hun-ger; -verb: to have a compelling need or a strong desire

When I was 11 years old and got the "curse", I complained about pain and feeling tired and feeling nauseated all the time. I thought I was probably dying of some dread disease. I got a lot of "it's all in your head" or "I think you're a hypochondriac". 3 or 4 days of every month I skipped school and lay in bed. Curled into a ball. I felt sick. No big deal was made about it. I didn't get a lot of sympathy and after awhile it just became a part of my life. I CHOSE to ignore it. Or complain about it and do nothing. A few years later I wound up in the Emergency Room with a blood count of 15 and was told that if I had ignored it until Monday, I would have died from blood loss.

Endometriosos was the diagnosis. Probably had it from the first few years of my menstrual cycle...it has mysterious little symptoms like pain, nausea, fatigue...hmm.....so it's like REAL? REALLY REAL? You mean, I'm vindicated? There was really something WRONG with me?

So when I started feeling tired like "collapse on the couch and die tired" or when I started feeling pain in my right side. When I just felt "sick" I ignored it. For a year, I ignored it and then I started thinking about the doctor saying "if you'd ignored it much longer, you would be dead."

When I finally decided to GO to the doctor, I almost felt guilty. I didn't want to hear "it's all in your head, you hypochondriac drama queen. I didn't tell anybody until my doctors started saying things like "these numbers are "alarming" or "we need to send you to another specialist". And even then, I said things like "just a little blood work...it's no big deal..."

And I started to feel that way...it's no big deal. I even had a liver biopsy, which up to this point in my life has been the most traumatic, horrific thing that's ever happened to me. The doctor that performed the procedure should burn in hell. The diagnosis was a chronic and progressive liver disease. Still my attitude has been "eh...whatev." A few meds here and there, some blood work every once in awhile. No big deal.

But NOW...it's 7 years later....I am almost 40 years old, which sounded OLD until I got here. My daughter IZ is 18 and done with high school and I kinda wanna be around to see where she goes from here. I met and now live with the most wonderful man in the universe and I am helping him raise his fabulous daughters who I have come to love as much as IZ, which I didn't know was possible. My life is crazy busy and full of ups and downs and drama and just.....STUFF!

We have PLANS, man, PLANS! We want to travel. Play with our grandchildren. Buy a house. Go on cruises. Take road trips. LIVE our lives to the fullest! Cuz to be perfectly honest, we have WASTED so much TIME! Instead of cherishing every precious moment of our lives, even the hard ones, I feel like all we have done is BITCH AND MOAN! And WORK OUR ASSES OFF!

We are just now figuring out how GREAT our kids are! Most of the time. And how much we want them around! I am a step-grandma for pete's sake! I have a grandson. He so much as yawns and I am GIDDY with happiness! It's effing ridiculous! It makes no sense and yet, there it is. I'll be so damn happy when June has her baby in October I won't be able to stand myself.

But I'm not feeling too hot these days. I feel...sick. And my blood work isn't looking that great. And I'm scared. I don't want to die of a DISEASE. It's ugly. It's an ugly way to die. And it hurts people, it hurts the people I care about. And I don't know what to do and I don't know how to deal...

Then this morning I read THIS:

"I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that grows in us all. -Richard Wright, American Hunger

Well, damn...

I hurl my words into darkness everyday. I hear my echos loud and clear. Whether I want to or not. And right now, my own words are screaming back at me that I should stop whining and not give in to the darkness.

Everything will turn out the way that it should, right? And whether I'm 50 or 80 I want my loved ones to say, "She marched, she fought, she hungered for life....and she had a beautiful life."

Pictorial Guide to Past Events on Planet Vernal While on Blog Vacation

October 2010

Stella flew to Australia to spend time with Sydney and her Prince Charming. She also spent some quality time with her sisters, cousins, Aunties, Uncles and Grandad. I'm so jealous.

We didn't know it at the time but Sydney was baking Superman's first grandbaby in this picture but more on that little gem later.

Stella got to see all the sites and ate ALOT of Australian food and also got to be Maid of Honor to her sister, June. Which brings us to...

November 2010

The WEDDING OF JUNE AND HARRY (not real names of course)!

June and Harry were married in the Sydney Temple in November 2010. Don't they make a gorgeous couple? We were unable to attend as it took every last dime we had to send Stella and Roma Tomato over and it broke our hearts to miss it but we got a lot of pics and a play by play of the entire event as there were about a million people there. We are so thrilled that we now have TWO daughters married to good husbands. We know Harry will treat our June like a queen.

P.S. They got to work right away and made us a sweet little granddaughter who will be joining us in October. Yes, you heard right. That will be grandbaby #2 in less than 6 months.

March 2011

Stella's Senior Prom

She could have worn a potato sack and looked amazing but in this dress she just takes my breath away. I love living vicariously through my children. I took a TON of pictures cuz I couldn't take a bad one. HAHA! She had a ball and I hope she felt as much of a princess as she looked. Undoubtedly the most beautiful girl there.

April 2011

Lesser event but just as fun was Senior Ball. She went with her besties and made a lasting memory with them before they all graduate and move on with life. Aww, makes me wanna cry a little.

May 2011

Stella and IZ graduated from Uintah High School! YEAH! One graduate is wonderful but TWO is almost too much! I am so proud of them. I really have no words.

IZ and Stella both have cars. They both have JOBS. And they both plan on saving their summer money and going to college. They both have wonderful friends that I adore and have managed to make it through school without drinking, drugs, unplanned pregnancies, serious boyfriends and/or relationship drama and apart from that unfortunate water balloon incident with Stella and her friends, neither of them have ever been arrested! Superman and I must be doing something right.

AND THE TOPPER ON THE CAKE!!!

Grandbaby #1

Superman Junior! Heir to the Kingdom! 8lbs 13 Oz, 21 inches long and on his way to becoming the next Michael Jordan. I personally think he might just be the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. And he only gets better looking as the days go by. What can I say? My cup is overflowing. I'll just leave you with this cuz there isn't anything I can say that's gonna top it.

Control is Overrated

Yes, that LUMP under all those covers is none other than our Roma Tomato! She's home! For good this time! She's just sleeping off a little bit of jet lag.

Superman and I left Vernal on Saturday Morning. Roma Tomato left Auckland NZ that evening for Los Angeles. By Sunday afternoon we had her in our arms. Safe and sound. 1600 mile round trip for Superman and I. Many more miles for RT.

It's been 8 long months but it's much better than the 5 years it was going to be and we are so thankful to RT's mum for sending her back to us. It seems we have all FINALLY come to an understanding that Planet Vernal is where she belongs for now. We have FINALLY been able to express to each other that I am not trying to take mum's place in RT's life, that mum will ALWAYS be mum and I am blessed and honored to be a part of raising her beautiful girl.

My hope is that this will be the beginning of a partnership, maybe even a friendship (and yes, I think that would be wonderful) between all of us to ensure that RT has the best of everything we can teach her.

But the best part of this whole experience has been what I have learned. I've always been told that God is in control. That everything happens for a reason. Being a control freak myself, sometimes, MOST times, I am not the most gracious when it comes to giving it up to God. I kick and scream and rage at the universe. I cry, I sulk and I truly feel as my world is coming to an end. So you can imagine my surprise that things have turned out the way they have.

Who would have thought that by ending the fighting, by giving it up to God, sending RT to New Zealand that it would be RT herself who would become the peacemaker? It was her becoming the go-between that helped us to meet in the middle and get to know each other on a whole other level. She handled herself with grace and wisdom beyond her years. I know God had a hand in that. He gave her strength and wisdom and he gave all of us "adults" the bop on the head we needed to see things from her point of view.

Roma Tomato is home, Superman, RT's mum and I are understanding each other and working as a team and I have gained empathy and compassion by allowing a greater power to take the reins. We can finally move forward instead of turning in circles and going nowhere.

I am truly truly humbled and thankful and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Psstt.....I have a secret...

I know I've been away for awhile. Since I sent our Roma Tomato off to New Zealand I have found that I've had to give myself a "different" creative outlet. I have been decidedly down and out. And whining and crying and feeling sorry for myself on the internet was not the most healthy outlet for me.
However, something is about to happen this weekend that's gonna change all of that for me. I'll share it with you all next week but I don't wanna jinx it. Superstition, karma, vibrations to the universe, paranoia....call it what you will but until I have a certain "someone" in my arms....I'm not telling! So until next week...mum's the word.