Giving Thanks

As moms we all know what it's like to send our babies away somewhere without us for the first time. Whether it's a school field trip or a plane trip to stay with relatives we all think and feel the same thing. Will she be alright? What if she gets homesick? Is she eating right? Is she brushing her teeth? And always the dreaded, sickening thought....what if she gets hurt and I can't get to her?

Our Roma tomato is in Sydney right now staying with her big sister. This is an extended stopover on her way to New Zealand to live with her mom for awhile. She has been visiting all of her Uncles, Aunties and cousins, eating good Australian food, petting koalas, kangaroos and wallabies, getting to know her two new brother-in-laws and for the most part, having the time of her life.

Putting her on that plane, not knowing when I would see her again, all of the what-ifs going through my mind, was the most difficult thing I've had to do in my life. That she has been in such good hands, being so well taken care of has taken much of the sting out of this for me. I've been able to get on with things because I know that she is getting all of the love and attention and care that Superman and I would be giving her here.

A few days ago, while visiting her Uncle, Roma Tomato jumped up from the couch and ran to the kitchen to give her Grandad a hug. She either passed out and then had a seizure or she had a seizure that caused her to black out. Either way, on her way down, she grabbed hold of her grandad and pulled him down on top of her. Grandad got up, Roma T. did not.

The phone call from Sydney as they were taking her to the hospital was my worst nightmare come true. Superman and I were in a state of shock for about an hour. Of course, we were thinking, we'll have to somehow, SOMEHOW scrape together the money, get Superman on a plane IMMEDIATELY and bring our baby HOME! We just kind of paced about the house waiting......waiting...for word.

The news was not good. Roma T. was OUT OF IT. Not speaking, unable to remember anything that happened just prior to and for several hours after the seizure. The lights were on but she was most definitely not at home. I was so sick with dread and worry. Superman was making light of things, kind of acting wacky and cracking jokes. Trying to stay moving and busy and then...I went in for the hug....and the world turned upside down.

Everybody has seen the superhero in movies reach the point where the villain has the upper hand. The world is about to be destroyed and the bad guy has exploited our hero's ONE WEAKNESS in order to carry out his evil scheme. Our hero is almost always on his knees, holding up his hands defensively, knowing that the future of the world rests on his shoulders and the burden is just too much. Defeated, crying, beaten...he simply cannot go on. As dramatic as this is in the movies, I promise you it is NOTHING compared to experiencing it, watching it happen in real life, before you very eyes. I felt that a chasm had opened beneath our feet. I could see Roma Tomato and SM tumbling down down into the darkness and I only had ahold of them with one shaking, slippery, tenuous grasp. Superman's kryptonite is his children. He can take any beating, slay any monster so long as his children are safe. His little girl in pain, frightened and without her daddy by her side brought my super hero to his knees.

That is the moment when you can do nothing else but hold on tight and pray. And I prayed. Even as I held him and comforted him and told him everything would be alright I prayed. Oh God oh God oh God, please I love my family, Lord. Please, let Roma Tomato be alright. Please slow down SM's heart rate. Help him to BREATHE! Please, Dear Lord, what do I do? I don't know what to do!....

Thank God, Roma T. is going to be OK. She has had a time of it, let me tell you. But at the same time, we have all been very blessed. She is in Australia and being a New Zealand citizen, she qualifies for Australia's free health care. We have not and will not have to pay a dime. She has had every test run on her including MRI, CT scan, EKG, blood draws, etc. all in record time and all clean except for a fracture to her cheek. She's been to see a plastic surgeon, an eye specialist without waiting. No co-pays, referrals, finance agreements, deductibles. Just, here's what she needs, let's get it done. She will be having surgery tomorrow to repair the fracture and she will be treated in the finest children's hospital in Australia. She will be put under general anesthesia, the surgery will be quick and minimally invasive and if all goes well, she won't even have to spend the night.

I sit here at 2am on Thanksgiving morning so full of gratitude that I can't even sleep. I am humbled and amazed by all that has taken place. Of course, I must first thank God. You have watched over our lovely girl and gotten her the help she needs, when she needs it. If this is not your doing, I don't know what is. You have given us comfort and peace and the ability to think rationally and not reactively. You have placed her in the care of Sydney and her Prince Charming, which right now, is just where she needs to be.

Thank you Sydney and PC. It has been an unquestionable relief that Roma Tomato is being so well cared for by the two of you. Here you are, two young newlyweds, with no children, no experience in this kind of thing and you have stepped up in every way possible. If we didn't have you there, taking such good care of your little sister, we don't know how we could cope. Because of you, our worry has been so much less. We are so proud of you and feel so very blessed that you, Sydney, are such a wonderful big sister and that Prince C. is such a good, good man. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

And thanks to my precious Roma Tomato. The blessings you have brought into my life are without number. You have made me a better person, a better companion to your daddy and a better mom. You have been through so much the last few days and throughout all of it you have kept your sense of humor and your tenacity. Your bravery has astounded me. I am so so PROUD of you. You are much stronger than I have ever given you credit for and I needed to see that so it will be easier for me when you are away. Now I know that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you will be alright. I love you so much. I wish I could be there tomorrow when you go in for your surgery. I know you will be surrounded by people that love you and your daddy and I will be sending every ounce of love we have to you. Our every thought will be with you. I know you will be brave and I know that you will come out of surgery and this whole awful ordeal will FINALLY be over. All that will be left will be for you to heal.

I have so much more to be thankful for. This would be an awfully long post if I were to list them all but I do want to say that I am so thankful for my Superman. I am thankful for my beautiful daughter Izzie. I am thankful that the Lord chose me to help Superman raise Stella and Roma T. and be a friend and stepmother to Sydney and B1. My cup is overflowing. It is with thoughts of my family that I will shut down my computer and try to get some sleep before I have to get up and put in the turkey. I do not know what I have done in this life to deserve so much.

Skinny is as skinny does...whatever

If you haven't been over to Barefoot Foodie's Blog lately you need to go check it out. You have to read the letter she wrote to Marie Claire mag regarding an article published about (gasp!) "fatties". Her response to the tripe that magazine puts out is fabulous. They would be fools not to publish it, especially after the response Brittney's letter got. I'm telling you now, if you've ever struggled with your weight, looked in the mirror and not liked what you see or even if you have a "supermodel" (gag) body, her post is a must read.
HOWEVER, the post is NOT what prompted me to write today. It was actually the video she posted the next day. This is Brittney and her cute as pie hubby having a discussion with her lovely readers about the effect her size has on her hubby's life. I made my Superman watch it with me. Not because I wanted to say "SEE! That's there's a good man!" I knew my darling hubby would get a kick out of the whole thing. It happens to be the same discussion we have ALL THE TIME!
Our little talks go something like "Love of my life, your size has no bearing on my life except for the unhappiness that it brings you. It makes me feel bad when you cry in the fitting room or when you don't want to go out on a date because you don't like the way you look."
In the video I believe the words Brittney's hubby used were "I just wish you would adore yourself as much as me and the kids do." Awwwwww! (sigh and maybe a little tear).
Now, you wanna hear something really effed up? I am SO DEEP in my own self-loathing that although it does temporarily warm my toes to hear Superman say such sweet things, I really don't believe him. I WANT to believe him. I KNOW that he wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it but I FEEL like he's pretty much full of crap. Hmmmmm.....howz little confession sound? Crazy, I know but that's just the way it is. I mean, how could he adore me? I look like hell! And I'm snappy and bitchy and tired all the time. I don't resemble in any way the cute, skinny girl he once knew. (ok somewhat) skinny cuz let's face it, we all know this is something I've been battling a long time.
So, to end this little rant let me tell you what's been rolling around in my brain since I watched Barefoot Foodies MOST AWESOME video:
#1 Watch the video. You will relate. I promise.
#2 I love food. I really do. Food is the main component in some of the best memories of my life. It tastes good. It makes me happy. Gets the endorphins flowing if you know what I mean. It's not an addiction. I don't hide in the closet and binge on ding dongs. I can very easily skip a dessert or turn down a chocolate bar but I LOVE to entertain my friends, my family. I love sitting at the table, watching the people around me thoroughly enjoy what I've prepared and how crappy would that be to sit at the same table picking at my lettuce and tomato with fat-free dressing on the side while everyone else is stuffing themselves sick. I actually have a plaque in my entry that says "Come often, laugh lots, eat much." It's kinda our motto.
#3 I got bad genes. Now come on, no eye rolls, it's true. I got 'em. Most of the people in my family struggle with their weight. There's no one in my close immediate family that is just naturally skinny. We all gotta work at it, HARD. What can I do? Have them sliced out? Get gastric bypass which to me is EXTREME to say the least?
I've decided to change my goals a little bit. I think I'm going to attack my weight issues from a different angle. I got a new attitude, you might say. I will eat what I want, when I want. I will eat when I'm hungry. I will not feel bad about it. Feeling bad about eating what I want equals feeling bad about me.
Now don't get me wrong, I will exercise. I will use portion control. I will taste everything. I will eat slowly and I will stop eating when I'm full. I will consider low-fat options in my cooking but only if it doesn't make my food taste like garbage. I will skip dessert only cuz that's easy for me and if I do want dessert, I'll have a little. SO WHAT!
I think the most important message I received from that Goddess of the blog, Barefoot Foodie, is that I am not alone. There are literally THOUSANDS of women out there JUST LIKE ME. The women that are on our tv's and our magazine are exceptions. They do not represent the bigger, wider world of normal, everyday, hardworking women. I really believe that most of THOSE women (haha) are as consumed with food and weight as I am. Just not in the same way. And they probably aren't as happy as I am most of the time. Really, who am I to say. But I know when I was at my lowest weight, I spent more time exercising and worrying about what I put in my mouth and how many calories I'd tallied than was necessary or normal. And I enjoy my life a lot more now that I'm not doing that anymore.
What I need to do most of all is focus on the things about myself that I like. The things my children see, the things my sweethearts sees. I need to learn to "adore myself" as much as they do. I need to learn to love myself as I am, skinny or not and if I never get down to the size that Marie Claire thinks is appropriate or beautiful at least I can say I thoroughly enjoy my life, every part of it. I've got the love of a great man, great children, many many girlfriends who struggle just like me and while the skinny girls are at the gym, we'll all be sitting at my house laughing lots and eating much!