Saved

When I was a kid my family and our extended family rented a houseboat and spent a few days at Lake Powell in Southern Utah. We fished, suntanned, hiked and swam with our cousins and we had a ball.

Then one morning as we were anchored on the shore, my twin brother and my cousins were running around on the steep red rock that dropped straight into the lake. My brother slipped into the water. There was nothing for him to grab onto and he didn't know how to swim. He panicked and began flailing frantically. This only pushed him further out to deeper water.

I remember being on the houseboat and hearing his screams. My blood froze in my veins and my breath stopped as I looked out and saw him go under the water again and again, each time he stayed under a little bit longer. I stood on the deck of that boat completely helpless, frozen and staring, knowing that my brother was about to die. And I couldn't do anything to stop it.

My uncles ran from shore, jumped in the water and pulled him to safety. I stood there gripping the railing with white knuckles, watching the rescue, shaking from head to toe, unnoticed in all the commotion. The whole thing probably happened in minutes but in my memory it played out over an eternity.

He was okay. My brother was safe. I could tell from the nervous chuckles coming from the adults nearby. But I was forever changed.

My brother and I were raised for the most part by my stepfather. He didn't love us. He resented us and he didn't really want us around. He spent the majority of our childhood punishing us for being alive. It wasn't my mother's fault. I know she is going to read this and cry and Mom, that is not my intention, I love you with my whole heart and you did the very best you could do. My mom worked swing shift and she was gone a lot. And my stepfather was a liar. My mom never knew what went on.The punishment was RARELY physical, but that man could get into your head like nobody else. His cruelty knew no bounds.

Now that I am an adult and can look back and dissect it without crawling under the covers and screaming into my pillow, I realize that my brother got the brunt of it. He was my stepfathers mental punching bag. I realize that the largest part of my childhood was spent standing at the railing of that boat, watching my brother suffer and I couldn't do anything about it. I realize all of my fear and rage stems from the fact that I couldn't save my other half. All I could do was stand there frozen and watch.

How I wish I could have had the courage to stand up for him ONE TIME. To tell ANYBODY. To tell my stepfather to just GO TO HELL! I wish I could have just jumped into that water and SWAM with everything I had in me and pull my brother to safety. Maybe then, as adults, my brother could bear to look me in the eye. Maybe then, he would want to be around us more.

Does he blame me? Does he ever resent me that he got it worse than me? Is that why I hardly see or talk to him now? Or is it because when we see each other, it all comes back. Maybe not in-your-face-step-dad-in-the-room back, but subconsciously we look at each other and we see me on the boat and him fighting for his life in that deep dark water. Is it my own guilt that has put this wedge between us? Will we ever be close again in our lifetime?

I know one thing that hasn't changed is how much I love him. I still dream about him. I still giggle when I think about how shy he was and that I did all the talking for him. My mom says that one time she put my hair in pigtails and painted my fingernails. He was quite hurt that he didn't get the same so she fixed his hair and painted his nails and took us out to Glades Drive In for a burger. The two of us were just tickled pink that we were the same.


I am so DAMN HAPPY that he has found the perfect wife and that she is so good to him. It makes me proud that he was able to overcome so much and be such a good, big hearted family man. My sister-in-law tells me how much he loves his children and how, underneath all his tattoos and his gruff exterior, he still has a sensitive and loving heart. He has found someone else to be his other half and she completes him perfectly.

But I miss you, brother. We've been together since CONCEPTION dude! Don't you miss me too? Come out to Planet Vernal and SEE ME. Let's HANG OUT and TALK like we used to. Tell me about your kids and your job and your wonderful wife. Tell me about your motorcycle and how much you LOVE IT! Tell me everything. I want to know. I want to hear it from YOU! Come and get to know my superman and meet your fabulous new nieces! You'll love them, I know it!

Our experience with the stepdad-from-hell SUCKED! But it's over now and we've both been SAVED! Saved by our own power, our own resilience. What happened only made us better! Better parents, better partners and better people. So ENOUGH! Get your ass out here! Your big sis (by 1/2 an hour, hee hee) needs her brother.

Walkabout

This is Superman and Cleo on our daily (I wish, but we try) walk. About 2 blocks from our house is a dirt trail through the cedar and sage brush. At the top of the trail is an amazing view of the mountains on all sides and the town nestled down in the basin. It's breathtaking! We can let Cleo off her leash and she runs and jumps through the cedar like a wild animal let out of a cage! It's thrilling to watch. If I could keep up, I would be running with her.

Just left of that silly little tree in the foreground is my house as seen from halfway up the trail.

This is it! This is the spot where I look around me and I take a deep breath and I thank God that I am here. That my Superman is at my side. That my Cleo is so happy and beautiful. That my home down below contains my gorgeous and wonderful children and that for the first time in my life, I am truly content. That I have FINALLY crawled through my tunnel o' crap and made it out the other side to THIS! Of course, Superman has no idea that all of this is going through my head right now. That the ear to ear smile on my face is pure joy and that I just feel so DAMN GOOD! But that's OK! It's so good to just FEEL it!



The icing on the cake...a full moon to light our way home. I wish I had the poetic talent to describe this moment (like you, Magpie...you're fabulous) but I don't. I'll just let Tom Petty and these pics do it for me.

Full Body Armor Required

Planet Vernal is an oilfield planet. Pretty much 100% of the people who live here either work in the oilfield, work for an oilfield company or know someone who does. The work is hard, most of the time, the hours are long and the money is really good.

Superman works on a drilling rig. He is part of a 5 man crew that drills a "surface hole". They drill a few thousand feet into mud and rock and when they reach a certain depth they move to a new location and a larger rig sets up and takes over where they left off. Aside from the long hours, the muddy dirt roads, the poisonous gas, the rattlesnakes, the snapping chains, the heavy pipe and machinery and the breaking down equipment, it's a pretty safe job.

Every morning (usually about 4am) I get out of bed, fix Superman's breakfast, enjoy a cup of coffee with him and then send him off to face his 16 hour day. This is something I HAVE TO DO. Not because he makes me but because I can't go back to sleep unless I know I've kissed him goodbye, told him to be safe and said "I love you." It's my prayer of protection for him. My ritual of the heart.

It used to be really hard to let him go but after years of sending him off in the same way, it's gotten to be routine. It's what we do everyday. And even though it's easier than it used to be, I still feel anxious when he goes. I still can't wait for him to come home so I can kiss him again and say a prayer of thanks that he is home safe and sound.

Thankfully, most days they just drill. This means that they spend the majority of their day cleaning and maintaining the rig while they send pipe into the hole. When the pipe gets to a certain point they connect another pipe and go back to what they were doing until it's time to make another connection. Occasionally this leaves them time to pursue other activities such as...

Yes, this is the inside of a port-a-potty. Just in case you've never seen one. Fascinating isn't it?

He's not sleeping. He's daydreaming...about me.

These are the good days. When Superman sends me a text message saying "we're just drilling today". As long as he doesn't step on a rattlesnake while eating cheetos, on his way to the Port a Potty then he will probably be just fine.

But sometimes bad things happen even on drilling days. This gigantic hole in the ground is from an explosion. This is what happens when the gas under the earth builds up in the hole and can't get out any other way. When this happened the explosion actually picked up the rig and moved it, sending mud, rock, pipe and debris flying through the air. Thank God no one got hurt. But it's days like this that remind me that Superman's days are NEVER routine. To always be aware that even on the most mundane of days, my Superman is always in danger. THAT is why I haul my butt out of bed at 4AM to fix his breakfast and kiss him goodbye.

Superman is always coming home with bruises from one mishap or another and since he is a big guy and he is really strong it seems like he is always in the most dangerous place, doing the most dangerous thing at any given time. I guess that is what super heroes do but I HATE IT! Believe me, I am NO LOIS LANE. Superman can retire at any time. Someone else can fight the good fight and he can come home and just let his girls give him a pedicure. And as appealing as that may be to him, he insists that slaying the car payment, keeping us from freezing to death during the 20 below Vernal winters and single handedly holding up the roof over our heads is more important.

Then...yesterday a chain snapped. This caused a large metal chain tong to swing around and hit Superman in the thigh. If he had not been my "man of steel" it would have snapped his leg. As it was, the hit was so hard and the pain of the blow so severe that it knocked him unconscious.

He says that he was dreaming he was on the beach surrounded by beautiful bikini clad women serving him Pina Coladas and awoke to find the entire motley drill crew surrounding him instead. Talk about a rude awakening.

He's OK. I don't know how but he is. He limped home and he even limped to work the next day but it SCARED me and it SCARED his crew. When I think about what COULD have happened. If the Tongs had been a bit higher or had hit him any harder...it's just unthinkable. But for Superman...and the rest of the crew, who are his friends, who have families of their own, it is just another day. It's just their job. Too often I hear about some horrible accident happening to someone out there and my first thought is always "Thank God it wasn't his rig" and then I wonder about the guys wife and kids.

So THANK YOU SUPERMAN for going out there and slaying the oilfield dragon for us everyday. Someday soon (please God, let it be sooner than later) we can retire to a beach somewhere and you can be served real Pina Coladas by real bikini clad women. You can just relax and SLEEP LATE every morning and I will still kiss you and fix you breakfast. The oilfield dragon will be dead at last (at least in our world) and you can just sit back and enjoy the rewards.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

HOPE YOU ALL HAD A HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I know we did! Me and Superman took LT around the neighborhood and she got a truckload of candy. I am so sick from chocolate overload that I don't think I ever wanna see a Reese's PB Cup again. Even with our leftover candy and the TONS of candy LT brought home, it is all pretty much gone. Less than 3 days after Halloween and the candy is HISTORY! The sugar high is over and we are all just blobs, chocolate blobs that can't do anything more than push the buttons on the remote control.

But here are some Halloween pics of the oh so adorable and kinda scary Little Tomato.

This something LT has wanted to do to her sister for some time.

B2 and her posse getting ready to go to the Halloween Dance.

IZ and her gang also went to the dance but she got ready to go at her friends house and no one thought to take a single picture. Bummer.