Lesson Learned

It has taken me four months to post this. My stepmom passed away suddenly last July. I spoke to her on the Friday before. I spoke to her most days actually, sometimes several times a day. Sometimes when the phone would ring, I would roll my eyes and think "Oh my GOSH! WHAT NOW!" And sometimes I would hit ignore. Why did I do that? I had a lot of reasons. I was working. I was busy. My TV show was on. It was "family time". They all seemed like good reasons at the time. They don't now. They just seem kinda....selfish.

The truth is, when I did take the call we had the best conversations ever. Ever. We never talked for less than 30 minutes and sometimes for more than an hour. We always laughed, we sometimes cried and she never failed to tell me how proud she was of me, how much she loved me and what our friendship meant to her.

Sometimes it was difficult. She was really hard on herself. She wanted to be the best wife, best mother and best grandmother in the world but like all of us, she fell short. Sometimes she fell spectacularly short. But in my eyes, her light never dimmed. Even when things got really bad, when the depression and the demons took control and the alcohol cloud descended, I still thought she was the most beautiful, funny, vibrant person in my life. She shined. I remember thinking at times when she was being particularly hard on herself, "CORI! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW WONDERFUL YOU ARE? YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW?" And sometimes I told her. My biggest regret is that she didn't believe me enough to get well.

I would give anything in this world to have her back. The last few weeks, I've just wanted my phone to ring and have it be her on the line. As I said, our last conversation was on the Friday before. Peter and I were getting the trailer ready to go camping. I had a list a mile long. I had just pulled into the driveway and daylight was burning. My phone rang and I thought, "Oh Jeez Not now!" But instead of hitting the ignore button, I reclined my seat, rolled down the window, put my feet up on my steering wheel and settled in for a chat. You can't tell me there wasn't some angel in my ear telling me to take this time.

We talked for two hours. We said things to each other that you only dream of saying. We didn't know it would be the last time we would ever speak. But somehow we knew it in spirit. I know that Cori is my mom, she loves me, I love her. I was one of her best friends and she was mine. She was proud of me and that means a lot. And I was always proud to call her my mom. She wasn't perfect but if she were here right now I would bask in her imperfections, forgive her for them because God knows she always forgave me for mine. And I know that because this happened I will never again take for granted the people in my life who mean the most to me.

I miss her so much. I want this pain to end and then in a way I don't because the truth is...I love her more than I ever showed her in this life. I miss her so much but she is never far away from me in my heart. I can't wait to see her again. To hold her close and hear her laugh and tell her again how much she means to me. I can't wait to see her free from pain and depression. I can't wait to hear ALL about the people she's met and ALL the gossip. I can't wait to see all the changes she's made in this new world of hers. She is a force of nature. There is no way that heaven is the same now that she is there.

Cori, I love you so much. Sometimes you made me so angry I could just scream but you need to know that I ALWAYS forgave you. I could never hold a grudge in the face of so much love. Your light has always shined so bright for me, even at your worst, I still thought you were one of the most wonderful people I've ever known.

I will take care of Dad and your girls the best I can. I will hug "willybunny" every night in your memory. I will strive to keep the best of you and spread it around to everyone in my life and I will love you forever. XOXO Till we meet again, Your Daughter, Lee♥