Here Comes the Sun

Picked for me by my precious niece Sami

I've learned that no matter what happens or how hard it seems today,

life goes on

and it will be better tomorrow.

---Maya Angelou

Happy Monday Everyone!!!

Heartbroken

Photo taken October 1974

My grandfather and I

I was 3 years old

My grandfather passed away October 21st 2009 due to complications from Alzheimer's Disease. The last four years have been a long and terrible journey and I am happy for him that it is over. He died peacefully surrounded by his beautiful children, staring into the face of my grandmother who has stood by his side for 65 years.

I wanted him to be released from his suffering so badly but I just can't believe that he is gone from my life and I am heartbroken. I didn't know it was going to hurt this much. I'm not quite sure how to get through it. But I am blessed to have my superman by my side and a HUGE support system in my family, co workers and friends. They have been so wonderful.
I am also thankful for the bonding my mom and I have done over the past few weeks. I feel closer to her now than I have in my life.

I really don't know what to say, my grief is too new and the pain is too much to come up with anything meaningful right now. I just know that I miss him and I love him. He was a wonderful father to me and to IZ. I was priviledged to have the relationship with him that I did. No granddaughter could have asked for better.

I love you, Grandpa. I miss you. I love you....I love you.

Perception

I grew up in a trailer park. There were two entrances to the park and one round oval of a road that went through it. Because each trailer space only had one narrow driveway at the back, most everyone had to park on the road in front of their trailer. So the oval was VERY narrow. It was difficult for two cars to pass each other going in the opposite direction.

I didn't know that we lived in the trailer park because we were poor. I didn't know that people looked down on me or considered me trash. I was never ashamed of where I lived. My friends who lived in regular homes never treated me any different but now that I look back I realize that their parents very obviously did.

Because we lived in a trailer park I was treated to neighbors from ALL walks of life. There was the old couple who lived in the REALLY NICE double wide right at the entrance. They had the nicest yard with actual TREES! My brother and I called them Grandpa and Grandma but in my mind they were the king and queen of the park. Their job was to watch over the children and make sure the parents did their job.

Then there was Mrs. Davidson. She lived in a dark corner lot. She was plump and dark haired and always laughing. Every once in awhile I would be invited into her home to take a piece of candy from the carnival glass candy dish on top of her console TV. Mrs. Davidson kept her blinds closed all the time so it was always dark. But she surrounded herself with fiber optic bric a brac. I don't even know if anyone will remember but an example would be two glass swans sitting on a mirror that represented a pond and out of the center of the pond would shoot a spray of small plastic fibers, like really long toothbrush bristles. They spilled over into the shape of a fountain and light would travel down the fibers and light up at the bottom. So the end of each fiber would have these little tiny balls of light at the end. Like fairy lights. If you touched them they would sway and bounce and the lights would dance. Then all around the fairy lights she would tuck little ceramic elves and flowers and boys and girls and the effect on my seven year old eyes was truly magical.

I would pretend her first name was Althea (at that age, I thought that a very magical name) and her job was to protect the fairies and elves of the kingdom (trailer park). I would imagine that she kept them safe in her darkened living room during the day and at night she would open all her windows and doors and all those dancing lights would zip away and sing and play until morning.

At the opposite entrance to the park was another old woman. I don't know if she was married. I never saw a man coming or going but I seem to have a hazy memory of someone telling me she cared for someone who lived there. This woman had bright red hair, long down her back with one white streak that trailed all the way down her right side. She kept it in a loose braid most of the time but sometimes she let it go. When it was like that she looked fierce and wild! I LOVED it that way. I thought she might be a witch! Good or bad I didn't know. You could tell that she was beautiful once but the thing that really fascinated me about her was her BLACK eyes. All black. Like they were one big pupil.

Whenever I got the rare treat of seeing her in her front yard I would stop my bike and almost WILL her to look at me. Sometimes she would acknowledge me but it was only with a wave of her hand, never a smile. She would turn those black eyes in my direction and I would be frozen in place by her stare. Chills would run up and down my spine and my tummy would get all tickly and then she would lift her hand in my direction and I would return her wave.

What I would have given to have a conversation with her! I just knew she had LIVED amazing adventures and knew all sorts of dark and wonderful secrets. But I never got the nerve. I still dream about her. I dream of knocking on her door and when it opens, she's standing there with her hair all wild and instead of a wave she beckons me to come inside. I still get a little thrill thinking about her thirty years later.

It's funny how I tended to gravitate toward the older people in the park as their were plenty of people the same age as my parents around raising kids, getting in fights, getting arrested. As you can imagine in a trailer park there was a lot of poverty, a lot of kids with dirty skinned knees, uncombed hair and runny noses. There was a lot of loud parties, a few police raids, though not as much as there probably are now. But none of that seemed to touch me. I wasn't AWARE that not everyone got to live in a park. It was the only life I knew and it didn't seem at all bizarre to me. It seems bizarre to me now.

Most of my childhood memories are contained in the space of that tiny little park. Racing around and around that oval at what I thought were breakneck speeds on my banana seat bike, running through our tiny sprinkler that you could place in the center of our yard and the spray would almost be able to cover the entire patch of grass without having to be moved. Setting up our sleeping bags and feeling very brave and grown up sleeping under the stars, not realizing that my parents weren't worried about us because we were surrounded on all sides by either chain link or trailer houses. Our own unique playpen.

I remember playing hide and seek with a group made up of all the kids in our park, every size, every shape, every age and we could use the ENTIRE park to hide in. We would run like wild Indians, whooping and hollering, cutting through people's yards, hiding in vegetable patches and not be expected home until it got too dark to see.

Every kid's swing set was open to every kid in the neighborhood. Every mother could be run to for band aids, wiping away of tears and a swat on the butt if it was required. It was a child's idea of heaven. A place where I knew I was safe, where I knew that every person knew my name. That if my mom was at work and something happened to me or my brother, there was always somewhere to go.

I look at my kids now and how we have raised them and it makes me a little bit sad. My kids don't hop on their bikes and ride to their friends house. Because of how the world has changed it is too dangerous to let them go anywhere alone. I always drive them where they need to go. Our little tomato slept in a tent in our backyard for the first time this summer. I would never have allowed it at our old house because our yard wasn't fully fenced. And I made her older sister sleep out there with LT and her cousins just in case.

When I think about it, we live in a quiet, sleepy little town full of good people but I think because of the media and the Internet we have become more AWARE of what is out there. The fears of the world have crept into our consciousness and made us hyper vigilant and over protective.

I wish things could be the way they were then. I hope that my children will be able to tell stories about magical fairy lights and wild women with dark eyes and dark secrets but I'm afraid that maybe a lot of the magic has been taken out of childhood.

Maybe part of my responsibility to my children is to teach them magic. To point out the shady part of the forest and ask them if they see the elves peeking out from under the ferns. To ask the horses over the fence how their day was, within earshot of my children, and then laugh heartily at whatever I pretend the horses answers to be. I will stop them from stepping on the box elder bugs because one of them could be the most beloved child of the fairy king. "If you spare his life today, maybe someday the king will return the favor when you need it most."

They will roll their eyes at me and think I've gone a bit daffy but every once in awhile I will be rewarded with a giggle and a smile. That's what magic is good for. That's what I need to impress upon my children instead of the creeping fear that I'm not watching them close enough. Our children are a reflection of ourselves. Do I want their perception of the world to be frightening and paranoid or do I want them to see beauty and magic?

So I am going home now to my children. The sun is starting to set. It's twilight. I think it might be the perfect time to leash the dogs and take the dirt road at the end of our street and just see where it might lead.

Prayers Needed

Asking for your thoughts and prayers for friends and family in Samoa. So far there have been two deaths associated with family that we know of and we are hoping there will be no more bad news. My heart and deepest sympathy goes out to Rick, Lavon and Alana.

We have yet to hear anything concrete as the news has been very slow to report for obvious reasons. The latest I heard was 111 dead with the toll expected to rise. There were 4 tsunami waves that hit one after the other that were 15 to 20 feet high and reached over a mile inland. Whole villages and cars were swept out to sea. This was caused by an 8.3 magnitude earthquake in the ocean south of the Samoan islands that witnesses claim shook the islands for up to 5 minutes.

All the land lines are down. There have been a few people who have been able to get out with cellular phones and Internet but for the most part it has been impossible to reach family and loved ones. We are not even sure exactly what areas were hit. We know Pago Pago was hit hard as well as Apia but that is all the news is reporting.

Please pray they are able to get aid organized quickly and rescue efforts are well underway. Please pray that the death toll stays relatively small although 111 is already too high. Please send out a special prayer that Superman's family and loved ones were able to reach safety and that the damage in their area was minimal.

UPDATE***

If you live in Utah, you can go into any Zions Bank and tell them you wish to donate to the Samoan Relief Fund and 100% of the proceeds will go to help the families in Samoa.
If you do not live in Utah, go to www.fox13now.com and they will have the donation information. Any donation, no matter how small would be appreciated.

Balancing Act

Superman is 47 years old today! This past year has been a real test for us. Between the kids and the economy and moving AGAIN, things have been crazy! I've been up and down and all around and I don't know how he's held on for the ride.

I have never been in a true partnership with someone I love and it's been an eye opening experience for me. In the past, whether it was my parents, or my friends or myself, there is always one thing that seems to tip the scales towards unhappiness, divorce, affairs, whatever. Most of the time it's money, sometimes it's other things but Superman and I seem to be able to BALANCE. Just when I feel like I'm sliding toward the abyss he takes on a little bit more of me and puts things right again. He truly is my hero.

The truth is, I used to dream there was someone out there who could just LOVE me. Someone who could make light of my moods and set me straight without making me feel crazy or stupid. Someone who can make me smile through my tears. Someone who makes me feel beautiful even when I have morning breath and my mascara is smeared. I used to WISH with my whole heart that whatever guy I was with could live up to this ideal I had conjured in my head and they never could.

So I gave up. I was over thirty, my daughter was about to become a teenager and showing her independence and I decided that if that perfect man wasn't out there then I would just be alone. I would never settle. And then there he was.

And no, he's not perfect. But he's perfect for me. He BALANCES me. He lifts me when I'm dipping too low and brings me back to earth when I'm flying out of control. He really listens to what I'm saying and he tries to understand me. Just the fact that he TRIES is enough for me.

I don't know why he fell in love with me. I truly don't. I can be demanding and moody. My thoughts are always rushing ahead and usually my mouth is going right along with it but he slows me down. He calms my soul and helps me to see that there is more to life than just the World According to Me. I can't believe he's still by my side after all this time and he shows no signs that I'm wearing him down.

Baby, for your birthday I wanted to take you to Paris and show you paintings by Gauguin. I wanted to fly you to Rome and show you sculpture by Michelangelo. I wanted to hike to the top of Peruvian mountains and show you lost worlds and I wanted to watch the sun set from the beaches of Tahiti while we hold hands and sip our Pama on the rocks. I would if I could, my love. I hope that someday I can. Because the world is what you have given to me. You have opened my eyes to joy and life and love. What could I possibly give you in return?

All I have is me, my love. And you have me, all of me, heart and soul. Happy Birthday.

OOPS!

I was going for strawberry blonde...

I'm thinking that maybe the blonde part didn't work cuz it sat in my bathroom cupboard for...oh, I'd say maybe...two years?

So...this is what I got. The picture doesn't do it justice. It's kinda neon. My kids and their friends think it's pretty cool. Superman loves it. I think it's that whole "other woman" fantasy that men have. Or... maybe it's the "prostitute" fantasy. Whatever, he's diggin' it.

But I'm just not sure. It's been a week and I keep thinking I'll recolor but I'm afraid I'm going to get something worse. Or I'll go bald. (sigh)

So here it is... let me know what you think. Do I deal with it or do I attempt to fix it?

In other news...

Some of you were wondering whatever happened to my baby girl's daddy trying to contact her on her myspace account. You remember, the post where I was completely FREAKING OUT! Well, I took your advice. IZ and I had a good talk about things and she also read my post and your comments, which helped out a ton and she sent her sperm donor (harsh) back a message and we waited. And waited. And waited.

Every once in awhile I would ask IZ if she heard anything and then one day she checked and his myspace account had been removed. Just like that. When I asked her how she felt about it her answer was that she didn't really care. But I think she did care. And I think it hurt her.

Me? I was relieved. But a part of me was angry. You just don't DO THAT! You don't suddenly poke your head out and say "Here I am! Look at me!" And then just as suddenly disappear. Not when it's the feelings of a young teenager at stake. I guess I didn't expect anything different. And neither did she but I think she was HOPING.

I don't know what he was thinking but what I want to believe is maybe he got scared. Maybe, just maybe, the part of him that is capable of being honorable knew that deep down he would screw it up and he didn't want to do that to her. Maybe. Or maybe he was just being a total &*%#head. Unfortunately, that's probably closer to the truth.

What I KNOW is that IZ is LOVED. DEEPLY LOVED. Not just by me but by Superman and her grandparents and her many aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. I need her to know that she is surrounded 24/7 by LOVE. And that she is beautiful and magical and talented and kind. She doesn't need her father around to know WHO SHE IS! It's reflected back at her by the people she has in her life.

As for the rest of my girls, things are great. School started a couple weeks ago and so far, so good. LT is in middle school, which means her first locker and switching classes and feeling oh-so-grownup. She is loving it. Stella got her driver's license over the summer and I am so loving being able to send her to the store or to pick up IZ and LT when they need a ride. And she started playing tennis for her school and has been on way too many road trips to count. She's having a ball.

Superman has been working out of town quite a bit lately. I really hate having him gone but he IS Working, which is more than I can say for a lot of people out here. We count our blessings no matter how they are packaged.

It is getting colder on Planet Vernal. We get thunderstorms almost everyday. Last night was a real light show and me and the girls turned out all the lights, snuggled on the couch with the dogs and just watched the storm. It was AWESOME! One of those moments that I wish I could record so I could take it out every once in a while and replay.

I really can't ask for more right now. My cup is overflowing. Well, maybe one thing. Can we rewind to last Saturday when I dyed my hair? Then things would be just about perfect.

Summer Daze

Summer is almost over on Planet Vernal. It gets dark right around 7:30 and the temps at night are in the 40's and 50's. If you ask me, summer went by way too fast. These pics were taken about 10 minutes from my house at a place called Red Fleet.

Aqua girl here is actually my 10-year-old niece, Shane. We brought her and her twin sister, Reed, home with us after a trip to Las Vegas. They stayed with us for two weeks and even though one of them suffered some pretty serious bouts of homesickness the first couple of nights, I think they had a really good time.

Since it was fairly late in the day when we finished our swim, we decided it would be easiest to just BBQ some burgers at home. Reed overheard this and said to me "Are we going to cook burgers on the grill and listen to music and eat outside and sit in lawn chairs and talk about the good old days?!" When I told her that was EXACTLY what we were gonna do she said "Oh my gosh! I've wanted to do that my WHOLE LIFE!"

So just to up the ante, Superman and I pulled out the tent, let the girls outfit it with air mattresses, blankets, flashlights, stuffed animals and board games and they spent the majority of their nights giggling in the backyard under the stars. It made me want to be a kid again. (sigh).

The girls LOVED the dogs and were completely fascinated by IZ's pet rats. Yes, I said rats. Two of them. One of whom is HUGE! We're talking large kitten huge. And the other one had an ear problem and always has her head sideways. She's our sideways rat. She's much smaller and actually kinda cute...kinda. The last night the girls were here, Reed brought the small rat into the backyard and our Great Dane, Cleo came over for a sniff. Reed, not knowing any better held the rat out to Cleo thinking, I don't know, that Cleo might lick it or something. But no...faster than any of us could react Cleo had the rat in her jaws. You could have heard my shriek for miles, which caused Cleo to just as quickly release her hold on the poor little thing. I was seriously expecting a headless rat but THANK GOODNESS!!! the rat was in one piece and just fine. I almost had a heart attack.

We did lots of fun things this summer, in between Superman's grueling work schedule. Lots of BBQ's. Lots of time hanging out with our friends. A couple of road trips. One to Las Vegas where we didn't win ANY money. Oh wait, that was just like the last trip to Vegas. We DONATED! To the cause....of....hmmmm....

Anywho, I'll just share some more pics of Red Fleet since it pretty much sums up the summer for us and the kids. Enjoy!

LT, Reed and Shane on the rocks at the lake shore.

The whole family, except photographer me, Stella, Superman, LT, Shane, Bre (IZ's BFF), Reed and IZ.

Stella's graceful dive.

Beautiful Stella.

Reed's Cannonball!

Bre and IZ

Reed, Shane & LT

My Superman

Shane, Reed, LT

Superman's SPLASH!!

Hope everyone had a WONDERFUL SUMMER!