Update!!!

Hey everybody! Um...about my post yesterday...i was feeling a little bit...um...fragile. I didn't mean to alarm anyone (Mom, Stephanie). I had just found myself in a very bad place emotionally that I haven't been to in a long long time. I didn't handle it well. I'm a little embarrassed. My first thought was to delete the post but that's just not cool to throw a piece of myself out there to you all and then just snatch it back.

So it's Wednesday morning and I must say, I'm feeling a whole lot better. Ahem...anyone else wanna take a ride on this crazy train? Or maybe a roller coaster would be a better description for the last 24 hours of my life.

My superman showed up at home last night. He wasn't supposed to be home until the end of the week. I was in my closet hanging up some things and turned around to find a big dark man standing in my bathroom. I'm surprised the neighbors didn't call 911 cuz I screamed really loud. When it finally registered that it was Superman standing there, covered in dirt and smelling like diesel fuel, grinning like a mad man, I ran into his arms and then burst into tears.

It's the first time I've laughed out loud in days. It felt good and I saw this little ray of sunshine peek out from behind the clouds that have been circling in my atmosphere.

I never thought I was the type of person who's world could revolve around a man. I was single for a long long time and even though I WANTED a significant other, I didn't really NEED a significant other. So it's amazing to me how content I am when Superman is home. And I am disappointed in myself that I can fall apart so quickly when he is gone.

Anywho, I am still here. I know this is depression that I'm feeling and I know that this goes beyond the realm of what is normal sadness but today is better than yesterday. I am still extremely fragile. My cracks are showing and a part of me knows that it wouldn't take much to break me. But I have my Superman. I have my wonderful kids. I have my family and my friends (who by the way made it perfectly clear to me yesterday that I will never have to go through this life alone). And I've decided that I'm not quite ready to see a doctor yet but I'm gonna change my eating habits and start a good exercise regimen beginning today. I'm going to talk about my feelings more and not bottle them up inside. I'm going to make a list of the things in my life that I am thankful for and post it above my treadmill so I can look at it everyday and I'm going to get better.

I'll take my ray of sunshine today and maybe tomorrow it will be fair to partly cloudy. Hopefully soon, I'll be myself again. But I just wanted to take a moment to thank you, you know who you are, for being there for me when I need you. To point out to me the things that are important or just allow me to cry on your shoulder. I am truly thankful and I am truly blessed.

Black Tuesday

I don't know what happened...I've been doing fine. Keeping the house clean and the dogs fed. Picking up the kids from tennis and baseball. Getting my ass out of bed everyday and going to work. Climbing into bed at night, without my Superman's body tangled up with mine.

I am supposed to be the strong one. I'm supposed to be the one that keeps it all together until he comes home. But I am falling apart.

3 weeks is not that long, he's coming home on Friday? maybe? But I'm not sleeping. 2 am, 3 am, 4 am...until my alarm goes off at 6 and I toss and turn and worry. What am I so worried about? I don't know. He still calls me everyday. Sends me text messages. Tells me how much he loves me. But I can hear the tension in his voice, the stress of the last few weeks, building. He's testy and impatient. He's tired and he doesn't feel well. He hates that the only work they have for him right now is out of state and because we gotta pay the bills, and there are no other jobs out there right now, he doesn't have a choice.

And dang, I've got it made...I've got my own bed, my own shower, my kids around me. I get my clothes out of a closet, not a suitcase and I have a washer and a dryer right down the hall anytime I need it. What do I have to bitch about? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I feel like this is my fault. Maybe if we didn't live in this house or I didn't drive this car. Maybe I spend too much on groceries or I shouldn't have brought home another dog to feed. I feel like he's doing all of this for me, cuz he feels like he has to. But he doesn't. I would live in a camp trailer as long as I had him by my side. As long as he was happy and not stressed and didn't have to work so damn hard.

So here I am on this perfectly normal Tuesday, sitting at my desk, trying not to completely lose my mind. The worst part is, the cracks are starting to show. How can a normal, sane person go from well...normal and sane...to a basket case in 12 hours? I don't know what to do? I feel sick in my body and my soul. I hate the way I look and the weight I've gained. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry. I haven't felt such despair since...I can't even remember when and it feels like it's not going away anytime soon. How am I going to hide this from my superman? How the hell am I going to put on my smile and hug and kiss him when he gets home? How am I going to go home today and pretend in front of my kids that life is roses? This isn't as easy as saying "SNAP OUT OF IT!" Believe me, I've tried.

It's gotta be some kind of chemical imbalance right? I mean...mood=despair is not a normal emotion. Mood=sad? Yes. Mood=Tired? Yes. Normal. But mood=want to curl up in a ball and cry till it hurts...I don't think that's normal.

I'm asking for your help. Who am I asking? Whoever! Whoever knows? Understands? What do I do? See a doctor? Run a 5k? Go out and get sloppy drunk? How do I pull myself out of this? It hurts. I need to see the sun again. Cuz it's getting blacker and I'm afraid of the dark.

Golden

Once upon a time in a very small town where nothing exciting ever happens, there lived two golden-haired, laughing girls, RS and PG. RS lived with an alcoholic stepfather who had a violent temper and when he was drinking would take out his anger on his wife and children. PG lived with an absent mother and a stepfather who only acknowledged her existence when he wanted to make fun of her or tear her down. Despite their less than ideal upbringing, both girls were fun-loving, had many friends and a strong belief that they were destined for something better.

Then one day the two girls met and somehow they knew that they had found in each other kindred spirits who understood each others hopes, dreams, worries and fears. They lifted each other up and supported one another through all their trials and triumphs.

The girls had many grand adventures. Being from a small town they often had to make their own fun. Most people thought them quite wild and shook their heads in dismay at their antics. But the people who really knew and loved them knew that the girls only wanted to have a good time, that they never wanted to harm anybody and were only trying to make a little magic to lighten up their dreary worlds.

RS and PG were fearless. Standing at each others side they could face down any foe, talk themselves out of any sticky situation and bring most any handsome boy they set their sights on to his knees. Together, they were invincible...or so they thought.

Their world was turned upside down when RS found out she was going to have a baby. She seemed to understand the gravity of the situation but PG was thinking everything would work out. They would still see each other everyday, hang out all the time and once the baby arrived, things could go back to the way they were before. Of course things couldn't and didn't work out that way.

RS left school to face her realities and PG, left alone without her dearest friend began to founder. Unable to cope with her loneliness she turned to harder friends, harder drugs, left her boyfriend, who was a good boy and treated her well, moved out of state and got involved with an older man who promised to take care of her but wasn't very nice to her. When she too ended up pregnant, she left her abusive relationship and returned home without a clue what to do.

Running to RS for guidance, she was disillusioned and afraid to find her friend had no answers. She was struggling too, just trying to raise her baby girl and survive from day to day.

PG decided that she was being punished for her mistakes. That somehow, the way she had chosen to live her life was to blame for the reality she now had to face. She thought that in order to be a good mom she would have to give up her old life, clean up her act and thinking this was the only way to take control of the situation she started to act a bit "holier than thou". She began to alienate her friends and without even realizing what she'd done, she pushed RS out of her life.

But she never stopped thinking about her friend. She often wondered if RS was ok, if she was happy, if she'd found true love but after awhile, her memories became too painful so PG tucked her friend away in her heart with a hope and a quiet prayer that one day she would find RS again.

16 years later, PG finds herself on Planet Vernal with the love of her life by her side, a houseful of beautiful, energetic, vivacious and moody girls, working full time, mothering full time and in a place where she's finally found peace with herself and made her dreams a reality. Her co-worker and lovely friend Dee sends her an invitation to join Facebook and even though that is so not PG's style, she signs up and finds that many of her friends and family are already there. Before she knows it she's hooked up with all of her family in Australia, her children, nieces and nephews and it suddenly dawns on her that maybe, just maybe this is where she will find her long lost friend.

With beating heart and clammy hands, PG types in her friends name and hits enter. How was she to know that only a few days earlier, with the help of her children, RS had set up her own Facebook page. Still, after 16 years, this connection of the heart had led them back to each other again. PG clicked on every icon and tab from RS's page, hungry for any and all info on her beautiful friend. She was delighted to see a picture of RS's baby girl, 18 years old, grown and gorgeous standing next to yet another teenage daughter who is the spitting image of her mom. PG thrilled to see RS, looking not a day older, holding her youngest, darling boy who, though suffering from cerebral palsy, had his mom's contagious smile and her same blue eyes that shined with light and joy...

My friend RS and I were reunited that evening over the phone. A four hour conversation was not long enough to say all there was to say. We found ourselves still able to share our hopes, dreams, worries and fears. RS is still the same warm, fun, laughing and caring girl I remember from so long ago and I was not surprised to find my friend has become strong and courageous, spiritual and wise.

RS, I stand all amazed. You are truly brave and remarkable. Thank God that we have both made it to a place where we have learned to count our blessings, be thankful for our trials and have found happiness, true love and joy. I am so happy that we have found each other again. Thrilled to see that you still have things to teach me and that we still have plenty of room to grow together. I wish so much I had been there for you when your beautiful angel, Colton passed from this world. But I am here now.

I can't wait to see where our adventures will take us. I know in my soul that God has a plan for you and I. I love you so much my dear, sweet, golden-haired and laughing friend.