So...How's YOUR Day?

Raves, Rants and Other Random Stuff

So... Another St. Paddy's Day! Whoopy doo! The sun is out. There is not a cloud in the sky. Yesterday the temperature got up to 58 or so and while it is now only 34, I think by lunchtime it will be close to 50 or higher. Spring Fever Is Killing Me! The sky, the sun both calling my name and it's So Close! Right outside my office window, just out of reach. Ugh! Why do I have to be at work on a day like this?

But the good news is, on Friday I will be taking off early, driving to Colorado to see my Superman. I will be staying in the most lovely hotel in the most lovely little town. I will be shopping, eating, taking pictures OUTSIDE! IN THE SUN! Aaaaah! I can almost smell the air right now. I can't wait! I will have HOURS for myself to do absolutely anything I want. Heaven! And then after my skin has absorbed the sun and my lungs are filled to the top with fresh, clean, mountain Spring air, my superman will get off work and take me out to romantic dinners and back to the hotel for some much needed, much missed cuddling and loving and holding and (sigh). I can't wait! Did I say that already?

My diet is going well. I've lost 13 lbs. And that's after a girl's weekend trip to Denver where I ate and drank whatever I wanted. But it's getting harder everyday. I'm getting resentful that I have to plan EVERYTHING that I put in my mouth. I'm a convenience eater. Whatever is quick and in house. Or at the drive thru. And the only good thing about Superman working out of town is that he is not cooking any number of fabulous, delectable and calorie filled Polynesian dishes. But still, 13 lbs. is pretty good for 3.5 weeks.

I know, there are miles to go before I rest. I have to stay focused and be a good girl. I don't want to be here, in the BEST years of my life and not like what I see in the mirror. Or have health issues that are the result of my own laziness. It's ridiculous that I would have that one thing, one of the few things I have the power to change, hanging over me. So I continue the battle, probably for the rest of my life due to my damn fat gene inheritance and I will try to be positive about it. Maybe while I'm in Colorado this weekend, I'll go shopping at one of those stores that only caters to size 6 and below. That will keep me motivated right?

Speaking of the best years of my life, my 20 year class reunion is coming up. WOW! My high school years were NOT the best years of my life. NOT EVEN CLOSE. In fact, they rank up there as possibly the Worst. There are a lot of reasons for this, the least of which being that girls that age are just plain mean. Really mean. I was also being raised in a home by a stepfather who hated my guts and had a father who's only interest was in his NEW family and his NEW kids and seemed to take no notice of me whatsoever. In order to cope with the above, I searched for fulfillment through drugs and alcohol which only opened up a WHOLE NEW WORLD of problems for me. I spent my high school years getting into a lot of trouble, being judged by a lot of people and fighting everyday to keep my depression and addictions from killing me.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad. I had a small batch of friends, good friends who meant the world to me. They accepted me then, warts and all, and they accept me now. I wouldn't have made it through without them. But lately, one of those dear friends has been driving me NUTS about going to the reunion. She is REALLY making me crazy about this. And I promise you, I am sincere when I say I DO NOT WANT TO GO! I have NO desire! NONE!

"Come on!" she says. "Don't you want to see all those people? Don't you want people to see how good your life is? Show off Superman and your kids? It will be so much fun!"

But my answer is NO! I don't want to see all those people! I don't care what they think of me, good or bad, And they don't give a hoot what I think about them! It won't be so much fun. It will only bring back a ton of memories that I have spent my life moving in a very positive direction to get away from. Does this make me a bitch? Does this mean I'm bitter? I don't think so. I'm not bitter. I don't have any animosity towards anybody I went to school with. I don't really think about them or that time in my life at all. That is, unless someone smacks me upside of the head with it by doing stupid things like inviting me to reunions. I just don't want to revisit that time of my life. I certainly don't want to celebrate it. The reunion day will pass me by and leave not even a ripple of regret. Except maybe for the fact that I would be disappointing my friend who seems to think I have unresolved issues that I might be needing therapy for.

The truth is, any people I would want to run into at a reunion or anywhere else I already have in my life. My girlfriends from high school are still my friends today and I would much rather meet them for lunch one afternoon than hang out in a ballroom somewhere, eating bad catered food with a bunch of strangers. Cuz seriously, after 20 years, those people are complete strangers. So Jenny, my dear friend, I love you very much, but even enlisting the help of my Superman and my mother is not going to convince me to go to my 20 year reunion. I will not be attending. Ok. Enough said.

Now, it is lunch time, the temperature has risen to a balmy 43 degrees. The sun is beckoning and I am going to the park to listen to some music, eat my steamed broccoli from a Tupperware dish, take some pictures of ducks or dogs or kids or whatever else catches my eye and soak me up some SPRING!

Happy St. Patrick's Day Everyone!

Rewind

Your mischevious grin.
Your laugh.
The sound of your voice and the way you say my name.
Your smell.
How you teased the cat when you thought no one was watching. And how we laughed when you got caught.
Your great undying love and devotion to our Peyton.
Your stories.
Your quiet dignity.
Your beautiful and heartfelt prayers.
Your strong, enduring love and pride for your family.
Your sense of humor.
Our trips to "chucka" when Gram was out of town. Just the two of us.
The way you checked on me and "cased" my apartment to make sure I was always safe.
Your faith in God.
Your acceptance of me, everything about me.

And so much more.

When times get hard. When I'm lonely. When I'm afraid. These are the things I rewind and replay. Some of the best things in this world are things YOU gave me. Even though you're gone I can still rely on you to help me through. I miss you so much. I love you heart and soul.
Happy Birthday, Gramps.

Lost

What do you do when your best isn't good enough? When nothing you say or do is enough to make a things better.? I have tried to be positive and smile even when I want to scream. I try to find the funny and laugh instead of cry. I try to take care of the small stuff so my partner in life doesn't have to worry. I take care of the kids, clean the house, feed the dogs, take out the garbage, go to work everyday and hold our lives together.

When 9 o'clock rolls around and my Superman calls from his hotel I give him my undivided attention. And when he's home for a few days, I put everything on hold to take care of him and make sure that he's nourished in body and soul before he has to leave us again.

And for a year now, that's how we've gotten through and it seemed to be a way to make it through a difficult situation but somehow lately, it's not good enough.

Everyday I see a man who is struggling to keep it together. I see someone who is torn between being able to provide, knowing that right now any job is a job to be thankful for and missing his family so much.

I really don't know what to do. I can't tell him enough that a local job is fine. That we will make do with less money. That being together as a family is enough. But he's afraid. He sees his friends losing their homes to forclosure and having their cars repossessed. He sees them moving away and struggling to start over in a new place only to have them come back again, with their tails between their legs, begging to go back to work to this job, THIS JOB!, that takes them away from their families and lives. And they don't respect him. They don't treat him like a valued employee. They tell him that he'll do what they ask and without complaint because they know he can't get a job around here that even comes close to what they are paying him. And I'm here to tell you, it doesn't matter how much a person makes, if you don't feel valued, if you're always away from the very people you're doing it for, it makes for a very empty life.

He's worn out, burned out. And I am tired. Tired of putting on my happy face, my happy voice and hearing over and over again "I hate my job". I just want to scream "THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!" There are other jobs out there. So what if they're less money. SO WHAT! Doesn't he know how much we need him here? Doesn't he know he's our hero? Doesn't he understand that money is not the only thing that feeds this family? I would eat ramen noodles every night if it meant he was sitting at our dinner table.

I know the stress he is under. He wants so much for us. But it doesn't mean anything without him here and present and smiling. I might be the one keeping things running but he is the center, the support, the pillar that holds us and keeps us standing tall.

I love you my Superman. This job is not worth it. It's tearing you down. Come home. We will find another way, a better way. You cannot fail us. It's an impossibility, my love. Come home.

Things I Miss..

Cheese. I miss cheese. And salt. And butter. Alfredo Sauce. Yum. Superman's Coconut Buns and Chop Suey. Prime Rib. Mashed Potatoes. BREAD!!!! Someone PLEASE let me have a piece of bread!

I have officially begun my New Year's Resolution Diet! Da da da DAHHHHHH! Or more like DUN Dun dun....

It's been one week and I've lost 7lbs. Yeah for me. But I am struggling man! STRUGGLING! Pizza! Cheesy Garlic Bread. WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! sniffle.

But SEVEN POUNDS PEOPLE! I can't give up now. I gotta do this. For me. For my kids. For my Superman who swears he loves every single fat roll and cellulite dimple.

I need strength. I need someone to sew my mouth shut and feed me through a tube in my nose. I am looking forward to a weekend trip to Denver with the girls and I will be packing my lowfat yogurt, mozarella cheese sticks. Celery, carrots and no fat ranch dressing packets (which if you haven't tried no fat ranch...um...well...I think it might be really good if you added a cup of Mayo to it....) MMMmmmm...mayo. Oh Lord help me.