Blog of Shame

One beautiful Expedition
Three teenage drivers living at home.

Two Down...

One more to go.

Leaving it up to God

Yesterday was my nephew's 7th birthday! How time does fly!

I am not supposed to have any children. I have suffered from endometriosis since I was 11 years old. My doctor has told me that my daughter IZ was a miracle baby. I had NO IDEA that she would be the ONLY biological child I would have. I thought, because I was so young, that I had oodles of time to just wait around for the right guy to come along and that we would get married and I would get pregnant RIGHT AWAY and we would have at least 3 more kids. I should have known better, nothing in my life is EVER works out the way I planned.

I know God knew what he was doing when he sent me IZ. Even though I was young and single, the fact of the matter is, if she hadn't come when she did, she wouldn't have come at all. Because of the pain and hard times I went through, I cherish her that much more.

I was really scared as the years went by that my ovaries were getting more scarred, my fallopian tubes were closing off and my chances of having another baby were slipping away. I would dream about babies. Mostly about a golden haired son. I would dream of him laughing, running, riding his bike, falling asleep in my arms. I would wake up almost frantic- I'm wasting time. I have to find someone. Time is running out.

And then Iaan came. I was with my sister through her pregnancy, and there when my beautiful nephew came into this world. He was smiling his first day on earth, I mean REALLY smiling. And such a sweet, cuddly, happy boy. I couldn't get enough of him. And I LOVE him so much.

I remember watching my sister hold him after the delivery and just feeling so peaceful and blissful. The last time I felt that way was when my daughter was born. And from that day on this NEED I had to HURRY UP! GET MARRIED! HAVE KIDS! before it's too late! was gone. Just gone. And I knew that, once again, God had it all figured out. That little boy, that golden haired and laughing boy from my dreams had found a way to come into my life, through my sister. I am still amazed at how perfect it is. At that moment, her joy and my joy were equal. In fact, I think maybe my joy was even more because my sister was SO HAPPY and so not only was I happy for myself, I was happy for her as well.

Now he is 7 years old. He's got two little sisters that he watches over like a big brother guardian angel. It's so cute because he's so proud of them. He actually beams like a proud parent when little Sami does something new. He's sensitive and caring. He could walk when he was 8 months old and he was ALWAYS busy. He loves motorcycles and hunting and video games. And he LOVES his mommy. He's so smart. I'm sure he gets his brains from me (wink wink). He's curious about everything. His laugh is infectious. He's polite, well-behaved and can naturally just DO anything he puts his mind to. His stepdaddy is his best friend. They hunt and fish together all the time. He's a natural at everything he tries to do. I can't wait to see what happens when he finds his true passion in life because Iaan never does anything half-way. When he finds something he likes, he just eats, drinks and sleeps it until he finds something new to peak his interest.

It's hard to be away from him and my nieces now that I live on Planet Vernal. When his baby sister was born a year ago, I drove in late to be with my sister. After I left the hospital, I went to my mom's house to find that Iaan had waited up for me. I walked in the door and he's staring at the television with droopy eyes, fighting so hard to stay awake. He heard the door and turned to look at me and his eyes just lit up and his face broke into this smile, a huge breathtaking smile! And he jumped into my arms and we just held each other. So happy to be together. When he smiled, it was like the sun coming out, it just lit up my whole world. He won't remember that moment but I will never forget it. So Happy Birthday Buddy! I wish I could be there to see you turn 7! But even when I'm not with you in person, I am always with you in my heart.

My Heart

These are my parents. Aren't they adorable? This was taken 37 years ago. Unbelievable. Can you imagine? Being a father of twins at 18 years old? He and my mom look like babies themselves, don't they? I always got a giggle out of these old pictures cuz my daddy looks scared to death.



I don't remember much about when my dad lived with us. Only partial little memories here and there. Random, strange stuff that it really makes no sense for me to remember. I remember sitting on the floor at his feet while he sat at the kitchen table smoking a cigarette. I remember watching TV in the living room with him. I remember him making me angry and slamming the door to my bedroom until he got up and came in to give me a well deserved spanking. I remember coming out of my room one night to find him staring at the wall with tears on his face and him telling me to go back to bed.

After that, he was gone. Every once in awhile he would come to the house and I would grab his coat and say "Stay home, Daddy! Where are you going? Why won't you stay?" And he would tell me that he couldn't stay. He had to go live with Grandma for awhile.

We spent a lot of time with my grandmother. We went to her house and we colored with the stubs of crayons she kept in old Pringles cans and pulled old toys out of the toy box she kept in the hallway. I remember distinctly that on her nightstand by her bed was a large bowl that was black with glitter stars and moons embedded in it and in that bowl was a wooden box with her initials carved in it. The box, which I was lucky enough to inherit, (but not the bowl, which I would give my eye teeth just to hold in my hands again) contained dozens of small crocheted roses that my grandmother had made for some doily or table cloth that she had never gotten around to finishing. I would make a beeline for her room and bring out the bowl with the box and I would spend HOURS counting, arranging and stacking those roses. I still can't take out that box without feeling her, smelling her, seeing her smile and missing her so much that it makes my heart ache even 10 years after her death.


I remember riding in her old car. She had a red car and she wore a red quilted jacket and I thought she bought them to match on purpose. On her keys was a black key chain, kind of heart shaped with my grandfathers name carved into it. I can still see that key chain swinging from the ignition and I must have been so little cuz when I was older my grandmother was too sick to drive anywhere.

We would drive from visiting relatives out in the country and as we came over the hill into the city, I could see the city lights on the horizon all bunched together and I actually thought that the lights were stars that had bunched up where they met up with the land. My grandma would always say "Look at the pretty lights." and I would always say "No Grandma, those are stars." She would just laugh at that and I thought she was laughing because I was clever enough to know that they were stars and not just lights.

My grandmother was feisty! She loved her three boys fiercely! And she was strong. She had buried one husband and a son before I was even born. She used to call us little monkeys. She made beautiful hand stitched quilts. I would play at her feet while she drank coffee, listened to Dolly Parton on the radio and gossiped with her friends.

She was both proud and protective of her family. Her boys were perfect in her eyes. And she raised them to be polite and kind and in return, her boys ADORED her. Every Memorial Day we went to Goshen (still a tiny, tiny town in the middle of nowhere) to the cemetery where all of my older relatives would be waiting for us and we would put flowers on the graves of her husband and son. She would always show me where she would be buried next to them one day. Then I would listen to the same stories told by the same old people. Like how my Great Aunt Betty was there the day I was born and helped with the delivery. My grandma was always so happy on that day. Strange huh? On a day when you would think she would be so sad.

As I got older and into school I didn't see her as much. Both my father and my mother got remarried and had my two sisters right around the same time and we were always being shuffled around between our two new families. My grandma got too sick to drive and I got too busy with my friends and school. I just didn't realize that she wouldn't be with me forever. I don't know what I was thinking.

When her second husband, my grandpa,who was just a kind and gentle man passed away, I was in the hospital having my third or fourth knee surgery. I didn't get to attend his funeral and I wonder if that's why it still didn't dawn on me that someday my grandma would be gone as well.

I got to see her and know her again after my daughter was born. I thank God we had that time. She was so proud of her new great-granddaughter. My daughter had red hair just like my grandma did in her youth and out of all the grand children me and IZ resemble her the most. But gram was too sick to do much else besides hold her and admire her. That was enough.

Eventually Grandma had to go into a nursing home and that was the beginning of the end for her. Her oldest son passed away around that time and the grief of his passing and her illness was just too much. I would go see her occasionally at the home. Not nearly as much as I could have, or should have. But it was just so painful for me. I couldn't even DEAL with the thought that she was leaving me. I didn't think how painful my absence must have been for her.

When she died, my grief was so deep and so raw that I don't think I really took it out and dealt with it for a year. On the anniversary of her death I got down on my knees and just WEPT until I couldn't cry another tear.

Grandma, I miss you so much! You are with me in my every thought. Every decision I make, I wonder what you are thinking. I wonder if you are watching over me. If you're proud of me. If you get mad at me when I do stupid things.

I think you do watch. Sometimes I feel you so strong I have to stop myself from calling out your name. I think you know Superman's mom in Heaven and that you two feisty women are up there orchestrating things for us. I can't even imagine the conversations the two of you must have.

This is not what I started out to write tonight but I know you're here. I can feel your love caressing me like silk. I wish you were still on this earth. I wish I could still curl up in your lap and feel your arms around me. Out of all the people who have come and gone in my life, you loved me better than all of them. And you still do. And I love you too. I carry you in my heart, you ARE my heart and I hope I make you proud. Someday I'll get to see you again, introduce you to my children and my Superman. I will get to hear you call me your little monkey and the ache of missing you so much will be gone because I can walk with you and talk with you and tell you all of these things in person.

I hope I do your memory justice with the things I have written here. I want the world to know how truly wonderful you are. I know that some of these memories are so silly but they are seared into my brain like a movie picture. Whenever I am sad or scared I just replay them and I am happy again. I will NEVER walk by a lilac bush or smell that scent without thinking of you. Thank you, thank you , thank you for being my gram.

In Memory of my heart, Ercel Kay. I love you.

What Really Matters

Whew! What a crazy crazy month December has been. My Superman hasn't been working for the last two weeks. This is not by choice mind you, this is due to many factors...not the least of which is the economy. We have been stressed to the max about how to pay for Christmas (somehow we managed), how to pay our bills (we're behind but not desperate...yet) and when or IF Superman will be going back to work. (Barack, I love ya, but you getting elected has just thrown the oilfield business into a tizzy. Don't let me down, PLEASE!) And I understand that a lot of us are in the same boat right now. Things are uncertain, money is tight and who knows when it's all going to turn around.

The fact of the matter is this...No matter how little money I have, no matter what kind of house I live in or what kind of car I drive, no matter what the future has in store for me...what REALLY MATTERS is that my family is near me, my children are happy, my husband is healthy.

So for the first day of the New Year I was determined to spend it without care. I didn't think about money or bills or work or the future. Today I stood at the bottom of the hill and looked up at my family and my heart filled with joy at the sound of my Little Tomato's giggle ringing through the frost filled valley. I held by breath as I watched my Superman slide toward me at breakneck speed and I laughed hysterically at my beautiful Cleo running and jumping through the snow like a wild deer. My family is so beautiful. I hope they know how happy it makes me just to be near them. I watched the sun set behind the mountain and thanked God for reminding me of the things that matter most. And the feeling that coursed through my body, making me toasty and warm was just this...everything is going to be alright.