Leaving it up to God

Yesterday was my nephew's 7th birthday! How time does fly!

I am not supposed to have any children. I have suffered from endometriosis since I was 11 years old. My doctor has told me that my daughter IZ was a miracle baby. I had NO IDEA that she would be the ONLY biological child I would have. I thought, because I was so young, that I had oodles of time to just wait around for the right guy to come along and that we would get married and I would get pregnant RIGHT AWAY and we would have at least 3 more kids. I should have known better, nothing in my life is EVER works out the way I planned.

I know God knew what he was doing when he sent me IZ. Even though I was young and single, the fact of the matter is, if she hadn't come when she did, she wouldn't have come at all. Because of the pain and hard times I went through, I cherish her that much more.

I was really scared as the years went by that my ovaries were getting more scarred, my fallopian tubes were closing off and my chances of having another baby were slipping away. I would dream about babies. Mostly about a golden haired son. I would dream of him laughing, running, riding his bike, falling asleep in my arms. I would wake up almost frantic- I'm wasting time. I have to find someone. Time is running out.

And then Iaan came. I was with my sister through her pregnancy, and there when my beautiful nephew came into this world. He was smiling his first day on earth, I mean REALLY smiling. And such a sweet, cuddly, happy boy. I couldn't get enough of him. And I LOVE him so much.

I remember watching my sister hold him after the delivery and just feeling so peaceful and blissful. The last time I felt that way was when my daughter was born. And from that day on this NEED I had to HURRY UP! GET MARRIED! HAVE KIDS! before it's too late! was gone. Just gone. And I knew that, once again, God had it all figured out. That little boy, that golden haired and laughing boy from my dreams had found a way to come into my life, through my sister. I am still amazed at how perfect it is. At that moment, her joy and my joy were equal. In fact, I think maybe my joy was even more because my sister was SO HAPPY and so not only was I happy for myself, I was happy for her as well.

Now he is 7 years old. He's got two little sisters that he watches over like a big brother guardian angel. It's so cute because he's so proud of them. He actually beams like a proud parent when little Sami does something new. He's sensitive and caring. He could walk when he was 8 months old and he was ALWAYS busy. He loves motorcycles and hunting and video games. And he LOVES his mommy. He's so smart. I'm sure he gets his brains from me (wink wink). He's curious about everything. His laugh is infectious. He's polite, well-behaved and can naturally just DO anything he puts his mind to. His stepdaddy is his best friend. They hunt and fish together all the time. He's a natural at everything he tries to do. I can't wait to see what happens when he finds his true passion in life because Iaan never does anything half-way. When he finds something he likes, he just eats, drinks and sleeps it until he finds something new to peak his interest.

It's hard to be away from him and my nieces now that I live on Planet Vernal. When his baby sister was born a year ago, I drove in late to be with my sister. After I left the hospital, I went to my mom's house to find that Iaan had waited up for me. I walked in the door and he's staring at the television with droopy eyes, fighting so hard to stay awake. He heard the door and turned to look at me and his eyes just lit up and his face broke into this smile, a huge breathtaking smile! And he jumped into my arms and we just held each other. So happy to be together. When he smiled, it was like the sun coming out, it just lit up my whole world. He won't remember that moment but I will never forget it. So Happy Birthday Buddy! I wish I could be there to see you turn 7! But even when I'm not with you in person, I am always with you in my heart.