Mantra

Yes! I'm still here and going strong. Lots of things have been happening in my small world. BIG things! It's getting harder for me to contain and deal with everything life seems to be throwing my way. My depression comes and goes. High highs and low lows. I'm not sure if one can develop bipolar disorder at 37 years old but that's what I feel like sometimes, like I might be a little crazy.

On a high note, we got moved in to our new home and I am liking it more and more. My boss gave the entire shop crew a day off paid to bring their trucks, trailers and muscle to my house to help Superman and I move. It was great! I was humbled that he would do that for me and so grateful.

I have been getting things put away, walls painted, the yard cleaned up and ready for spring planting (I can't even tell you how nice it is to have a yard again) and am feeling quite peaceful about our decision to move. I was looking forward to Mother's Day in my new house. All I wanted was a trip to the nursery to buy flowers and to not have to do any dishes all day. I got both of these things and it was heavenly.

Just coming down from the Mother's Day high when I received the call that sent me spiraling back down to the bottom again. My Aunt Heidi, beautiful, sweet, always says "I Love You" with her trademark kiss on the cheek/hug. Always wanting to know that "everything is going good? everything is fine? Oh Lee, I'm just so happy for you, IZ is growing and is just so beautiful..." My aunt whom everyone loves is dead. Suicide. SUICIDE!!! How can that be? I don't understand it. I have been dealing with a roller coaster of emotion but overall I am just so so angry. How could she do it? I don't know. I don't understand. I never will understand.

I missed the funeral. It was many hours drive away. We were literally living out of boxes and had no money for gas, food, etc. So I missed it. I was told that the line at the viewing was out the door and around the block. Now guilt has been added to my anger at this whole bloody mess.

My father and brother called after the funeral to tell me that it was OK that I wasn't there. That they understood and they knew I was feeling bad and not to. Then they put my stepmother on the phone and for 30 minutes I listened to screaming, crying and lots of "Where were you? Out of all my kids I needed you there the most!" and I was HORRIFIED and wracked with guilt and could only repeat over and over again that I was sorry, SO SORRY!

Now I know that if I had been there, my presence would have hardly made a ripple but since I wasn't there, suddenly I was "the child needed there the most". I am a terrible person. A terrible daughter. I don't even know, at this point, what to do to make things better. I just don't even know. It's been over a month and I still don't know.

My kids are out of town right now. Two have gone to Las Vegas to stay with their aunties for 3 weeks and one has gone to my old home town to stay with friends and visit family. They are having a great time and I am really enjoying the break but miss them already. This has also given me time to get back into some healthy eating habits. It's a lot easier to eat healthy when I'm cooking for just me instead of 5 or 6. And my treadmill is actually getting a workout cuz I can come home from work and not have to pick up kids, go grocery shopping and make dinner every single day.

Superman and I have spent the down time working on the yard. It's looking nice and I like to just sit out there and look at the flowers. I know that sounds weird but I enjoy them a lot more knowing that I'm the one that put them in the ground and is helping them grow. I've never really been able to do that before and it makes me happy.

And I am so thankful...thankful for my wonderful children, my perfect (most of the time) Superman, my lovely little home with a beautiful yard. My flowers, my pets, the gorgeous weather and the fact that I have a good job and Superman is working right now when so many others are not.

I have also been speaking to a lot of old friends that I haven't talked to in a long time. Thanks to a certain social networking site, which is so not me and started out as a lark, I have found my old friends from grade school. They have reminded me of so many good things that I had forgotten about. How I could forget some of those wonderful memories is beyond me. But I have also found that I have meant more to these fabulous women than I ever knew. I didn't know that my friendship meant so much to them. I knew what they meant to me but I didn't know that I had impacted their lives like I did. It's been gratifying and I'm feeling so much more significant than I did before. I want to thank them for that. It just goes to show that we can influence, inspire, lift up, guide, give support and show love even when we don't know what we're doing. I just blundered through my childhood yet I made a difference in their lives. Thank you , my beautiful friends for helping me to see that. I love you all so much.

I know this is not a stellar post. I have so much to write about. It's all stored up in my head but it's been so long since I've posted I just wanted to let everyone know what's been going on in my world. I'm trying really hard to focus on the things that really matter.

My Superman and I were having a discussion about keeping things in perspective and counting our blessings and then he told me something I did not know. Every day when he's on his way to work he repeats to himself what he calls his Mantra. "I love my wife. I love my life. I love my health. I love my wealth. I love my children." No, it's not poetry but isn't that beautiful? That's his reminder of why he works so hard and what it's really all about.

I love my Superman.

I love my children.

I love my health.

I love my wealth.

I love my life.