters who are so different and yet so close. Beauty One is fiercely independent, confident and has a serious shoe fetish. The girl has 50 pair of shoes. It's ridiculous. She graduated from high school two years ago and has no idea what she wants to be or any plans for the future. Right now her immediate plans are to find and job and save money to go to Australia for her sister's wedding in February. Beyond that....???? That's OK though. She's young and fearless. Her possibilities are endless. She is also the peacemaker in the family. By peacemaker I don't mean quietly or gently telling her sisters that they are behaving badly. She keeps the peace by saying things like "Shut up, Stupid! Why are you acting like that?" or "Oh no, you did not just say that." or "Ima punch your face if you don't get up and do it now!" And inexplicably, the younger girls jump to it and do whatever it is their sister wants them to do. I didn't realize how much of an influence Beauty One has over her sisters until she left us for several months after her senior year. I lost complete control of her two younger sisters because I have a hard time being tough on them and their father is even worse than I am...lucky for us, they are just naturally good girls...but when Beauty One came home, the balance was restored. She quickly put all the younger girls in their place and with a few well said "shut up, Stupids" the girls were again giving us the respect we deserved. Well...kinda. As much respect as you can get from teenagers.

Beauty One has a quick wit and finds everything funny. She has too many friends and spends hours on the phone. Everyone who meets her loves her and wants to hang out with her. Including her younger sisters who absolutely IDOLIZE her. Because she is so fun and also so pretty, she can get away with murder. When she's in trouble she smiles this huge smile and says "OK!" in a high pitched "I couldn't possibly do anything wrong" voice and you just let her get away with it. Everyone does. The only person this doesn't get by is her Auntie. It doesn't fool her ONE BIT. But I'm telling you, this girl is the WHOLE package. Smart, sweet, beautiful and fun. I don't know what she will end up doing with herself but I can guarantee that she will be just fine. This girl can take care of herself. She is the first of my stepchildren to ever say the words "I love you" to me and she will probably never know how much that means.

Beauty Two is 3 years younger than her big sister. Where Beauty One is loud and flirty, Beauty Two is quiet and shy. Beauty One flirts with boys just to flirt. She has no intention of getting into a "relationship" with a boy, she just likes the attention. Beauty Two also likes the attention unless it's a boy she really likes. Then she clams up and won't say a word. I'm sure that most of the boys she wants really do like her as much but they think she doesn't give a crap about them cuz she won't even give them the time of day. She is quiet, unless she's with her sisters or her friends, super smart (she gets the best grades of all my girls), she's every teachers pet and they let her get away with just about anything. If the girls in her class aren't her friend, they at least know who she is. She's also a really good basketball player and is just naturally athletic. She's good at anything she tries to do.

Beauty Two is also the moodiest of the beauties. When she is mad or doesn't get her way she can make the whole house miserable. Nothing can pull her out of her bad moods unless its new clothes, new shoes or just giving her money. She loves to drive anything, wants a Range Rover when she gets her license (yeah right, good luck with that) and she's the daughter who put the first big ding in my beautiful Expedition (ARGGGGG!!!!!) But you can't be mad at her cuz she can cry with the best of them. Out of all the girls she demands the most attention and you just naturally want to give it to her. She's also the most helpful to me as far as housework and dinner. She's always lending a hand and steps it up a notch or two especially when she wants something (which is pretty much all the time). Beauty Two and the little tomato fight constantly. Over everything. It makes me crazy. But they can be ready to kill each other one minute and be laughing hysterically the next. They usually start laughing when I start yelling cuz even though I think I am really scary and ferocious, they just think I'm hilarious.

The two Beauties together is really something wonderful to behold. Beauty One looks out for her sister even if it's just to tell her that her outfit looks bad. (Ummm...you're really not going out like that, are you?) When the girls were living out of the country, Beauty One made sure that the money we sent her was allocated where it needed to be and that her little sister had the things she needed. When it came time for the girls to come here and live, it was Beauty One who insisted that Beauty Two needed to come with her and not be left behind. When they are at home, they talk all night about everything. There are no secrets between them and when one or the other feels that it is a secret that needs to be told to me or her father they give each other the encouragement to do it. The do each other's hair, they share each other clothes and jewelry and when they are married one day and having babies, they will raise each other's children. They are EVERYTHING two sisters should be to each other.

My hope is that they will never take each other for granted, they will never have a fight that can't be patched up in five minutes, they will always live within driving distance or at least texting distance of each other. I hope they will always know how much I admire them, how much I love them and how blessed I am to have them in my life.

The stepmother is not always "The Stepmonster"

My superman was living by himself on Planet Vernal when we met. He told me that he had four girls, told me their names and showed me some pictures and I could tell how proud he was of them but other than that I didn't know much. I knew they lived in another country with their mom. I knew that she left with the kids and left him with her mess to clean up. I knew that the girls loved their father very much and I knew that my superman missed his girls so much that sometimes he cried. I knew he sent them money every paycheck and I knew he spoke to them whenever he could. That was about it.

Things changed one night when he came to pick me up for a night out and he was smiling and excited after talking to his girls. We had only been seeing each other for a few months and I KNEW I was in love with him but I had been reserving any strong emotional outburst of my undying devotion to him (omg...the sap!) until I had this father-daughter relationship of his figured out. Anyhoo, he had told his girls that after a year of singledom, he had met and fallen in love with someone and their reaction was elation. They shrieked and yelled and cried with joy that he had finally taken the step away from his unhappy 20 year marriage and was moving on to something promising and hopeful.

I was floored. You see and hear all the time about children being upset with their parents for dating and hating the new significant other. You hear that children resent the fact that their parents don't love each other anymore and don't want to see a parent replaced by someone else and yet here are these girls jumping up and down and cheering their father's happiness. It spoke volumes to me of their love for their daddy and let me know that my superhero had done something right in the way they were raised. He doesn't even know this but that moment....sitting in his car telling me about this phone call...that was when everything clicked into place for me. That was when I knew I would marry this man and we would be together forever.

Six months later my superhero and I have shacked up on Planet Vernal and the dreaded Ex calls him out of the blue and asks him if he would like for his youngest little tomato to come and live with him. Now it's one thing being a stepmom long distance but it's another thing entirely to have them living with us. Not to mention the fact that own stepparents, both my mom's husband and my dad's wife, resented and ignored me when I was growing up and I just didn't know what kind of Stepmommy I would be. Would I resent them? Would I be jealous? Would this be the thing, cuz there is always a thing, that starts the downward spiral of our relationship? I didn't know.

I remember when my mom finally left her second husband after 14 years of marriage. He called my brother and I to his home and in a desperate act to get my mother back he tearfully apologized for all of the terrible things he had done to us. He cried and said that we didn't deserve it and would we please forgive him for being such a son of a bitch for all those years. And then he said something I will never forget...he said, "I don't care what anyone tells you, you can NEVER love your stepkids as much as your own."

This statement hurt so deep that even 15 years later it still pisses me off to think about it. I remember thinking WHY? Why can't you love a child, any child as much as your own child. Why is that SO HARD? And I decided that I would never marry someone who already has children because I would never want to put any kid through what I had lived through. If you can't love your stepchildren like your own then don't have stepchildren. It's not fair to them.

Of course, when I made this promise to myself I was only 19 years old. I didn't know that I would be 33 when I met the love of my life. It's not practical to think that I would meet at this late date a decent man who has never been married and has no kids. Honestly, if he's never been married at 35 or so there is probably a really good reason.

So of course I agreed to our little tomato coming to live with us. I remember bringing home the check that would pay for her ticket and handing it to my superhero and telling him to call the airline and book the plane ride. I remember the look of astonishment on his face and I remember us holding each other and crying tears of joy.

That was over two years ago. Our little tomato is 10 years old now and she is so funny and so sweet. She is the entertainment in the house and never fails to make me laugh at any given opportunity. I can't even bear to think of the happiness I would have denied myself, my daughter and my superhero had I chickened out and not allowed her to come.

And as for my Stepmonsters statement that you can't love a child that is not your own as much? He was wrong. Dead wrong. She is a light in my soul. She is the daughter that God promised to me when I was little and said I wanted to be a mommy when I grow up and have six kids. She was training for the other two girls that came to us two months later. And her coming only brought my super hero and I to a new level of love and growth. Our lives are full, crazy busy, loud, active and beautiful. I've never felt so blessed. And I promise all of my daughters, because they ARE my daughters, that I will ALWAYS love them completely and unconditionally. I know this is possible now.

com-plete: having all parts; lacking nothing; whole; entire; full

I spent the first 12 years of my daughter's life single and focused only on getting the two of us through the next day. We lived paycheck to paycheck. We lived in a 2 bedroom slum and I worked full time at a job I hated. I didn't date much. I had no time and the complications were just too much to take on my already full plate. And I LOVE my daughter. She is the reason I stayed at a job I hated, the reason I got my tired ass out of bed to church on Sundays, sometimes the only reason I kept on day after day, the reason I laugh, cry, smile, live and love. She has managed to put up with me and at 15 years old has turned out to be a wonderful, sweet, GreenDay loving, Hot Topic shopping, cartoon drawing, unique, talented tomboy.

A few years ago I met and fell in love with my super hero. He would be only the second man I dated that I introduced to my daughter and would be the only man that I would have considered good enough to help me raise my child. She NEVER resented that she had to share me with him and has handled the fact that I moved her to a new town in the middle of nowhere and given her 4 new sisters like a champ. It wasn't easy but considering that she could have turned to drugs or run away from home or any other of the horrible things you hear about I would say she did EXCELLENT! And I honestly believe that she sucked it up and adapted so well because she wanted to see me happy. I'm telling you....SHE IS....well....she is perfect.

When I got pregnant with my girl I was 20 years old and not a very nice person. I lived a pretty selfish life. For reasons that I may get into later, I was one messed up cookie. I was manipulative and mean. I only cared about the next party, the next good time. My parents had written me off and I was on my own moving from place to place. My daughter's father was 10 years older than me and also liked a good party. He was a lost soul and we all know what happens when two lost souls meet. We just got more lost. By the time I found out I was pregnant, the two of us had moved back to my home state and both of us were out of work, broke and hating each other. When I told him I was pregnant, he told me to get an abortion or get out. I left. I was scared, homeless and living in my car. I ended up going to my family who I had treated so crappy and tried living with first my father, then some friends and finally ended up in an unfinished apartment above my mother's ex-husband's garage. It had no running water, no toilet and I was at the lowest point in my life. I wanted to die but couldn't because I had this little "creature" growing inside of me. I blamed it (her) for my situation (far be it for me to point the finger at myself) and was mad at the world. I put on a good face but I couldn't wait for her to get out so I could go back to my old life. I felt I had been put "on hold".

Fast forward through nine long dark months to a Spring day 15 years ago and they are putting this tiny, screaming creature into my arms. I hear my mom say"Talk to your daughter."

Me: Hi Baby.

She instantly stops crying, like someone flipped a switch and just stares at me.

Me: I'm your mommy.

Just silently staring at me, blinking and looking directly into my eyes. She can't talk but I can still hear her...no... SEE her...saying to me with her eyes....Hi mommy. I know you. I love you.

Suddenly, I was whole....complete. In that one moment, that instant of quiet bonding I became a different person. Suddenly I was living because she was there. She filled the space in me that I didn't even know I was missing.

I never did go back to my old ways. I didn't see most of my party crowd again and most of the friends that I did have moved on to bigger parties and more disfunction. Daddy skipped town for good when my daughter was four months old never to be seen again. And I became mommy. And I LOVED it. I never did a single thing that was for myself only. Everything.....EVERYTHING I did from that moment on was for her.

I hope that she knows. I hope that she sees that I don't breathe without her. That I don't make any decisions but that I first think of her. That even when I'm angry with her that I still love her more than my own life. When she hurts, I hurt. When she's happy, I'm happy... because we are the same. We are part of each other....complete.

Here I Am...This is me...well almost

I can't believe I am doing this. Writing a blog. WOW! I love blogs. I read them everyday. I have several saved in my favorites and I check them religiously. Some of you I know and some of you are complete strangers who have touched me in some way. The more you reveal in your blogs, the more I love you. As for myself, I never reveal anything about myself to anyone except my Superman. He probably knows more about me than any human on the planet ever will. I am a mystery to my parents, my siblings and my friends. They don't know me at all. I don't really know why that is and before my super hero found me I was very very lonely. But then I started to read these amazing blogs about these amazing people and I loved and hated that they could just put ANYTHING out there. So....Here I Am...
My brain is FULL of things I would like to write and stories I would like to share. I will be posting them after today. But THIS POST is my first step. I'm putting my self out there. And it's scarier than I thought it would be. I don't know if anyone will ever read this or if I will ever even tell anyone that I am here in this spot in the world but today I am starting and my heart is pounding and I'm finding it hard to breathe and I will probably read and reread this before I post. BUT I WILL POST!....OK!...Breathe....breathe.......