May You Find Some Comfort Here

My sister came out to see me on Planet Vernal this past weekend. Just her and her girls. We didn't do anything exciting except drive to Colorado and buy lotto tickets (eye rolls, please, for my thrilling life). We just hung out and played with the kids and talked and laughed and cried and then cried some more on Sunday when she had to leave.

Stephanie and I are almost nine years apart in age. I can still remember the anticipation I felt when my mom told us she was pregnant. I remember praying she was a girl cuz I wanted a little sister all my own. I would share my doll collection with her and read her stories. We would giggle all night in our shared bedroom and play with barbies. We would do each others hair while we whispered to each other all of our secrets.

The reality was much different of course, and I soon found myself quite bored and not a little bit frustrated with this tiny lump of a human being. She didn't do anything but keep me up at night, eat and poop. By the time she got old enough to start developing a personality I was pretty much over the sisterly love thing. What made it worse, because I was getting older and should be outgrowing my beloved dolls and toys, they became her toys and I watched her destroy, one by one, all of my childhood mementos. My resentment was considerable.

I think that is why, at about age 2, she started trying to get my attention another way. My sister is wicked funny. Smart ass, will say and do anything, weird and wonderful, FUNNY! She used to keep me and my friends in stitches with the stuff she would do and say. But inevitably my teenage friends became more important than my family and with lots of dysfunction and drama going on, I moved out and for many years didn't spend any time with my beautiful sis.

It wasn't until she became a teenager herself that I started to take notice of her again. At first, I thought she was a spaz and not a little bit spoiled but then that sense of humor started to shine through again and I began to want her company more and more. I started to feel the need to protect and take care of her. I found myself enraged when she was hurt and wanting to kick some serious ass when she did something stupid, which she did...a lot. We began to confide in one another and instead of sisterly bonds it became something more.

One time we went to see a psychic at a fair and the woman told my sister that I was her guardian angel. That I had been put on earth to take care of her and watch over her and we found ourselves nodding in agreement because it felt right. I have no choice in the matter. It is my job to help her through this world. Sometimes I think I do o.k. and sometimes I fail miserably. My sister is such a central part of my joys, worries and fears that I find it hard sometimes to sit back and allow her do what she wants without giving her the lecture or imposing my will. And it's not like she can't make it without me but I'm always so afraid of not being there to catch her when she falls that sometimes I don't want to let her run.

My sister is going through some difficult times right now. My heart is aching with the helplessness I feel. She is a wonderful mother to three beautiful children and she loves her husband with her whole being but like the rest of us, the stress of working full time, taking care of kids and not having enough to pay the bills is taking a toll on her. I haven't seen that wicked funny, laughing, smart ass in a long time. I want her to come and live with me so I can take on her burdens for her but I know that she won't. And I know that I can't. But it is so hard to not be able to make things better.

All I can do is tell her how much I love her. I can tell her that despite all of the problems, she is doing a fabulous job. She is the best mommy. She is a fantastic wife. She has so much love in her heart for her family that it just oozes out of her and infuses the world around her with light. She is my best friend. She has showed me what it means to love someone with a whole heart. I can tell her that even though I lecture her too much, that she has taught me so much more than I could ever teach her. And I can tell her that even though things seem hopeless and that nothing is ever going to get better...IT WILL! I promise you that IT WILL GET BETTER! And I will always be here. Her burdens are my burdens. She doesn't carry them alone. And I love her more than the world.