Lost

What do you do when your best isn't good enough? When nothing you say or do is enough to make a things better.? I have tried to be positive and smile even when I want to scream. I try to find the funny and laugh instead of cry. I try to take care of the small stuff so my partner in life doesn't have to worry. I take care of the kids, clean the house, feed the dogs, take out the garbage, go to work everyday and hold our lives together.

When 9 o'clock rolls around and my Superman calls from his hotel I give him my undivided attention. And when he's home for a few days, I put everything on hold to take care of him and make sure that he's nourished in body and soul before he has to leave us again.

And for a year now, that's how we've gotten through and it seemed to be a way to make it through a difficult situation but somehow lately, it's not good enough.

Everyday I see a man who is struggling to keep it together. I see someone who is torn between being able to provide, knowing that right now any job is a job to be thankful for and missing his family so much.

I really don't know what to do. I can't tell him enough that a local job is fine. That we will make do with less money. That being together as a family is enough. But he's afraid. He sees his friends losing their homes to forclosure and having their cars repossessed. He sees them moving away and struggling to start over in a new place only to have them come back again, with their tails between their legs, begging to go back to work to this job, THIS JOB!, that takes them away from their families and lives. And they don't respect him. They don't treat him like a valued employee. They tell him that he'll do what they ask and without complaint because they know he can't get a job around here that even comes close to what they are paying him. And I'm here to tell you, it doesn't matter how much a person makes, if you don't feel valued, if you're always away from the very people you're doing it for, it makes for a very empty life.

He's worn out, burned out. And I am tired. Tired of putting on my happy face, my happy voice and hearing over and over again "I hate my job". I just want to scream "THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!" There are other jobs out there. So what if they're less money. SO WHAT! Doesn't he know how much we need him here? Doesn't he know he's our hero? Doesn't he understand that money is not the only thing that feeds this family? I would eat ramen noodles every night if it meant he was sitting at our dinner table.

I know the stress he is under. He wants so much for us. But it doesn't mean anything without him here and present and smiling. I might be the one keeping things running but he is the center, the support, the pillar that holds us and keeps us standing tall.

I love you my Superman. This job is not worth it. It's tearing you down. Come home. We will find another way, a better way. You cannot fail us. It's an impossibility, my love. Come home.