The BIG ONE

I will be turning 40 years old at exactly 4:29pm today. And I'm okay with it. Truly. I have never been the type of person to panic about my age. I get little twinges now and again when I do a mirror pass by and notice the extra sag around my jawline the way my neck is no longer firm and moist but kinda soft and dry. And I truly truly wanted to lose that 20 lbs before my birthday so I could look as fabulous on the outside as I am on the inside but that didn't happen and I'm thinking the fact that I have lived on this earth for 40 years is the reason I don't really care.

It's my family and friends who seem to think that the BIG 4-0 is a HUGE DEAL! "We gotta have a party! You only turn 40 once!" "We gotta go to lunch today, it's your 40th!" "Of COURSE we're having cake! I can't wait to see you blow out ALL those candles!" So today has been a bit of a surprise for me. After 20 some odd years of birthdays not being a big deal, this has been kinda nice.

I came to work this morning to the biggest poinsettia plant I've ever seen on my desk (it's gorgeous and I didn't even know I liked poinsettias) and a basket full of alcohol. Lunch with my bestie, dinner tonight with Peter and the kids and yes, yes...a cake FULL of candles, I'm sure. The drunken debauchery that will be my Saturday night neighborhood birthday/poker party. Oh yeah, there is also the most excellent camera I bought for myself for my birthday. It really is SUPER AWESOME!

But call it old age wisdom or an appreciation for the finer things in life, this has been the best birthday in a long time for many reasons but the best reason, the one that makes my toes curl and the warm fuzzies spread from by heart to my head to my stomach and back again has been one tiny little word on facebook. Grandma. Happy Birthday Grandma! Who knew that word could make me giggle like a ten year old, clap my hands and squeal with delight like a toddler and make me smile as big as a 16 year old being handed the keys to her first car.

I love you my beautiful Kadence and Koloti. You are the jam to my toast, the honey to my bee, the sun to my shine and the heart to my beat. Thank you for letting me be your grandma and for making me look forward to spending the rest of my birthdays with you.

My babies crying that they couldn't spend my birthday with me.

Lesson Learned

It has taken me four months to post this. My stepmom passed away suddenly last July. I spoke to her on the Friday before. I spoke to her most days actually, sometimes several times a day. Sometimes when the phone would ring, I would roll my eyes and think "Oh my GOSH! WHAT NOW!" And sometimes I would hit ignore. Why did I do that? I had a lot of reasons. I was working. I was busy. My TV show was on. It was "family time". They all seemed like good reasons at the time. They don't now. They just seem kinda....selfish.

The truth is, when I did take the call we had the best conversations ever. Ever. We never talked for less than 30 minutes and sometimes for more than an hour. We always laughed, we sometimes cried and she never failed to tell me how proud she was of me, how much she loved me and what our friendship meant to her.

Sometimes it was difficult. She was really hard on herself. She wanted to be the best wife, best mother and best grandmother in the world but like all of us, she fell short. Sometimes she fell spectacularly short. But in my eyes, her light never dimmed. Even when things got really bad, when the depression and the demons took control and the alcohol cloud descended, I still thought she was the most beautiful, funny, vibrant person in my life. She shined. I remember thinking at times when she was being particularly hard on herself, "CORI! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW WONDERFUL YOU ARE? YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW?" And sometimes I told her. My biggest regret is that she didn't believe me enough to get well.

I would give anything in this world to have her back. The last few weeks, I've just wanted my phone to ring and have it be her on the line. As I said, our last conversation was on the Friday before. Peter and I were getting the trailer ready to go camping. I had a list a mile long. I had just pulled into the driveway and daylight was burning. My phone rang and I thought, "Oh Jeez Not now!" But instead of hitting the ignore button, I reclined my seat, rolled down the window, put my feet up on my steering wheel and settled in for a chat. You can't tell me there wasn't some angel in my ear telling me to take this time.

We talked for two hours. We said things to each other that you only dream of saying. We didn't know it would be the last time we would ever speak. But somehow we knew it in spirit. I know that Cori is my mom, she loves me, I love her. I was one of her best friends and she was mine. She was proud of me and that means a lot. And I was always proud to call her my mom. She wasn't perfect but if she were here right now I would bask in her imperfections, forgive her for them because God knows she always forgave me for mine. And I know that because this happened I will never again take for granted the people in my life who mean the most to me.

I miss her so much. I want this pain to end and then in a way I don't because the truth is...I love her more than I ever showed her in this life. I miss her so much but she is never far away from me in my heart. I can't wait to see her again. To hold her close and hear her laugh and tell her again how much she means to me. I can't wait to see her free from pain and depression. I can't wait to hear ALL about the people she's met and ALL the gossip. I can't wait to see all the changes she's made in this new world of hers. She is a force of nature. There is no way that heaven is the same now that she is there.

Cori, I love you so much. Sometimes you made me so angry I could just scream but you need to know that I ALWAYS forgave you. I could never hold a grudge in the face of so much love. Your light has always shined so bright for me, even at your worst, I still thought you were one of the most wonderful people I've ever known.

I will take care of Dad and your girls the best I can. I will hug "willybunny" every night in your memory. I will strive to keep the best of you and spread it around to everyone in my life and I will love you forever. XOXO Till we meet again, Your Daughter, Lee♥

Yup...adorable.

SUPERMAN JR.

Just Because

I took these of my sister and her gorgeous kids when they came out to visit me on Planet Vernal a couple weeks ago. My sisters children are so damn beautiful it's ridiculous so I had to share. ENJOY!

Dear Spider:

Don't kill him! I said. Spider's are good! I said. They kill the BAD insects! Spiders are good luck. That's what I said. And then....you bit me. Why did you do it? I saved your LIFE, man! Stuck my neck out for you. Everybody told me I was crazy. They said you would betray me. I BELIEVED IN YOU DUDE!

You have given me no choice. Your guts must now be smeared upon the hardwood floor. No! No! It doesn't matter what you have to say in your defense! You brought this on yourself...

Sincerely, Lee

hun-ger; -verb: to have a compelling need or a strong desire

When I was 11 years old and got the "curse", I complained about pain and feeling tired and feeling nauseated all the time. I thought I was probably dying of some dread disease. I got a lot of "it's all in your head" or "I think you're a hypochondriac". 3 or 4 days of every month I skipped school and lay in bed. Curled into a ball. I felt sick. No big deal was made about it. I didn't get a lot of sympathy and after awhile it just became a part of my life. I CHOSE to ignore it. Or complain about it and do nothing. A few years later I wound up in the Emergency Room with a blood count of 15 and was told that if I had ignored it until Monday, I would have died from blood loss.

Endometriosos was the diagnosis. Probably had it from the first few years of my menstrual cycle...it has mysterious little symptoms like pain, nausea, fatigue...hmm.....so it's like REAL? REALLY REAL? You mean, I'm vindicated? There was really something WRONG with me?

So when I started feeling tired like "collapse on the couch and die tired" or when I started feeling pain in my right side. When I just felt "sick" I ignored it. For a year, I ignored it and then I started thinking about the doctor saying "if you'd ignored it much longer, you would be dead."

When I finally decided to GO to the doctor, I almost felt guilty. I didn't want to hear "it's all in your head, you hypochondriac drama queen. I didn't tell anybody until my doctors started saying things like "these numbers are "alarming" or "we need to send you to another specialist". And even then, I said things like "just a little blood work...it's no big deal..."

And I started to feel that way...it's no big deal. I even had a liver biopsy, which up to this point in my life has been the most traumatic, horrific thing that's ever happened to me. The doctor that performed the procedure should burn in hell. The diagnosis was a chronic and progressive liver disease. Still my attitude has been "eh...whatev." A few meds here and there, some blood work every once in awhile. No big deal.

But NOW...it's 7 years later....I am almost 40 years old, which sounded OLD until I got here. My daughter IZ is 18 and done with high school and I kinda wanna be around to see where she goes from here. I met and now live with the most wonderful man in the universe and I am helping him raise his fabulous daughters who I have come to love as much as IZ, which I didn't know was possible. My life is crazy busy and full of ups and downs and drama and just.....STUFF!

We have PLANS, man, PLANS! We want to travel. Play with our grandchildren. Buy a house. Go on cruises. Take road trips. LIVE our lives to the fullest! Cuz to be perfectly honest, we have WASTED so much TIME! Instead of cherishing every precious moment of our lives, even the hard ones, I feel like all we have done is BITCH AND MOAN! And WORK OUR ASSES OFF!

We are just now figuring out how GREAT our kids are! Most of the time. And how much we want them around! I am a step-grandma for pete's sake! I have a grandson. He so much as yawns and I am GIDDY with happiness! It's effing ridiculous! It makes no sense and yet, there it is. I'll be so damn happy when June has her baby in October I won't be able to stand myself.

But I'm not feeling too hot these days. I feel...sick. And my blood work isn't looking that great. And I'm scared. I don't want to die of a DISEASE. It's ugly. It's an ugly way to die. And it hurts people, it hurts the people I care about. And I don't know what to do and I don't know how to deal...

Then this morning I read THIS:

"I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that grows in us all. -Richard Wright, American Hunger

Well, damn...

I hurl my words into darkness everyday. I hear my echos loud and clear. Whether I want to or not. And right now, my own words are screaming back at me that I should stop whining and not give in to the darkness.

Everything will turn out the way that it should, right? And whether I'm 50 or 80 I want my loved ones to say, "She marched, she fought, she hungered for life....and she had a beautiful life."

Pictorial Guide to Past Events on Planet Vernal While on Blog Vacation

October 2010

Stella flew to Australia to spend time with Sydney and her Prince Charming. She also spent some quality time with her sisters, cousins, Aunties, Uncles and Grandad. I'm so jealous.

We didn't know it at the time but Sydney was baking Superman's first grandbaby in this picture but more on that little gem later.

Stella got to see all the sites and ate ALOT of Australian food and also got to be Maid of Honor to her sister, June. Which brings us to...

November 2010

The WEDDING OF JUNE AND HARRY (not real names of course)!

June and Harry were married in the Sydney Temple in November 2010. Don't they make a gorgeous couple? We were unable to attend as it took every last dime we had to send Stella and Roma Tomato over and it broke our hearts to miss it but we got a lot of pics and a play by play of the entire event as there were about a million people there. We are so thrilled that we now have TWO daughters married to good husbands. We know Harry will treat our June like a queen.

P.S. They got to work right away and made us a sweet little granddaughter who will be joining us in October. Yes, you heard right. That will be grandbaby #2 in less than 6 months.

March 2011

Stella's Senior Prom

She could have worn a potato sack and looked amazing but in this dress she just takes my breath away. I love living vicariously through my children. I took a TON of pictures cuz I couldn't take a bad one. HAHA! She had a ball and I hope she felt as much of a princess as she looked. Undoubtedly the most beautiful girl there.

April 2011

Lesser event but just as fun was Senior Ball. She went with her besties and made a lasting memory with them before they all graduate and move on with life. Aww, makes me wanna cry a little.

May 2011

Stella and IZ graduated from Uintah High School! YEAH! One graduate is wonderful but TWO is almost too much! I am so proud of them. I really have no words.

IZ and Stella both have cars. They both have JOBS. And they both plan on saving their summer money and going to college. They both have wonderful friends that I adore and have managed to make it through school without drinking, drugs, unplanned pregnancies, serious boyfriends and/or relationship drama and apart from that unfortunate water balloon incident with Stella and her friends, neither of them have ever been arrested! Superman and I must be doing something right.

AND THE TOPPER ON THE CAKE!!!

Grandbaby #1

Superman Junior! Heir to the Kingdom! 8lbs 13 Oz, 21 inches long and on his way to becoming the next Michael Jordan. I personally think he might just be the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. And he only gets better looking as the days go by. What can I say? My cup is overflowing. I'll just leave you with this cuz there isn't anything I can say that's gonna top it.