Signs of Life on Planet Vernal

Yup...Message Received

2011-12-07T09:09:00.000-08:00

Years ago, my uncle lit a fire in my grandma's downstairs fireplace. The chimney caught fire and started raining hot embers onto the roof. It was SCARY. The fire department was called and before you know it the block was filled with police cars, fire trucks and about 30 firefighters. The chimney was extinguished in about 2 minutes. Everybody packed up and went on their way and 15 minutes later a passerby would not have even known that tragedy had been averted.

When I heard the story later that day, my grandmother got really upset, NOT BECAUSE HER HOUSE HAD ALMOST BURNED TO THE GROUND but because of the HUMILIATION she suffered at having the fire and police department in front of her house. EVERYBODY SAW! She said she'd never been so embarrassed in her whole life! um....okay.

I remember thinking how absurd that was. How ungrateful she was and how she should consider herself lucky that she wasn't sitting on a pile of burned house and destroyed possessions.

Flash forward 10 years later. Last night. My house.

At 11pm, everyone was in bed except me. I was turning off the xmas lights, locking the doors and had just settled in for a good read when my fire alarms started going off. I was annoyed. I walked the entire house, smelling for smoke, feeling for heat and looking for flames and there was nothing. I reset the alarm and went back to my book. 10 minutes later they went off again. TICKED OFF! This, of course, brought the kids, which ticked me off even more and I reset the alarms and told them to go back to bed. Of course, they were wired and sleep was not even an option for them so they all settled into my clean kitchen (it only stays clean between the hours of 10pm and 6am) and started to mess it up again, making toast. I was walking around looking for batteries so I could switch out my alarms and see if that was the problem. That's when the alarms went off again.

This got Peter out of bed. I sent him to 7-11 for batteries and the alarms went off 3 times before he got back. We changed the batteries and the alarms sounded repeatedly for the next 10 minutes. Now I was starting to think that maybe something was wrong. I called dispatch. I really really didn't want to. They told me, no problem. They would send out A GUY to just check things out and make sure everything was okay. Within 5 minutes I had 25 volunteer firefighters all driving their own pickup trucks, the cities largest fire engine, the sheriff and the ambulance at my house.

Now tell me that ridiculousness is not bred into me because my thought was not relief that everything was gonna be ok now or even fear that maybe this was a big deal. All I could think was "OMG! Every neighbor for two miles is watching us right now!" And I was mad! And I was embarrassed! I was channeling my lovely grandmother and she's not even dead.

I sent Peter and the kids to the neighbors across the street cuz they were in their p.j's and it was 5 degrees outside and I sat on the front porch with the dogs and watched the circus unfold.

And guess what?

Not only did I have CO2 leaking into my basement, I also had a natural gas leak. Which means, that after me, Peter, the kids and the dogs passed out from carbon monoxide, the house would have exploded and burned down on top of us.

When I think about how, for a moment, I seriously considered unplugging all the alarms and going to bed, I feel a little bit sick.

Was it overkill to send out the entire Vernal Fire Department, police department and EMTs? Yeah. Probably. Did EVERYBODY within several miles see the mayhem unfold on my front lawn? Yeah. Pretty much. But this morning I woke up with a roof still over my head. My children headed to work and school and they were healthy and safe. My landlord brought me a shiny new water heater to replace the deadly disaster that almost killed us and the sun was shining and I felt good even after being up all night. And instead of being embarrassed, now I just feel grateful...so grateful. There are people out there willing to get out of their beds, in 5 degree weather, RUSH to my house (they got there so fast) and help my family. Even if it had been nothing, they were willing to do it. I also need to give a shout out to the Questar gas man. He's the one who ultimately found the problem and shut the leak down. When he got there he was not happy but he was so kind and so professional and he didn't rush through things and he was just awesome. Questar, give that man a raise. Seriously.

I guess first off, I need to say, if you're alarms go off, there is probably a reason. CO2 is invisible and has NO SMELL. By the time we could've recognized that something was wrong, some or all of us would have been really sick. CO2 could have killed us. Keep your batteries fresh so that you know if those alarms go off, something is WRONG. Don't ignore it. It cost us nothing but a little drama to have the fire department come out and check. In my case, they found something. My home is a new home. It's only 3 years old. It doesn't just happen in older homes. Mine was caused by a faulty water heater.

Second, I need to say Thank You! Thanks to every volunteer fire department in every small town in the country. These guys do not get paid to do what they do. They attend training and meetings all on their dime and their time and from the looks of it, last night everyone one of them came out in the cold to help my family.

And my neighbors, who for a split second I was mortified to play out my little drama in front of, a big big thank you. We were offered food, showers, a place to sleep by more than one family. If this had escalated into something worse, we would have been taken care of.

It's the holidays and things are crazy. I don't have any time to myself these days. Just go go go. But now my focus has shifted. All I really want to do is sit with Peter and the kids and watch a movie. Get a pizza so I don't have to cook and eat dinner at the table on our good plates to make it special. Cuddle with my dogs and just breathe in the goodness that is my life. It's too bad that it takes a close call to put it all in perspective but maybe that's what this was. A message to just stop for a minute and think about what's important. Just be with the people I love the most in this world and just be thankful. It's a good place to be.

The BIG ONE

2011-12-01T12:38:00.000-08:00

I will be turning 40 years old at exactly 4:29pm today. And I'm okay with it. Truly. I have never been the type of person to panic about my age. I get little twinges now and again when I do a mirror pass by and notice the extra sag around my jawline the way my neck is no longer firm and moist but kinda soft and dry. And I truly truly wanted to lose that 20 lbs before my birthday so I could look as fabulous on the outside as I am on the inside but that didn't happen and I'm thinking the fact that I have lived on this earth for 40 years is the reason I don't really care.

It's my family and friends who seem to think that the BIG 4-0 is a HUGE DEAL! "We gotta have a party! You only turn 40 once!" "We gotta go to lunch today, it's your 40th!" "Of COURSE we're having cake! I can't wait to see you blow out ALL those candles!" So today has been a bit of a surprise for me. After 20 some odd years of birthdays not being a big deal, this has been kinda nice.

I came to work this morning to the biggest poinsettia plant I've ever seen on my desk (it's gorgeous and I didn't even know I liked poinsettias) and a basket full of alcohol. Lunch with my bestie, dinner tonight with Peter and the kids and yes, yes...a cake FULL of candles, I'm sure. The drunken debauchery that will be my Saturday night neighborhood birthday/poker party. Oh yeah, there is also the most excellent camera I bought for myself for my birthday. It really is SUPER AWESOME!

But call it old age wisdom or an appreciation for the finer things in life, this has been the best birthday in a long time for many reasons but the best reason, the one that makes my toes curl and the warm fuzzies spread from by heart to my head to my stomach and back again has been one tiny little word on facebook. Grandma. Happy Birthday Grandma! Who knew that word could make me giggle like a ten year old, clap my hands and squeal with delight like a toddler and make me smile as big as a 16 year old being handed the keys to her first car.

I love you my beautiful Kadence and Koloti. You are the jam to my toast, the honey to my bee, the sun to my shine and the heart to my beat. Thank you for letting me be your grandma and for making me look forward to spending the rest of my birthdays with you.

My babies crying that they couldn't spend my birthday with me.

Lesson Learned

2011-11-15T14:09:00.000-08:00

It has taken me four months to post this. My stepmom passed away suddenly last July. I spoke to her on the Friday before. I spoke to her most days actually, sometimes several times a day. Sometimes when the phone would ring, I would roll my eyes and think "Oh my GOSH! WHAT NOW!" And sometimes I would hit ignore. Why did I do that? I had a lot of reasons. I was working. I was busy. My TV show was on. It was "family time". They all seemed like good reasons at the time. They don't now. They just seem kinda....selfish.

The truth is, when I did take the call we had the best conversations ever. Ever. We never talked for less than 30 minutes and sometimes for more than an hour. We always laughed, we sometimes cried and she never failed to tell me how proud she was of me, how much she loved me and what our friendship meant to her.

Sometimes it was difficult. She was really hard on herself. She wanted to be the best wife, best mother and best grandmother in the world but like all of us, she fell short. Sometimes she fell spectacularly short. But in my eyes, her light never dimmed. Even when things got really bad, when the depression and the demons took control and the alcohol cloud descended, I still thought she was the most beautiful, funny, vibrant person in my life. She shined. I remember thinking at times when she was being particularly hard on herself, "CORI! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW WONDERFUL YOU ARE? YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW?" And sometimes I told her. My biggest regret is that she didn't believe me enough to get well.

I would give anything in this world to have her back. The last few weeks, I've just wanted my phone to ring and have it be her on the line. As I said, our last conversation was on the Friday before. Peter and I were getting the trailer ready to go camping. I had a list a mile long. I had just pulled into the driveway and daylight was burning. My phone rang and I thought, "Oh Jeez Not now!" But instead of hitting the ignore button, I reclined my seat, rolled down the window, put my feet up on my steering wheel and settled in for a chat. You can't tell me there wasn't some angel in my ear telling me to take this time.

We talked for two hours. We said things to each other that you only dream of saying. We didn't know it would be the last time we would ever speak. But somehow we knew it in spirit. I know that Cori is my mom, she loves me, I love her. I was one of her best friends and she was mine. She was proud of me and that means a lot. And I was always proud to call her my mom. She wasn't perfect but if she were here right now I would bask in her imperfections, forgive her for them because God knows she always forgave me for mine. And I know that because this happened I will never again take for granted the people in my life who mean the most to me.

I miss her so much. I want this pain to end and then in a way I don't because the truth is...I love her more than I ever showed her in this life. I miss her so much but she is never far away from me in my heart. I can't wait to see her again. To hold her close and hear her laugh and tell her again how much she means to me. I can't wait to see her free from pain and depression. I can't wait to hear ALL about the people she's met and ALL the gossip. I can't wait to see all the changes she's made in this new world of hers. She is a force of nature. There is no way that heaven is the same now that she is there.

Cori, I love you so much. Sometimes you made me so angry I could just scream but you need to know that I ALWAYS forgave you. I could never hold a grudge in the face of so much love. Your light has always shined so bright for me, even at your worst, I still thought you were one of the most wonderful people I've ever known.

I will take care of Dad and your girls the best I can. I will hug "willybunny" every night in your memory. I will strive to keep the best of you and spread it around to everyone in my life and I will love you forever. XOXO Till we meet again, Your Daughter, Lee♥

Yup...adorable.

2011-07-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

SUPERMAN JR.

Just Because

2011-07-06T14:47:00.000-07:00

I took these of my sister and her gorgeous kids when they came out to visit me on Planet Vernal a couple weeks ago. My sisters children are so damn beautiful it's ridiculous so I had to share. ENJOY!

Dear Spider:

2011-07-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

Don't kill him! I said. Spider's are good! I said. They kill the BAD insects! Spiders are good luck. That's what I said. And then....you bit me. Why did you do it? I saved your LIFE, man! Stuck my neck out for you. Everybody told me I was crazy. They said you would betray me. I BELIEVED IN YOU DUDE!

You have given me no choice. Your guts must now be smeared upon the hardwood floor. No! No! It doesn't matter what you have to say in your defense! You brought this on yourself...

Sincerely, Lee

hun-ger; -verb: to have a compelling need or a strong desire

2011-06-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

When I was 11 years old and got the "curse", I complained about pain and feeling tired and feeling nauseated all the time. I thought I was probably dying of some dread disease. I got a lot of "it's all in your head" or "I think you're a hypochondriac". 3 or 4 days of every month I skipped school and lay in bed. Curled into a ball. I felt sick. No big deal was made about it. I didn't get a lot of sympathy and after awhile it just became a part of my life. I CHOSE to ignore it. Or complain about it and do nothing. A few years later I wound up in the Emergency Room with a blood count of 15 and was told that if I had ignored it until Monday, I would have died from blood loss.

Endometriosos was the diagnosis. Probably had it from the first few years of my menstrual cycle...it has mysterious little symptoms like pain, nausea, fatigue...hmm.....so it's like REAL? REALLY REAL? You mean, I'm vindicated? There was really something WRONG with me?

So when I started feeling tired like "collapse on the couch and die tired" or when I started feeling pain in my right side. When I just felt "sick" I ignored it. For a year, I ignored it and then I started thinking about the doctor saying "if you'd ignored it much longer, you would be dead."

When I finally decided to GO to the doctor, I almost felt guilty. I didn't want to hear "it's all in your head, you hypochondriac drama queen. I didn't tell anybody until my doctors started saying things like "these numbers are "alarming" or "we need to send you to another specialist". And even then, I said things like "just a little blood work...it's no big deal..."

And I started to feel that way...it's no big deal. I even had a liver biopsy, which up to this point in my life has been the most traumatic, horrific thing that's ever happened to me. The doctor that performed the procedure should burn in hell. The diagnosis was a chronic and progressive liver disease. Still my attitude has been "eh...whatev." A few meds here and there, some blood work every once in awhile. No big deal.

But NOW...it's 7 years later....I am almost 40 years old, which sounded OLD until I got here. My daughter IZ is 18 and done with high school and I kinda wanna be around to see where she goes from here. I met and now live with the most wonderful man in the universe and I am helping him raise his fabulous daughters who I have come to love as much as IZ, which I didn't know was possible. My life is crazy busy and full of ups and downs and drama and just.....STUFF!

We have PLANS, man, PLANS! We want to travel. Play with our grandchildren. Buy a house. Go on cruises. Take road trips. LIVE our lives to the fullest! Cuz to be perfectly honest, we have WASTED so much TIME! Instead of cherishing every precious moment of our lives, even the hard ones, I feel like all we have done is BITCH AND MOAN! And WORK OUR ASSES OFF!

We are just now figuring out how GREAT our kids are! Most of the time. And how much we want them around! I am a step-grandma for pete's sake! I have a grandson. He so much as yawns and I am GIDDY with happiness! It's effing ridiculous! It makes no sense and yet, there it is. I'll be so damn happy when June has her baby in October I won't be able to stand myself.

But I'm not feeling too hot these days. I feel...sick. And my blood work isn't looking that great. And I'm scared. I don't want to die of a DISEASE. It's ugly. It's an ugly way to die. And it hurts people, it hurts the people I care about. And I don't know what to do and I don't know how to deal...

Then this morning I read THIS:

"I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that grows in us all. -Richard Wright, American Hunger

Well, damn...

I hurl my words into darkness everyday. I hear my echos loud and clear. Whether I want to or not. And right now, my own words are screaming back at me that I should stop whining and not give in to the darkness.

Everything will turn out the way that it should, right? And whether I'm 50 or 80 I want my loved ones to say, "She marched, she fought, she hungered for life....and she had a beautiful life."

Pictorial Guide to Past Events on Planet Vernal While on Blog Vacation

2011-06-16T14:06:00.000-07:00

October 2010

Stella flew to Australia to spend time with Sydney and her Prince Charming. She also spent some quality time with her sisters, cousins, Aunties, Uncles and Grandad. I'm so jealous.

We didn't know it at the time but Sydney was baking Superman's first grandbaby in this picture but more on that little gem later.

Stella got to see all the sites and ate ALOT of Australian food and also got to be Maid of Honor to her sister, June. Which brings us to...

November 2010

The WEDDING OF JUNE AND HARRY (not real names of course)!

June and Harry were married in the Sydney Temple in November 2010. Don't they make a gorgeous couple? We were unable to attend as it took every last dime we had to send Stella and Roma Tomato over and it broke our hearts to miss it but we got a lot of pics and a play by play of the entire event as there were about a million people there. We are so thrilled that we now have TWO daughters married to good husbands. We know Harry will treat our June like a queen.

P.S. They got to work right away and made us a sweet little granddaughter who will be joining us in October. Yes, you heard right. That will be grandbaby #2 in less than 6 months.

March 2011

Stella's Senior Prom

She could have worn a potato sack and looked amazing but in this dress she just takes my breath away. I love living vicariously through my children. I took a TON of pictures cuz I couldn't take a bad one. HAHA! She had a ball and I hope she felt as much of a princess as she looked. Undoubtedly the most beautiful girl there.

April 2011

Lesser event but just as fun was Senior Ball. She went with her besties and made a lasting memory with them before they all graduate and move on with life. Aww, makes me wanna cry a little.

May 2011

Stella and IZ graduated from Uintah High School! YEAH! One graduate is wonderful but TWO is almost too much! I am so proud of them. I really have no words.

IZ and Stella both have cars. They both have JOBS. And they both plan on saving their summer money and going to college. They both have wonderful friends that I adore and have managed to make it through school without drinking, drugs, unplanned pregnancies, serious boyfriends and/or relationship drama and apart from that unfortunate water balloon incident with Stella and her friends, neither of them have ever been arrested! Superman and I must be doing something right.

AND THE TOPPER ON THE CAKE!!!

Grandbaby #1

Superman Junior! Heir to the Kingdom! 8lbs 13 Oz, 21 inches long and on his way to becoming the next Michael Jordan. I personally think he might just be the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. And he only gets better looking as the days go by. What can I say? My cup is overflowing. I'll just leave you with this cuz there isn't anything I can say that's gonna top it.

Control is Overrated

2011-06-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, that LUMP under all those covers is none other than our Roma Tomato! She's home! For good this time! She's just sleeping off a little bit of jet lag.

Superman and I left Vernal on Saturday Morning. Roma Tomato left Auckland NZ that evening for Los Angeles. By Sunday afternoon we had her in our arms. Safe and sound. 1600 mile round trip for Superman and I. Many more miles for RT.

It's been 8 long months but it's much better than the 5 years it was going to be and we are so thankful to RT's mum for sending her back to us. It seems we have all FINALLY come to an understanding that Planet Vernal is where she belongs for now. We have FINALLY been able to express to each other that I am not trying to take mum's place in RT's life, that mum will ALWAYS be mum and I am blessed and honored to be a part of raising her beautiful girl.

My hope is that this will be the beginning of a partnership, maybe even a friendship (and yes, I think that would be wonderful) between all of us to ensure that RT has the best of everything we can teach her.

But the best part of this whole experience has been what I have learned. I've always been told that God is in control. That everything happens for a reason. Being a control freak myself, sometimes, MOST times, I am not the most gracious when it comes to giving it up to God. I kick and scream and rage at the universe. I cry, I sulk and I truly feel as my world is coming to an end. So you can imagine my surprise that things have turned out the way they have.

Who would have thought that by ending the fighting, by giving it up to God, sending RT to New Zealand that it would be RT herself who would become the peacemaker? It was her becoming the go-between that helped us to meet in the middle and get to know each other on a whole other level. She handled herself with grace and wisdom beyond her years. I know God had a hand in that. He gave her strength and wisdom and he gave all of us "adults" the bop on the head we needed to see things from her point of view.

Roma Tomato is home, Superman, RT's mum and I are understanding each other and working as a team and I have gained empathy and compassion by allowing a greater power to take the reins. We can finally move forward instead of turning in circles and going nowhere.

I am truly truly humbled and thankful and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Psstt.....I have a secret...

2011-06-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

I know I've been away for awhile. Since I sent our Roma Tomato off to New Zealand I have found that I've had to give myself a "different" creative outlet. I have been decidedly down and out. And whining and crying and feeling sorry for myself on the internet was not the most healthy outlet for me.
However, something is about to happen this weekend that's gonna change all of that for me. I'll share it with you all next week but I don't wanna jinx it. Superstition, karma, vibrations to the universe, paranoia....call it what you will but until I have a certain "someone" in my arms....I'm not telling! So until next week...mum's the word.

Giving Thanks

2010-11-25T00:34:00.000-08:00

As moms we all know what it's like to send our babies away somewhere without us for the first time. Whether it's a school field trip or a plane trip to stay with relatives we all think and feel the same thing. Will she be alright? What if she gets homesick? Is she eating right? Is she brushing her teeth? And always the dreaded, sickening thought....what if she gets hurt and I can't get to her?

Our Roma tomato is in Sydney right now staying with her big sister. This is an extended stopover on her way to New Zealand to live with her mom for awhile. She has been visiting all of her Uncles, Aunties and cousins, eating good Australian food, petting koalas, kangaroos and wallabies, getting to know her two new brother-in-laws and for the most part, having the time of her life.

Putting her on that plane, not knowing when I would see her again, all of the what-ifs going through my mind, was the most difficult thing I've had to do in my life. That she has been in such good hands, being so well taken care of has taken much of the sting out of this for me. I've been able to get on with things because I know that she is getting all of the love and attention and care that Superman and I would be giving her here.

A few days ago, while visiting her Uncle, Roma Tomato jumped up from the couch and ran to the kitchen to give her Grandad a hug. She either passed out and then had a seizure or she had a seizure that caused her to black out. Either way, on her way down, she grabbed hold of her grandad and pulled him down on top of her. Grandad got up, Roma T. did not.

The phone call from Sydney as they were taking her to the hospital was my worst nightmare come true. Superman and I were in a state of shock for about an hour. Of course, we were thinking, we'll have to somehow, SOMEHOW scrape together the money, get Superman on a plane IMMEDIATELY and bring our baby HOME! We just kind of paced about the house waiting......waiting...for word.

The news was not good. Roma T. was OUT OF IT. Not speaking, unable to remember anything that happened just prior to and for several hours after the seizure. The lights were on but she was most definitely not at home. I was so sick with dread and worry. Superman was making light of things, kind of acting wacky and cracking jokes. Trying to stay moving and busy and then...I went in for the hug....and the world turned upside down.

Everybody has seen the superhero in movies reach the point where the villain has the upper hand. The world is about to be destroyed and the bad guy has exploited our hero's ONE WEAKNESS in order to carry out his evil scheme. Our hero is almost always on his knees, holding up his hands defensively, knowing that the future of the world rests on his shoulders and the burden is just too much. Defeated, crying, beaten...he simply cannot go on. As dramatic as this is in the movies, I promise you it is NOTHING compared to experiencing it, watching it happen in real life, before you very eyes. I felt that a chasm had opened beneath our feet. I could see Roma Tomato and SM tumbling down down into the darkness and I only had ahold of them with one shaking, slippery, tenuous grasp. Superman's kryptonite is his children. He can take any beating, slay any monster so long as his children are safe. His little girl in pain, frightened and without her daddy by her side brought my super hero to his knees.

That is the moment when you can do nothing else but hold on tight and pray. And I prayed. Even as I held him and comforted him and told him everything would be alright I prayed. Oh God oh God oh God, please I love my family, Lord. Please, let Roma Tomato be alright. Please slow down SM's heart rate. Help him to BREATHE! Please, Dear Lord, what do I do? I don't know what to do!....

Thank God, Roma T. is going to be OK. She has had a time of it, let me tell you. But at the same time, we have all been very blessed. She is in Australia and being a New Zealand citizen, she qualifies for Australia's free health care. We have not and will not have to pay a dime. She has had every test run on her including MRI, CT scan, EKG, blood draws, etc. all in record time and all clean except for a fracture to her cheek. She's been to see a plastic surgeon, an eye specialist without waiting. No co-pays, referrals, finance agreements, deductibles. Just, here's what she needs, let's get it done. She will be having surgery tomorrow to repair the fracture and she will be treated in the finest children's hospital in Australia. She will be put under general anesthesia, the surgery will be quick and minimally invasive and if all goes well, she won't even have to spend the night.

I sit here at 2am on Thanksgiving morning so full of gratitude that I can't even sleep. I am humbled and amazed by all that has taken place. Of course, I must first thank God. You have watched over our lovely girl and gotten her the help she needs, when she needs it. If this is not your doing, I don't know what is. You have given us comfort and peace and the ability to think rationally and not reactively. You have placed her in the care of Sydney and her Prince Charming, which right now, is just where she needs to be.

Thank you Sydney and PC. It has been an unquestionable relief that Roma Tomato is being so well cared for by the two of you. Here you are, two young newlyweds, with no children, no experience in this kind of thing and you have stepped up in every way possible. If we didn't have you there, taking such good care of your little sister, we don't know how we could cope. Because of you, our worry has been so much less. We are so proud of you and feel so very blessed that you, Sydney, are such a wonderful big sister and that Prince C. is such a good, good man. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

And thanks to my precious Roma Tomato. The blessings you have brought into my life are without number. You have made me a better person, a better companion to your daddy and a better mom. You have been through so much the last few days and throughout all of it you have kept your sense of humor and your tenacity. Your bravery has astounded me. I am so so PROUD of you. You are much stronger than I have ever given you credit for and I needed to see that so it will be easier for me when you are away. Now I know that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you will be alright. I love you so much. I wish I could be there tomorrow when you go in for your surgery. I know you will be surrounded by people that love you and your daddy and I will be sending every ounce of love we have to you. Our every thought will be with you. I know you will be brave and I know that you will come out of surgery and this whole awful ordeal will FINALLY be over. All that will be left will be for you to heal.

I have so much more to be thankful for. This would be an awfully long post if I were to list them all but I do want to say that I am so thankful for my Superman. I am thankful for my beautiful daughter Izzie. I am thankful that the Lord chose me to help Superman raise Stella and Roma T. and be a friend and stepmother to Sydney and B1. My cup is overflowing. It is with thoughts of my family that I will shut down my computer and try to get some sleep before I have to get up and put in the turkey. I do not know what I have done in this life to deserve so much.

Skinny is as skinny does...whatever

2010-11-01T22:22:00.000-07:00

If you haven't been over to Barefoot Foodie's Blog lately you need to go check it out. You have to read the letter she wrote to Marie Claire mag regarding an article published about (gasp!) "fatties". Her response to the tripe that magazine puts out is fabulous. They would be fools not to publish it, especially after the response Brittney's letter got. I'm telling you now, if you've ever struggled with your weight, looked in the mirror and not liked what you see or even if you have a "supermodel" (gag) body, her post is a must read.
HOWEVER, the post is NOT what prompted me to write today. It was actually the video she posted the next day. This is Brittney and her cute as pie hubby having a discussion with her lovely readers about the effect her size has on her hubby's life. I made my Superman watch it with me. Not because I wanted to say "SEE! That's there's a good man!" I knew my darling hubby would get a kick out of the whole thing. It happens to be the same discussion we have ALL THE TIME!
Our little talks go something like "Love of my life, your size has no bearing on my life except for the unhappiness that it brings you. It makes me feel bad when you cry in the fitting room or when you don't want to go out on a date because you don't like the way you look."
In the video I believe the words Brittney's hubby used were "I just wish you would adore yourself as much as me and the kids do." Awwwwww! (sigh and maybe a little tear).
Now, you wanna hear something really effed up? I am SO DEEP in my own self-loathing that although it does temporarily warm my toes to hear Superman say such sweet things, I really don't believe him. I WANT to believe him. I KNOW that he wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it but I FEEL like he's pretty much full of crap. Hmmmmm.....howz little confession sound? Crazy, I know but that's just the way it is. I mean, how could he adore me? I look like hell! And I'm snappy and bitchy and tired all the time. I don't resemble in any way the cute, skinny girl he once knew. (ok somewhat) skinny cuz let's face it, we all know this is something I've been battling a long time.
So, to end this little rant let me tell you what's been rolling around in my brain since I watched Barefoot Foodies MOST AWESOME video:
#1 Watch the video. You will relate. I promise.
#2 I love food. I really do. Food is the main component in some of the best memories of my life. It tastes good. It makes me happy. Gets the endorphins flowing if you know what I mean. It's not an addiction. I don't hide in the closet and binge on ding dongs. I can very easily skip a dessert or turn down a chocolate bar but I LOVE to entertain my friends, my family. I love sitting at the table, watching the people around me thoroughly enjoy what I've prepared and how crappy would that be to sit at the same table picking at my lettuce and tomato with fat-free dressing on the side while everyone else is stuffing themselves sick. I actually have a plaque in my entry that says "Come often, laugh lots, eat much." It's kinda our motto.
#3 I got bad genes. Now come on, no eye rolls, it's true. I got 'em. Most of the people in my family struggle with their weight. There's no one in my close immediate family that is just naturally skinny. We all gotta work at it, HARD. What can I do? Have them sliced out? Get gastric bypass which to me is EXTREME to say the least?
I've decided to change my goals a little bit. I think I'm going to attack my weight issues from a different angle. I got a new attitude, you might say. I will eat what I want, when I want. I will eat when I'm hungry. I will not feel bad about it. Feeling bad about eating what I want equals feeling bad about me.
Now don't get me wrong, I will exercise. I will use portion control. I will taste everything. I will eat slowly and I will stop eating when I'm full. I will consider low-fat options in my cooking but only if it doesn't make my food taste like garbage. I will skip dessert only cuz that's easy for me and if I do want dessert, I'll have a little. SO WHAT!
I think the most important message I received from that Goddess of the blog, Barefoot Foodie, is that I am not alone. There are literally THOUSANDS of women out there JUST LIKE ME. The women that are on our tv's and our magazine are exceptions. They do not represent the bigger, wider world of normal, everyday, hardworking women. I really believe that most of THOSE women (haha) are as consumed with food and weight as I am. Just not in the same way. And they probably aren't as happy as I am most of the time. Really, who am I to say. But I know when I was at my lowest weight, I spent more time exercising and worrying about what I put in my mouth and how many calories I'd tallied than was necessary or normal. And I enjoy my life a lot more now that I'm not doing that anymore.
What I need to do most of all is focus on the things about myself that I like. The things my children see, the things my sweethearts sees. I need to learn to "adore myself" as much as they do. I need to learn to love myself as I am, skinny or not and if I never get down to the size that Marie Claire thinks is appropriate or beautiful at least I can say I thoroughly enjoy my life, every part of it. I've got the love of a great man, great children, many many girlfriends who struggle just like me and while the skinny girls are at the gym, we'll all be sitting at my house laughing lots and eating much!

Open Letter to my Roma Tomato

2010-10-28T15:27:00.001-07:00

It started with a voice on the telephone. All the way from New Zealand. This little munchkin giggle and the sweetest "Hi daddy". Sugar dripping from every syllable. "Can I come see you daddy? When I get there will you take me to chuck-a-rama? Does papa still live in the same house? Do you still live in the same town? What does your house look like? Do you have a cat? Are you gonna get a cat?" And a million other questions blasting out of speaker phone and a daddy's smile full of love and longing for his little girl. I couldn't even conceive how much that one phone call would change my life. How much YOU would change my life.

I was so scared when you came to live with us. You wanted so many things and none of them from me. You wanted to live with your daddy. You wanted your mum to fly over from New Zealand and live with him too. You wanted your sisters, your cat and your dog to live at daddy's house but you didn't want me. There was no room on your drawing of the family for a girlfriend and her daughter. In your barely 8 year old mind I was the REASON you couldn't get what you wanted. I had to battle for your love and there were times when I thought I might give up but little by little, we became friends. I began to notice when I left one room for another you would miraculously show up in the same room. If I left the house, I got grilled. Where are you going? When are you coming back? Can I come?

We went to back to school night and your third grade teacher informed me that almost every sentence you uttered started with "Lee says..." When people came to the house, you were glued to my side, whether standing at the door or sitting on the couch. And ALWAYS that insatiable curiosity, those constant chattering questions, "Lee, why does Cleo lay like that? Lee, when is the rain gonna stop? Lee, is it OK if I beat up Colton on the bus? Lee, did you know Michael Jackson used to be black?"

It's been almost six years now. I've watched you grow from an adorable vivacious, chattering little girl into a charming, bright beautiful young woman. I've been so blessed to share these years with you. You've enriched my life in more ways than you can ever know. You taught me how to love in a way I didn't know was even possible. I think that in raising and caring for you, a child that is not my own, I love you even more because I had to EARN IT! I had to prove myself to you. No lip service. No faking. You would take nothing less from me than the real deal.

You will be leaving us tomorrow to go back to New Zealand. You will be leaving me. There are so many what ifs floating around the air. What if your mum never lets you speak to me. What if you hate it there. What if you are homesick. What if you are hurt and I can't get to you. What if you forget me. What if you doubt how much I loved and will forever love you.

Please be brave my Roma Tomato! Please remember what we have taught you. Always be kind. Always speak kind words. Keep your mind open to new people and new things. Just because someone is different or dresses strange or listens to different music, it doesn't mean they are not worth knowing. ALWAYS stand up for yourself! You are so smart and have a good head on your shoulders. I know you know right from wrong. If you know you are in the right, SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF! It's OK to please the people in your life but not at the risk of losing yourself. BE STRONG! Make your OWN decisions in life. You are old enough now to start choosing for yourself. Don't let anyone make decisions for you that you know in your heart are wrong. And most important, don't EVER EVER EVER FORGET THAT YOU ARE LOVED. And you are NEVER ALONE. You have a daddy who loves you with every fiber of his being, three big sisters and one stepsister who would cross oceans for you if you needed them.

And you have me, you will always have me. No matter what. Whatever you need, wherever and whenever, you have me. A phone call is all it will take. You are my light and my joy. You are part of me. I carry you around in my heart everywhere I go. I will think of you everyday. I will miss you everyday. I will be sending you my love over that big blue ocean every minute until you come back.

Love,

Lee

Ghost Story

2010-10-12T13:36:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a haunted house. For REAL people. A REAL honest to God HAUNTED HOUSE. Actually it was a haunted trailer. I know, weird huh? BUT TRUE. See, I've told this story many times to my friends and their friends if I'm asked to tell it and the story has been perfected in order to elicit as many chills and thrills as possible cuz honestly, what's the point in telling it if you're not gonna get the full effect. And people are thrilled and chilled and I can tell they WANT to believe it. Or maybe they don't. But here's the truth, the story is true. When I was living it, scratch that, when WE were living it, there was no thrills and chills. It was terror. Pure shivering, heart pounding, panting, sweaty terror. And I lived it.
I'm sure people wondered about me when I was little. They thought me strange or angry or quiet or whatever. They couldn't relate. Most people chalked it up to "oh, she came from a broken home." or "Her mother is single and works full time." or "Her daddy has a new family and he's never around." And that was probably part of my personality make-up and later rebellion but what they didn't know is that I was scared. ALL THE TIME. Scared. And I thought maybe I was crazy. But now I know better. You see, I think about that house quite often and I replay "the moments" in my head and I ask myself, "Did you imagine this? Did you make this up? Could what happened have another explanation?" And the answer is NO. I saw what I saw. I heard what I heard. I felt what I felt. And YEARS later all of my experiences were corroborated by my mother who heard, saw and felt the same things I did.
So, for your Happy Halloween pleasure and because I've been asked to BLOG this little tale...here you go.
From our family room you would go down a long hallway that ran the length of our house in order to get to first, my room, then my brothers room, the bathroom and then my mother's room at the end of the house. Our television sat in the family room in direct view of the hallway. Because it was a trailer home you could hear every footstep any person made as they walked through the house and you could discern by the weight and noise if it was my mom or brother.
I was sitting cross legged as close to the TV as I could get when I heard the footsteps. These steps were heavy. Like a large man and as the footsteps came down the hallway towards me, I found myself looking that direction in puzzlement as they weren't a step I recognized. I was actually panting in fear as I realized that although I could distinctly hear the footsteps coming directly toward me, there was nobody there. At the end of the hallway, a few feet from where I was sitting, they stopped. My impression was of a very large man. I don't know how I knew, I couldn't SEE him with my eyes but my mind saw that he filled the doorway. He was looking at me and again I don't know how I knew. And I say HE because I instinctively KNEW it was a HE. I was afraid, frozen to the spot. I was totally unable to look away and after about a minute I heard the footsteps receding back down the hallway. My fear evaporated and was replaced by a general unease and I moved to the couch, as far from the hallway as I could physically get.
I would hear those footsteps and feel his gaze MANY times over the next few years. I never told anybody. My brother and I called him "the invisible man." My brother refused to go down that hallway by himself and I would get frustrated with him cuz it was always me who had to escort him down the hallway to bathroom or to bed. I gave him a really hard time about it and called him a scaredy cat or whatever but the truth was, I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN THAT HALL. For anything. I remember getting spanked one night cuz I refused to escort my brother to the bathroom. I think they called me a "stubborn little shit". Of course, they didn't know I was terrified.
At night while I was sleeping I would be awoken by those footsteps coming from my mom's room to my doorway. I would pull the covers over my head and I foolishly thought that if there was no part of me outside the covers and he couldn't see me then he would go away. Under those covers was a little girl who was literally trembling in fear. I can still feel it to this day. I almost couldn't breath I was so scared. I remember thinking any minute now I would feel those covers be pulled off of me and he would be standing there. Every once in a while I would feel a small tug at my feet and I would wet the bed in terror. There was NO WAY I would get out of bed, go down that hallway in the dark and go to the bathroom. I would hold it until I was almost bursting. Somehow I would drift off to sleep and as soon as my body relaxed, I would pee the bed. That's how frightened I was. You know, my parents must have spent hundreds taking me to doctors to cure my "bed wetting" problem. All they needed to do was call an exorcist.
I don't know for sure when I stopped hearing the invisible man. Eventually I did though. I don't remember any certain event that brought it to an end for me although I suspect it was the arrival of my stepfather. One terror replaced by another and I actually forgot about it as little kids are so blessedly capable of doing. I didn't hear or feel my stalker at all from about six years old until I was fourteen. THAT day I was in the bathroom at the end of the hallway. I had the house to myself and I was curling my hair into my oh so stylish Farah fawcett, feathered bangs. The mirror faced the doorway so I could see into the hallway from where I stood by looking into the mirror.
It was an almost nostalgic feeling when I heard the footsteps. I remember thinking "Oh my gosh! I haven't heard that in AGES." I froze with my hands above my head holding the piece of hair I had been preparing to wrap around my curling iron when he stepped into the doorway. Plain as the keyboard I am typing on, the computer screen in front of my face was a tall, dark muscular man. His hair was dark and wavy, his clothes were simple, not old fashioned, not modern, just a plain short sleeve shirt and pants, his face was obscured in shadow but I very clearly saw his arms at his sides and his hands clenched very tightly into fists. His entire posture reeked of anger and hatred. I gasped, turned to face the doorway and he was gone. By gone, I mean I couldn't SEE him but he was most definitely still there. And he hated me. He wanted to hurt me. He wanted to rip me apart. I have never to this day felt so much anger and rage directed at me. I knew I had to get out of that room but in order to do that I would have to leave from the very doorway he was standing in.
I was panting heavily and sweating from fear and I had to force my feet to move toward that door. I started to pray, kind of. You know the kind of praying people do when they think they might die. "oh god, please. oh god, don't touch me. oh god, help me." I went slowly because the animosity grew the closer I got to the door. Now, you have to realize that the doorway was empty to my eyes but there was, without a doubt, someone there. HE was there. I was so sure of this that as I went out the doorway, I remember shrinking myself against the door frame, praying I wouldn't feel his touch as I squeezed past him. I almost felt suffocated in hate at that point. I literally thought I was going to die. Everything got darker. I don't know how to describe it so people will understand but it was like I had stepped into shadow from sunlight. But it was a darkness that almost had mass.
Once I got out that door, I started to scream and I started to RUN. I could almost feel his breath on me as I ran down that hall. I ran through the family room and straight out the front door. My friend Derek happened to be walking to my house and he said I came out that door like the devil was after me, completely hysterical, trembling and screaming "there's a man in the house. the invisible man, help me."
I have relived that moment so many times, I've tried to explain it away in so many ways but the facts are this. I heard him, I SAW with my eyes a man, one second there, the next gone. I felt his hatred and I KNOW he wanted to hurt me but was unable to. I felt his frustration that he couldn't hurt me and I also felt it was because I was a woman. Again, I don't know HOW I know but I KNOW.
Years later, after I became a mommy, I overheard my mother tell a story about her house being haunted. I listened in disbelief as she told her friend about a man walking down the hallway to her room every night. She said he hated her. He was evil and he wanted to hurt her. She talked about having to call people in the middle of the night because her fear was so great, she thought she would die. She told us how her father, my grandfather, would drive over from another city in the middle of the night and check under every bed and open every closet in the house because my mother had called him hysterical telling him there was an evil spirit in her house.
Then she talked about how, finally, at the end of her rope, she had told a neighbor, who in turn gave us her calico cat. She told my mom that Cally could help. My mom said that Cally would sleep at the bottom of her bed every night and when the footsteps came down the hallway Cally would wake, stand up and stare intently at my mother's bedroom door until the footsteps reached the doorway. As my mom cowered in her bed, Cally would jump to the floor, step out of the room and instantly the feeling of the man would be gone. After a few moments of Cally's nocturnal wanderings, she would return to the bed, curl up and go to sleep. My mother knew she was safe, the man was gone and she would be at peace.
I was so excited hearing this tale that I blurted out "are you talking about the invisible man?" She turned to me and said "What did you say?" "The invisible man, mom! I heard him when I was little, I saw him!" She was dumbfounded. She had had no idea that I knew. And it was such a RELIEF to me. To finally be able to tell my story and know I would be believed. At least by her.
Now that I'm older, I am able to recognize when things aren't quite what they seem. I am also aware that even if something wanted to hurt me, it cannot. I've heard things, experienced feelings of something not quite there. I have had the extraordinary experience of a loved one coming to see me a few hours before they passed from this earth. It was both exhilarating and devastating for me. I have NOT, since that one time seen a full fledged apparition. I can't honestly say I wouldn't do the same thing again and run screaming in the other direction. But part of me wants to believe that next time my curiosity will get the better of me and I will take a moment to study what I'm seeing. Maybe even try to communicate?
So...anyway, that's my story. You can believe it or not. It's not going to change the fact that it happened to me. But here's something to think about...my mother sold the house to a single mother, whose son I happened to be dating. He asked me one night if we had experienced anything unusual in that house. I told him my story. I had only told a select few my story at that point and didn't know anything about my mom. He was white as sheet by the time I got done and told me that both he and his mother had heard the footsteps and his mother experienced that same feeling of evil and dread I had described. I knew that his mom was getting married soon and told him that once his new stepfather moved in, it would stop. I don't know why I said that. I didn't even know if it was true and don't know if that ended the haunting for them. But the fact that they experienced the same thing makes you stop and think, doesn't it?
The house is still there. People are living in it. I drove by one day and saw a young women sitting on the front porch smoking a cigarette. I wanted to stop and ask but then again, if the haunting has ended why freak a young girl out, ya know? But I felt dread as I looked at the house and I wondered...does he know I'm out here? Does he recognize me? Is he watching me even now? Is he still waiting for me to come home?

Love This Girl!

2010-04-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

So...How's YOUR Day?

2010-03-23T13:21:00.000-07:00

Raves, Rants and Other Random Stuff

2010-03-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

So... Another St. Paddy's Day! Whoopy doo! The sun is out. There is not a cloud in the sky. Yesterday the temperature got up to 58 or so and while it is now only 34, I think by lunchtime it will be close to 50 or higher. Spring Fever Is Killing Me! The sky, the sun both calling my name and it's So Close! Right outside my office window, just out of reach. Ugh! Why do I have to be at work on a day like this?

But the good news is, on Friday I will be taking off early, driving to Colorado to see my Superman. I will be staying in the most lovely hotel in the most lovely little town. I will be shopping, eating, taking pictures OUTSIDE! IN THE SUN! Aaaaah! I can almost smell the air right now. I can't wait! I will have HOURS for myself to do absolutely anything I want. Heaven! And then after my skin has absorbed the sun and my lungs are filled to the top with fresh, clean, mountain Spring air, my superman will get off work and take me out to romantic dinners and back to the hotel for some much needed, much missed cuddling and loving and holding and (sigh). I can't wait! Did I say that already?

My diet is going well. I've lost 13 lbs. And that's after a girl's weekend trip to Denver where I ate and drank whatever I wanted. But it's getting harder everyday. I'm getting resentful that I have to plan EVERYTHING that I put in my mouth. I'm a convenience eater. Whatever is quick and in house. Or at the drive thru. And the only good thing about Superman working out of town is that he is not cooking any number of fabulous, delectable and calorie filled Polynesian dishes. But still, 13 lbs. is pretty good for 3.5 weeks.

I know, there are miles to go before I rest. I have to stay focused and be a good girl. I don't want to be here, in the BEST years of my life and not like what I see in the mirror. Or have health issues that are the result of my own laziness. It's ridiculous that I would have that one thing, one of the few things I have the power to change, hanging over me. So I continue the battle, probably for the rest of my life due to my damn fat gene inheritance and I will try to be positive about it. Maybe while I'm in Colorado this weekend, I'll go shopping at one of those stores that only caters to size 6 and below. That will keep me motivated right?

Speaking of the best years of my life, my 20 year class reunion is coming up. WOW! My high school years were NOT the best years of my life. NOT EVEN CLOSE. In fact, they rank up there as possibly the Worst. There are a lot of reasons for this, the least of which being that girls that age are just plain mean. Really mean. I was also being raised in a home by a stepfather who hated my guts and had a father who's only interest was in his NEW family and his NEW kids and seemed to take no notice of me whatsoever. In order to cope with the above, I searched for fulfillment through drugs and alcohol which only opened up a WHOLE NEW WORLD of problems for me. I spent my high school years getting into a lot of trouble, being judged by a lot of people and fighting everyday to keep my depression and addictions from killing me.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad. I had a small batch of friends, good friends who meant the world to me. They accepted me then, warts and all, and they accept me now. I wouldn't have made it through without them. But lately, one of those dear friends has been driving me NUTS about going to the reunion. She is REALLY making me crazy about this. And I promise you, I am sincere when I say I DO NOT WANT TO GO! I have NO desire! NONE!

"Come on!" she says. "Don't you want to see all those people? Don't you want people to see how good your life is? Show off Superman and your kids? It will be so much fun!"

But my answer is NO! I don't want to see all those people! I don't care what they think of me, good or bad, And they don't give a hoot what I think about them! It won't be so much fun. It will only bring back a ton of memories that I have spent my life moving in a very positive direction to get away from. Does this make me a bitch? Does this mean I'm bitter? I don't think so. I'm not bitter. I don't have any animosity towards anybody I went to school with. I don't really think about them or that time in my life at all. That is, unless someone smacks me upside of the head with it by doing stupid things like inviting me to reunions. I just don't want to revisit that time of my life. I certainly don't want to celebrate it. The reunion day will pass me by and leave not even a ripple of regret. Except maybe for the fact that I would be disappointing my friend who seems to think I have unresolved issues that I might be needing therapy for.

The truth is, any people I would want to run into at a reunion or anywhere else I already have in my life. My girlfriends from high school are still my friends today and I would much rather meet them for lunch one afternoon than hang out in a ballroom somewhere, eating bad catered food with a bunch of strangers. Cuz seriously, after 20 years, those people are complete strangers. So Jenny, my dear friend, I love you very much, but even enlisting the help of my Superman and my mother is not going to convince me to go to my 20 year reunion. I will not be attending. Ok. Enough said.

Now, it is lunch time, the temperature has risen to a balmy 43 degrees. The sun is beckoning and I am going to the park to listen to some music, eat my steamed broccoli from a Tupperware dish, take some pictures of ducks or dogs or kids or whatever else catches my eye and soak me up some SPRING!

Happy St. Patrick's Day Everyone!

Rewind

2010-03-13T22:02:00.000-08:00

Your mischevious grin.
Your laugh.
The sound of your voice and the way you say my name.
Your smell.
How you teased the cat when you thought no one was watching. And how we laughed when you got caught.
Your great undying love and devotion to our Peyton.
Your stories.
Your quiet dignity.
Your beautiful and heartfelt prayers.
Your strong, enduring love and pride for your family.
Your sense of humor.
Our trips to "chucka" when Gram was out of town. Just the two of us.
The way you checked on me and "cased" my apartment to make sure I was always safe.
Your faith in God.
Your acceptance of me, everything about me.

And so much more.

When times get hard. When I'm lonely. When I'm afraid. These are the things I rewind and replay. Some of the best things in this world are things YOU gave me. Even though you're gone I can still rely on you to help me through. I miss you so much. I love you heart and soul.
Happy Birthday, Gramps.

Lost

2010-03-13T21:01:00.000-08:00

What do you do when your best isn't good enough? When nothing you say or do is enough to make a things better.? I have tried to be positive and smile even when I want to scream. I try to find the funny and laugh instead of cry. I try to take care of the small stuff so my partner in life doesn't have to worry. I take care of the kids, clean the house, feed the dogs, take out the garbage, go to work everyday and hold our lives together.

When 9 o'clock rolls around and my Superman calls from his hotel I give him my undivided attention. And when he's home for a few days, I put everything on hold to take care of him and make sure that he's nourished in body and soul before he has to leave us again.

And for a year now, that's how we've gotten through and it seemed to be a way to make it through a difficult situation but somehow lately, it's not good enough.

Everyday I see a man who is struggling to keep it together. I see someone who is torn between being able to provide, knowing that right now any job is a job to be thankful for and missing his family so much.

I really don't know what to do. I can't tell him enough that a local job is fine. That we will make do with less money. That being together as a family is enough. But he's afraid. He sees his friends losing their homes to forclosure and having their cars repossessed. He sees them moving away and struggling to start over in a new place only to have them come back again, with their tails between their legs, begging to go back to work to this job, THIS JOB!, that takes them away from their families and lives. And they don't respect him. They don't treat him like a valued employee. They tell him that he'll do what they ask and without complaint because they know he can't get a job around here that even comes close to what they are paying him. And I'm here to tell you, it doesn't matter how much a person makes, if you don't feel valued, if you're always away from the very people you're doing it for, it makes for a very empty life.

He's worn out, burned out. And I am tired. Tired of putting on my happy face, my happy voice and hearing over and over again "I hate my job". I just want to scream "THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!" There are other jobs out there. So what if they're less money. SO WHAT! Doesn't he know how much we need him here? Doesn't he know he's our hero? Doesn't he understand that money is not the only thing that feeds this family? I would eat ramen noodles every night if it meant he was sitting at our dinner table.

I know the stress he is under. He wants so much for us. But it doesn't mean anything without him here and present and smiling. I might be the one keeping things running but he is the center, the support, the pillar that holds us and keeps us standing tall.

I love you my Superman. This job is not worth it. It's tearing you down. Come home. We will find another way, a better way. You cannot fail us. It's an impossibility, my love. Come home.

Things I Miss..

2010-03-02T15:24:00.001-08:00

Cheese. I miss cheese. And salt. And butter. Alfredo Sauce. Yum. Superman's Coconut Buns and Chop Suey. Prime Rib. Mashed Potatoes. BREAD!!!! Someone PLEASE let me have a piece of bread!

I have officially begun my New Year's Resolution Diet! Da da da DAHHHHHH! Or more like DUN Dun dun....

It's been one week and I've lost 7lbs. Yeah for me. But I am struggling man! STRUGGLING! Pizza! Cheesy Garlic Bread. WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! sniffle.

But SEVEN POUNDS PEOPLE! I can't give up now. I gotta do this. For me. For my kids. For my Superman who swears he loves every single fat roll and cellulite dimple.

I need strength. I need someone to sew my mouth shut and feed me through a tube in my nose. I am looking forward to a weekend trip to Denver with the girls and I will be packing my lowfat yogurt, mozarella cheese sticks. Celery, carrots and no fat ranch dressing packets (which if you haven't tried no fat ranch...um...well...I think it might be really good if you added a cup of Mayo to it....) MMMmmmm...mayo. Oh Lord help me.

HAPPY FRIDAY!

2010-01-29T08:38:00.000-08:00

Best Friend's Little Beast, Daisy May

Resolute -adjective 1. firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose

2010-01-28T14:56:00.001-08:00

New Year's Resolutions: (yes. I know it's the 28th. I've been busy.)

1. Stop procrastinating.

2. 30 minutes of Cardio EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!! (except maybe Sunday, and every other Monday. hmmm.....and maybe Wednesday too cuz by hump day, I'm exhausted.)

3. Speak to my children in a calm, rational and loving manner at all times instead of the shrill, curse word filled tirade that only makes them laugh at me behind my back. (they think I don't know this but I really #%*&ing do.)

4. Go over my budget and see how many of my NEEDS are actually WANTS and cut them from my life, such as Mississippi Mudslides from Main St. Espresso and DVR. (wait...isn't DVR a need? and Mudslides? Yup. Need. ...Crap.)

5. Um...have a budget.

6. Put 10% of my income into a new & shiny account at the bank entitled "Our Australia Fund" and don't touch any of the money unless the spending of it will directly result in us moving to a house by the beach in Brisbane.

Unless it's for camera equipment cuz what's the point in living by the beach if you can't take pics of yourself in said house to send to your friends in Utah.

In the wintertime.

While they are getting snowed on.

(oh and I really need a new washing machine. I'll need something good to wash the sand out of my underwear.)

7. Keep New Year's Resolutions.

Hiber Nation

2010-01-27T08:46:00.000-08:00

Sooooooo....been away for awhile. No. I'm not depressed. No. I haven't been any more busy than usual. No. I haven't been out of town or been thrown in jail. No. I haven't run away to a tropical island with no phones or wi fi. The truth is that it is winter on Planet Vernal and it is just damn COLD. The kinda cold that makes you want to do nothing else but run from your car to your house, jump into your bed without taking off your socks, hoodie, gloves and hat, pull the covers up to your chin, turn on the TV and not move until the next day. And only then if you have to get up and go to work. That has been my life for the past couple of months. I'm cold people! FRIGID! FREEZING! BRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

View from my front door

We have been living off of ramen noodles, canned beans and body fat as I will not venture out to the grocery store. I don't wanna go to the basketball game or the movies and I absolutely do NOT want to take my kids sledding. That would involve cold toes, cold fingers, hypothermia and my demise in a snowbank somewhere hidden in the cedars.

There have been some happenings in my world since my last post. Thanksgiving was spent with my sister's family. They came out to Planet Vernal and stayed with me. I LOVE having my nephew and nieces stay with me. Nothing energizes a household more than little ones. They make me laugh out loud and my 7 year old nephew and I hugged and cried like we would never see each other again when they left to go home.

Niece Bobbie, LT, Nephew Iaan, Stella

Niece Sami

Christmas was craziness. Superman was working right up to Christmas Eve. Our car broke down halfway into our trip to the city and we limped into Salt Lake desperate for a car shop that was open. $500 later we were able to drive to a mall where we spent the rest of our money on a few presents for the kids. Needless to say, by the time the big day arrived we were exhausted and stressed. None of it added up to buckets of Christmas cheer.

IZ, Niece Shelby and Twin Brother (isn't he cute?)

LT and her new IPOD

We arrived at Grandma's house on the morning of and I was shocked by the force of nostalgia and grief that hit me as I walked through the door and was not greeted by my Grandpa. For a moment I was overwhelmed with sadness. But excited children, hugs and greetings, soon pulled me out of my funk and I was able to enjoy the moment. That was the most peaceful time of our day. The remainder was spent driving from one end of the valley to the other trying to see everyone while we were in town.

Superman's Daddy. (Yum. Lobster)

We capped off the day by taking the kids to see Avatar. It was amazing. The perfect ending to my day and the good feelings carried over into the next until the car broke down again going home. (sigh).

IZ on the right and two of her best friends

Since then, Superman has been working off and on out-of- state and me and the girls have been hibernating. Sometimes we venture out to forage for food and fresh air but for the most part we spend our days cuddled together in my big bed, watching Bones, talking about school and boys and their latest obsessions and confessions. It's really quite nice. It has not been a choice between spending time with my girls or spending time with my blog but I have missed everyone and it's nice to be back.

Stella on the right and her friends. They aren't wearing coats but it was only 10 degrees when I took this. What these girls won't do for fashion. (eyeroll)

It's still cold here. I think we have another 8 weeks or so of single digits and below zeros but I wanted to check in, poke my head out of the cave and feel the sunshine for a moment. Now I am heading back into the dimness and the warmth and maybe, just maybe you won't see me again until spring.

My big girl, Cleo, peeking out the front window.

Here Comes the Sun

2009-11-09T15:46:00.000-08:00

Picked for me by my precious niece Sami

I've learned that no matter what happens or how hard it seems today,

life goes on

and it will be better tomorrow.

---Maya Angelou

Happy Monday Everyone!!!

Heartbroken

2009-10-22T08:32:00.001-07:00

Photo taken October 1974

My grandfather and I

I was 3 years old

My grandfather passed away October 21st 2009 due to complications from Alzheimer's Disease. The last four years have been a long and terrible journey and I am happy for him that it is over. He died peacefully surrounded by his beautiful children, staring into the face of my grandmother who has stood by his side for 65 years.

I wanted him to be released from his suffering so badly but I just can't believe that he is gone from my life and I am heartbroken. I didn't know it was going to hurt this much. I'm not quite sure how to get through it. But I am blessed to have my superman by my side and a HUGE support system in my family, co workers and friends. They have been so wonderful.
I am also thankful for the bonding my mom and I have done over the past few weeks. I feel closer to her now than I have in my life.

I really don't know what to say, my grief is too new and the pain is too much to come up with anything meaningful right now. I just know that I miss him and I love him. He was a wonderful father to me and to IZ. I was priviledged to have the relationship with him that I did. No granddaughter could have asked for better.

I love you, Grandpa. I miss you. I love you....I love you.

Perception

2009-10-06T13:24:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a trailer park. There were two entrances to the park and one round oval of a road that went through it. Because each trailer space only had one narrow driveway at the back, most everyone had to park on the road in front of their trailer. So the oval was VERY narrow. It was difficult for two cars to pass each other going in the opposite direction.

I didn't know that we lived in the trailer park because we were poor. I didn't know that people looked down on me or considered me trash. I was never ashamed of where I lived. My friends who lived in regular homes never treated me any different but now that I look back I realize that their parents very obviously did.

Because we lived in a trailer park I was treated to neighbors from ALL walks of life. There was the old couple who lived in the REALLY NICE double wide right at the entrance. They had the nicest yard with actual TREES! My brother and I called them Grandpa and Grandma but in my mind they were the king and queen of the park. Their job was to watch over the children and make sure the parents did their job.

Then there was Mrs. Davidson. She lived in a dark corner lot. She was plump and dark haired and always laughing. Every once in awhile I would be invited into her home to take a piece of candy from the carnival glass candy dish on top of her console TV. Mrs. Davidson kept her blinds closed all the time so it was always dark. But she surrounded herself with fiber optic bric a brac. I don't even know if anyone will remember but an example would be two glass swans sitting on a mirror that represented a pond and out of the center of the pond would shoot a spray of small plastic fibers, like really long toothbrush bristles. They spilled over into the shape of a fountain and light would travel down the fibers and light up at the bottom. So the end of each fiber would have these little tiny balls of light at the end. Like fairy lights. If you touched them they would sway and bounce and the lights would dance. Then all around the fairy lights she would tuck little ceramic elves and flowers and boys and girls and the effect on my seven year old eyes was truly magical.

I would pretend her first name was Althea (at that age, I thought that a very magical name) and her job was to protect the fairies and elves of the kingdom (trailer park). I would imagine that she kept them safe in her darkened living room during the day and at night she would open all her windows and doors and all those dancing lights would zip away and sing and play until morning.

At the opposite entrance to the park was another old woman. I don't know if she was married. I never saw a man coming or going but I seem to have a hazy memory of someone telling me she cared for someone who lived there. This woman had bright red hair, long down her back with one white streak that trailed all the way down her right side. She kept it in a loose braid most of the time but sometimes she let it go. When it was like that she looked fierce and wild! I LOVED it that way. I thought she might be a witch! Good or bad I didn't know. You could tell that she was beautiful once but the thing that really fascinated me about her was her BLACK eyes. All black. Like they were one big pupil.

Whenever I got the rare treat of seeing her in her front yard I would stop my bike and almost WILL her to look at me. Sometimes she would acknowledge me but it was only with a wave of her hand, never a smile. She would turn those black eyes in my direction and I would be frozen in place by her stare. Chills would run up and down my spine and my tummy would get all tickly and then she would lift her hand in my direction and I would return her wave.

What I would have given to have a conversation with her! I just knew she had LIVED amazing adventures and knew all sorts of dark and wonderful secrets. But I never got the nerve. I still dream about her. I dream of knocking on her door and when it opens, she's standing there with her hair all wild and instead of a wave she beckons me to come inside. I still get a little thrill thinking about her thirty years later.

It's funny how I tended to gravitate toward the older people in the park as their were plenty of people the same age as my parents around raising kids, getting in fights, getting arrested. As you can imagine in a trailer park there was a lot of poverty, a lot of kids with dirty skinned knees, uncombed hair and runny noses. There was a lot of loud parties, a few police raids, though not as much as there probably are now. But none of that seemed to touch me. I wasn't AWARE that not everyone got to live in a park. It was the only life I knew and it didn't seem at all bizarre to me. It seems bizarre to me now.

Most of my childhood memories are contained in the space of that tiny little park. Racing around and around that oval at what I thought were breakneck speeds on my banana seat bike, running through our tiny sprinkler that you could place in the center of our yard and the spray would almost be able to cover the entire patch of grass without having to be moved. Setting up our sleeping bags and feeling very brave and grown up sleeping under the stars, not realizing that my parents weren't worried about us because we were surrounded on all sides by either chain link or trailer houses. Our own unique playpen.

I remember playing hide and seek with a group made up of all the kids in our park, every size, every shape, every age and we could use the ENTIRE park to hide in. We would run like wild Indians, whooping and hollering, cutting through people's yards, hiding in vegetable patches and not be expected home until it got too dark to see.

Every kid's swing set was open to every kid in the neighborhood. Every mother could be run to for band aids, wiping away of tears and a swat on the butt if it was required. It was a child's idea of heaven. A place where I knew I was safe, where I knew that every person knew my name. That if my mom was at work and something happened to me or my brother, there was always somewhere to go.

I look at my kids now and how we have raised them and it makes me a little bit sad. My kids don't hop on their bikes and ride to their friends house. Because of how the world has changed it is too dangerous to let them go anywhere alone. I always drive them where they need to go. Our little tomato slept in a tent in our backyard for the first time this summer. I would never have allowed it at our old house because our yard wasn't fully fenced. And I made her older sister sleep out there with LT and her cousins just in case.

When I think about it, we live in a quiet, sleepy little town full of good people but I think because of the media and the Internet we have become more AWARE of what is out there. The fears of the world have crept into our consciousness and made us hyper vigilant and over protective.

I wish things could be the way they were then. I hope that my children will be able to tell stories about magical fairy lights and wild women with dark eyes and dark secrets but I'm afraid that maybe a lot of the magic has been taken out of childhood.

Maybe part of my responsibility to my children is to teach them magic. To point out the shady part of the forest and ask them if they see the elves peeking out from under the ferns. To ask the horses over the fence how their day was, within earshot of my children, and then laugh heartily at whatever I pretend the horses answers to be. I will stop them from stepping on the box elder bugs because one of them could be the most beloved child of the fairy king. "If you spare his life today, maybe someday the king will return the favor when you need it most."

They will roll their eyes at me and think I've gone a bit daffy but every once in awhile I will be rewarded with a giggle and a smile. That's what magic is good for. That's what I need to impress upon my children instead of the creeping fear that I'm not watching them close enough. Our children are a reflection of ourselves. Do I want their perception of the world to be frightening and paranoid or do I want them to see beauty and magic?

So I am going home now to my children. The sun is starting to set. It's twilight. I think it might be the perfect time to leash the dogs and take the dirt road at the end of our street and just see where it might lead.

Prayers Needed

2009-09-30T11:28:00.003-07:00

Asking for your thoughts and prayers for friends and family in Samoa. So far there have been two deaths associated with family that we know of and we are hoping there will be no more bad news. My heart and deepest sympathy goes out to Rick, Lavon and Alana.

We have yet to hear anything concrete as the news has been very slow to report for obvious reasons. The latest I heard was 111 dead with the toll expected to rise. There were 4 tsunami waves that hit one after the other that were 15 to 20 feet high and reached over a mile inland. Whole villages and cars were swept out to sea. This was caused by an 8.3 magnitude earthquake in the ocean south of the Samoan islands that witnesses claim shook the islands for up to 5 minutes.

All the land lines are down. There have been a few people who have been able to get out with cellular phones and Internet but for the most part it has been impossible to reach family and loved ones. We are not even sure exactly what areas were hit. We know Pago Pago was hit hard as well as Apia but that is all the news is reporting.

Please pray they are able to get aid organized quickly and rescue efforts are well underway. Please pray that the death toll stays relatively small although 111 is already too high. Please send out a special prayer that Superman's family and loved ones were able to reach safety and that the damage in their area was minimal.

UPDATE***

If you live in Utah, you can go into any Zions Bank and tell them you wish to donate to the Samoan Relief Fund and 100% of the proceeds will go to help the families in Samoa.
If you do not live in Utah, go to www.fox13now.com and they will have the donation information. Any donation, no matter how small would be appreciated.

Balancing Act

2009-09-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

Superman is 47 years old today! This past year has been a real test for us. Between the kids and the economy and moving AGAIN, things have been crazy! I've been up and down and all around and I don't know how he's held on for the ride.

I have never been in a true partnership with someone I love and it's been an eye opening experience for me. In the past, whether it was my parents, or my friends or myself, there is always one thing that seems to tip the scales towards unhappiness, divorce, affairs, whatever. Most of the time it's money, sometimes it's other things but Superman and I seem to be able to BALANCE. Just when I feel like I'm sliding toward the abyss he takes on a little bit more of me and puts things right again. He truly is my hero.

The truth is, I used to dream there was someone out there who could just LOVE me. Someone who could make light of my moods and set me straight without making me feel crazy or stupid. Someone who can make me smile through my tears. Someone who makes me feel beautiful even when I have morning breath and my mascara is smeared. I used to WISH with my whole heart that whatever guy I was with could live up to this ideal I had conjured in my head and they never could.

So I gave up. I was over thirty, my daughter was about to become a teenager and showing her independence and I decided that if that perfect man wasn't out there then I would just be alone. I would never settle. And then there he was.

And no, he's not perfect. But he's perfect for me. He BALANCES me. He lifts me when I'm dipping too low and brings me back to earth when I'm flying out of control. He really listens to what I'm saying and he tries to understand me. Just the fact that he TRIES is enough for me.

I don't know why he fell in love with me. I truly don't. I can be demanding and moody. My thoughts are always rushing ahead and usually my mouth is going right along with it but he slows me down. He calms my soul and helps me to see that there is more to life than just the World According to Me. I can't believe he's still by my side after all this time and he shows no signs that I'm wearing him down.

Baby, for your birthday I wanted to take you to Paris and show you paintings by Gauguin. I wanted to fly you to Rome and show you sculpture by Michelangelo. I wanted to hike to the top of Peruvian mountains and show you lost worlds and I wanted to watch the sun set from the beaches of Tahiti while we hold hands and sip our Pama on the rocks. I would if I could, my love. I hope that someday I can. Because the world is what you have given to me. You have opened my eyes to joy and life and love. What could I possibly give you in return?

All I have is me, my love. And you have me, all of me, heart and soul. Happy Birthday.

OOPS!

2009-09-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

I was going for strawberry blonde...

I'm thinking that maybe the blonde part didn't work cuz it sat in my bathroom cupboard for...oh, I'd say maybe...two years?

So...this is what I got. The picture doesn't do it justice. It's kinda neon. My kids and their friends think it's pretty cool. Superman loves it. I think it's that whole "other woman" fantasy that men have. Or... maybe it's the "prostitute" fantasy. Whatever, he's diggin' it.

But I'm just not sure. It's been a week and I keep thinking I'll recolor but I'm afraid I'm going to get something worse. Or I'll go bald. (sigh)

So here it is... let me know what you think. Do I deal with it or do I attempt to fix it?

In other news...

Some of you were wondering whatever happened to my baby girl's daddy trying to contact her on her myspace account. You remember, the post where I was completely FREAKING OUT! Well, I took your advice. IZ and I had a good talk about things and she also read my post and your comments, which helped out a ton and she sent her sperm donor (harsh) back a message and we waited. And waited. And waited.

Every once in awhile I would ask IZ if she heard anything and then one day she checked and his myspace account had been removed. Just like that. When I asked her how she felt about it her answer was that she didn't really care. But I think she did care. And I think it hurt her.

Me? I was relieved. But a part of me was angry. You just don't DO THAT! You don't suddenly poke your head out and say "Here I am! Look at me!" And then just as suddenly disappear. Not when it's the feelings of a young teenager at stake. I guess I didn't expect anything different. And neither did she but I think she was HOPING.

I don't know what he was thinking but what I want to believe is maybe he got scared. Maybe, just maybe, the part of him that is capable of being honorable knew that deep down he would screw it up and he didn't want to do that to her. Maybe. Or maybe he was just being a total &*%#head. Unfortunately, that's probably closer to the truth.

What I KNOW is that IZ is LOVED. DEEPLY LOVED. Not just by me but by Superman and her grandparents and her many aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. I need her to know that she is surrounded 24/7 by LOVE. And that she is beautiful and magical and talented and kind. She doesn't need her father around to know WHO SHE IS! It's reflected back at her by the people she has in her life.

As for the rest of my girls, things are great. School started a couple weeks ago and so far, so good. LT is in middle school, which means her first locker and switching classes and feeling oh-so-grownup. She is loving it. Stella got her driver's license over the summer and I am so loving being able to send her to the store or to pick up IZ and LT when they need a ride. And she started playing tennis for her school and has been on way too many road trips to count. She's having a ball.

Superman has been working out of town quite a bit lately. I really hate having him gone but he IS Working, which is more than I can say for a lot of people out here. We count our blessings no matter how they are packaged.

It is getting colder on Planet Vernal. We get thunderstorms almost everyday. Last night was a real light show and me and the girls turned out all the lights, snuggled on the couch with the dogs and just watched the storm. It was AWESOME! One of those moments that I wish I could record so I could take it out every once in a while and replay.

I really can't ask for more right now. My cup is overflowing. Well, maybe one thing. Can we rewind to last Saturday when I dyed my hair? Then things would be just about perfect.

Summer Daze

2009-09-02T15:01:00.001-07:00

Summer is almost over on Planet Vernal. It gets dark right around 7:30 and the temps at night are in the 40's and 50's. If you ask me, summer went by way too fast. These pics were taken about 10 minutes from my house at a place called Red Fleet.

Aqua girl here is actually my 10-year-old niece, Shane. We brought her and her twin sister, Reed, home with us after a trip to Las Vegas. They stayed with us for two weeks and even though one of them suffered some pretty serious bouts of homesickness the first couple of nights, I think they had a really good time.

Since it was fairly late in the day when we finished our swim, we decided it would be easiest to just BBQ some burgers at home. Reed overheard this and said to me "Are we going to cook burgers on the grill and listen to music and eat outside and sit in lawn chairs and talk about the good old days?!" When I told her that was EXACTLY what we were gonna do she said "Oh my gosh! I've wanted to do that my WHOLE LIFE!"

So just to up the ante, Superman and I pulled out the tent, let the girls outfit it with air mattresses, blankets, flashlights, stuffed animals and board games and they spent the majority of their nights giggling in the backyard under the stars. It made me want to be a kid again. (sigh).

The girls LOVED the dogs and were completely fascinated by IZ's pet rats. Yes, I said rats. Two of them. One of whom is HUGE! We're talking large kitten huge. And the other one had an ear problem and always has her head sideways. She's our sideways rat. She's much smaller and actually kinda cute...kinda. The last night the girls were here, Reed brought the small rat into the backyard and our Great Dane, Cleo came over for a sniff. Reed, not knowing any better held the rat out to Cleo thinking, I don't know, that Cleo might lick it or something. But no...faster than any of us could react Cleo had the rat in her jaws. You could have heard my shriek for miles, which caused Cleo to just as quickly release her hold on the poor little thing. I was seriously expecting a headless rat but THANK GOODNESS!!! the rat was in one piece and just fine. I almost had a heart attack.

We did lots of fun things this summer, in between Superman's grueling work schedule. Lots of BBQ's. Lots of time hanging out with our friends. A couple of road trips. One to Las Vegas where we didn't win ANY money. Oh wait, that was just like the last trip to Vegas. We DONATED! To the cause....of....hmmmm....

Anywho, I'll just share some more pics of Red Fleet since it pretty much sums up the summer for us and the kids. Enjoy!

LT, Reed and Shane on the rocks at the lake shore.

The whole family, except photographer me, Stella, Superman, LT, Shane, Bre (IZ's BFF), Reed and IZ.

Stella's graceful dive.

Beautiful Stella.

Reed's Cannonball!

Bre and IZ

Reed, Shane & LT

My Superman

Shane, Reed, LT

Superman's SPLASH!!

Hope everyone had a WONDERFUL SUMMER!

It All Started with Ricky Turpin

2009-08-31T13:56:00.001-07:00

This is Superman's third oldest daughter, who I am going to call Stella from here on out. She will hate that but I love it so she'll have to get over it! She is the oldest of our children living at home. The two girls on each side are her very best friends. As I was taking these pictures I couldn't help thinking about my own BFF's from back in the day. I have known and loved some of those girls since I was in kindergarten, 30 plus years ago. And I love them just as much today as I did back then.

I still remember Julie walking into my classroom. Ricky Turpin had punched me in the stomach over swing rights on the playground so I was the only one in from recess and in walks this girl in pink overalls, sucking on her fingers, crying. The teacher had her sit next to me on the rug while she and Julie's mom chatted. I, being shy myself, somehow got up the courage to say hello.

Julie was married at 15, a mom at 16 and divorced before she turned 18 years old. She has suffered at the hands of abusive husbands, given up twin babies for adoption and all told, given birth to SIX children. She is now a grandmother of a gorgeous bouncing baby boy and still has a 6 year old girl tugging on her apron strings at home. Who would have thought that her life would take such twisted turns and bounce over such rugged roads but through it all she has never allowed our friendship to fade away. No matter where we are living, our situations in life, good or bad, she has always managed to find me. She is brave, she is strong, she has been to hell and come out the other side and she is my friend. And I love her more than she will ever know.

Then there is Robin. Robin Hood, to be exact. Her father had a sense of humor and Robin had to learn to cope. I personally LOVED that her name was Robin Hood but then I'm not the one who had to carry it. The way she coped was by being the most sarcastic, the most FUNNY person I have ever met in my life. NOBODY else in this world has ever been able to take the absurdities that life has thrown our way and turned them into something bearable with as much ease and quick wit as she did. I learned to appreciate the fine art of dry humor and sarcasm from Robin and I will NEVER be as good at it as she is. Robin was a hard rockin', big haired, smart-ass exterior that covered a shy and sensitive heart. She graduated from high school a year early and we lost touch for almost twenty years. But when we finally spoke on the phone again this summer, it was like that twenty years never happened. She is my sister of the heart, my kindred spirit. I will NOT lose you again, Robin, EVER! You're stuck with me till the end of time.

Then Shari. The most shy girl I had ever met. Sweet, lovely but had no idea how wonderful she really was. Shari introduced me to Elvis Presley and Fabian. We had sleepovers ALL THE TIME stayed up late to watch Headbanger's Ball. She got me interested in horror movies and greek mythology. Her daddy played guitar and sang us old fifties tunes and I'm sure she thought it was "SO EMBARASSING!" but I thought it was totally cool.
Because of her own father's addictions, Shari too struggled with her own. But she is clean now, living with a great guy and sounds happier than I've ever heard her. She told me that I was her friend when no one else would be but I wouldn't know anything about that. I truly loved Shari then and I still do now. Anybody who thought themselves too good to be her friend really robbed themselves of something special. She is just as wonderful today as she was then and I hope she knows how much her friendship means to me.

Kim, shy, sweet, came from a broken home, just like me. We camped together, went boating together, built a club in a dirty old cellar in her mom's backyard. She was the girl who understood where I was coming from when I had to tell people that I had two mom's and two dad's and half sisters and that even though we didn't CRY over it, there was still this unspoken stigma attached and she GOT THAT!

Kim married her high school sweetheart and against all odds, they are still married, have a BEAUTIFUL house full of kids and one son serving a church mission. She rocks! She really does. Way to go, Kim.

Monique, pretty, stylish, had HUGE HAIR!...HUGE! What was UP with that?! Always dressed immaculate, always had every hair Aqua Net-ed into place. She taught me how to do my make-up, take pride in my appearance. Was constantly dressing me up, like her own personal makeover barbie doll. Monique decided she wanted to be my friend and basically adopted me. Her family became my family and I was treated by her and her parents like one of their own. Monique wrapped her arms around me when I felt all alone in the world. She heard my confessions and refused to judge. We dried each others tears and lifted each other up when it seemed like the people around us only wanted to push us down. And I still can't eat a smothered burrito with cheese and not think about her.

Monique met her husband fifteen years ago after I introduced them. He was the complete opposite of what I considered her type and never imagined in a million years that he would be the ONE. But she wanted him from the moment she laid eyes on him and that was the end of it. They are still married, he adopted her son from a previous relationship and raised him as his own. Together, they had two more children. She is now the proud grandmother (AMAZING!) of a baby girl and sure enough, Monique is already dressing her up in the latest fashions. I love you Neeky! Thank you for your friendship! You know I am always here if you need me.

Raeshell, I have already written about you on my blog. There is just too much to say in just one paragraph. Thank you for the wild times, thank you for the life lessons, thank you for being there when I needed you and thank you for being there now cuz I never really stopped needing you.

Jenny, we have been living with each other for 20 years. We have helped raise each other's children, stood by each other through our successes and our failures, fought and made up, knocked each other down a notch or two when it was needed and given each other the strength to keep going when we didn't think we could take anymore. I think my stepmom summed it up best when I told her that I was moving to Planet Vernal and she said "I'm so happy for you!" and I said "Happy for me and Superman?" and she said "No! I'm happy for you and Jenny!" I couldn't live without you in my life. I wouldn't know how. You are more my sister than my friend and you know we'll still be confessing and fighting and nagging our husbands and driving our children bonkers together when we're eighty years old.

As for my Stella, my IZ, my Little Tomato and all of your beautiful friends, all I can say is, HANG ON! It's gonna be a bumpy ride! But as long as you've got each other, you can weather any storm. The friendships you forge at this time in your life will transcend time, men, children, loss, marriage, divorce, miles. It's a beautiful thing. A miracle really. There will never be a person in your entire life who will accept you, THE ENTIRE YOU, as much as your best women friends. Don't ever take it for granted. It's strong and it's mystical, held together by tears and laughter, shared experience and lots and lots of estrogen.

Legacy

2009-07-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

"IN or OUT! IN or OUT!" That's what I remember hearing from my grandfather the most when I was little. Me, my brother and my cousins running in and out of the back door as we played games like hide and seek or cops and robbers. I found him to be imposing to say the least. Instead of being delighted by his giggling, squealing, precocious grandchildren, he was irritated by the sound of the screen door slamming and the feel of the hot air whooshing into his air conditioned comfort. He would sit right by the back door so there was no getting past him quietly if we needed a drink or had to go to the bathroom. We would open that screen door as gently as we could, thinking to slink past quiet as little mice but inevitably we would hear the crinkle of the newspaper he was reading and his hard and menacing voice say the words "IN or OUT!"

In his world, children were rarely seen and NEVER heard. My mother said that when she was growing up, if you answered with "what?" when he called your name, you were guaranteed a swat. You didn't say "what?", you just came and waited to hear whatever it was he needed from you.

Of course, he wasn't as bad as I imagined him to be. He was a born storyteller and I learned very early that the best way to get attention from him was to ask him about his grandma's life in the "olden days" or his time spent in the South Pacific during the war. I must have heard his stories a hundred times but I never grew tired of them. It was thrilling to have him pull me into his lap and begin to tell me about growing up in the Uintah Basin. About my tough as nails great great grandmother who raised him. Of the farm and his love of cars. Of meeting his father's family for the first time and how he was born in the bedroom of his family home in Duchesne, Utah. I never wanted those moments to end.

The truth is, I was in awe of my grandfather. To me, he was larger than life. There was nobody smarter, nobody tougher. Nobody had more life experience than he did. He was John Wayne in suitcoat and tie.

Years later, it was close to time for me to deliver my baby girl. I was living in an unfinished apartment, basically homeless, that had no running water of any kind. No carpet, just a wooden sub floor and it was built above a towing company and repo yard. I didn't know how I was going to take care of a baby in that place but I was determined to do it somehow.

My grandmother showed up one day and insisted that I come and stay with her. She would fix up the spare room for me and the baby and everything would be alright. Although I was grateful, I dreaded the thoughts of having a baby in the same house as my grandfather. What would he think of midnight crying and poopie diapers? If the screen door slamming bothered him, how in the world would he react to a screaming, caulicky infant?

But being a great grandfather suited him to a tee. I was constantly amazed by the gentleness in his tone and in his touch. If it concerned his granddaughter in any way, he wanted in on it. He would come home from work and make a beeline to whatever room she was in and coo and smile and laugh and hold and cuddle and love. He would dance with her in the living room and sing songs to her as they rocked in his big reclining chair. He would set her in her bouncy chair next to him on the grass and he would read her storybooks while they soaked in the sun. They even took their afternoon naps together. Where I tip-toed and spoke in whispers around my grandfather, IZ ran and screamed, twirled and sang, climbed all over him like a monkey and he couldn't get enough of it. He clapped and cheered at her smallest accomplishments and stuck up for her when I scolded her over some small transgression.

Eventually, IZ and I moved out of the house but my grandparents found an apartment that was two houses away from them. IZ was expected every morning for breakfast. She would slide the barstool over to the kitchen table next to her grandpa and they would eat cereal together and watch Looney Tunes on tv. He would listen while she babbled nonsense and act like everything she had to say was the most interesting thing he had ever heard. "Oh yeah?...You don't say..." They were each other's very best friend.

Grandpa brought IZ home a teddy bear after a business trip. It was a brown, homely little thing with a big red bow. At the time, she had a rather large duck named Sunny and the two were inseparable. They ate together, slept together, played dress up together...but when gramps gave IZ that bear, she had eyes for no other. That bear has been puked on, ripped, run over, sewed back together and gone through the washing machine too many times to count. It has only gotten uglier over the years but my 16 year old daughter still sleeps with him every night...because her grandpa, the most important man in her life, gave it to her.

My grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimers a few months ago. It has been agony to watch him struggle to place faces to names, to try to recall how he knows you or even if he knows you. To hear him repeat the same question over and over again and eventually not even be able to form a question. To see the frustration and fear on his face when you can't understand what it is he's trying to say. His struggles and those of my beautiful grandma are breaking my heart.
I am grateful that when he sees me he puts me together with living in the Uintah Basin. All of the stories he told me growing up originated in this place and for a long time after he didn't recognize most people, all I would have to do was tell him where I lived and his face would light up and understanding would dawn and for a little while he would know me again.

And then there is my IZ. My grandmother keeps pictures of all the kids and grandkids on the refrigerator. Several times a day, my grandfather stops and studies them, pointing..."I know them. That's so and so." Over time, he has come to forget most of the faces in those pictures but even now, when things have gotten so bad that some days he doesn't even know his own wife, he still points to my IZ and says "I know her."

And GOD, I miss him. I miss him so much. What I wouldn't give to hear the words "IN or OUT." What I wouldn't pay to hear him laugh again. To hear him say my name. To get just one more hug. And how do I help IZ through this terrible thing that is causing our family so much pain? I mean, cancer, diabetes, heart disease, all of these horrible things that bring such fear but Alzheimers? I wouldn't wish such a death on my worst enemy. It's like he is dead but his body still walks around. His spirit is stuck in a prison and his heartbeat is counting down his sentence.

So I try to think about the time I did get with my grandpa. Not as much as I wanted but probably more than most. How grateful I am that we got to share raising my beautiful girl. How blessed that we experienced her together. I learned so much about him and from him. Where before I was in awe of and a little bit afraid of him, now I idolize him. He is truly one of the greatest of men. He showed me love in the only way he knew how. By loving my IZ. And how lucky is she that my baby girl knew him so well and was loved by him so much. She got to see his tender side, his silly side, his mischevious and boyish side. I couldn't have picked a better father figure for a little girl whose real father had abandoned her. God knew that these two needed each other and God knew how much I needed him too.

He has almost disappeared from our life, this giant of a man I love so much. I am praying for him to be free of this dread disease. I want him to be in a place where he no longer struggles to communicate, where he is no longer afraid. I want him to be reunited with loved ones he has been separated from for so long. And I want the comfort of knowing that he no longer suffers and that he is watching over us, just waiting for the time when we will get to be with him again.

He will never really be gone. Not to me and certainly not to IZ. He has become so much a part of who she is and who she is going to be. I want her to recognize that part of herself. I want her to carry it with her always and treasure her memories of him as something precious. I want thoughts of him to bring her joy and not sadness.

As for me, he has given me unending joy, deep spiritual knowledge, laughter, a love of history and all things past and present. An appreciation for slowing down and enjoying the things that really matter before life passes you by and all is lost.

Because of him, I will appreciate my children more, yell at them less. I will take the time to pass on my stories and life lessons. I will cherish my future grandchildren and give them lots of hugs so they never forget what I smell like and the feel of my arms around them. I will laugh with them often so they will still hear me after I am gone. I will instill in them a need to experience the world, figure out life's mysteries and keep up a strong relationship with God. He has left me a truly wonderful legacy. I promise Grandpa, I will pass it on.

Mantra

2009-07-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

Yes! I'm still here and going strong. Lots of things have been happening in my small world. BIG things! It's getting harder for me to contain and deal with everything life seems to be throwing my way. My depression comes and goes. High highs and low lows. I'm not sure if one can develop bipolar disorder at 37 years old but that's what I feel like sometimes, like I might be a little crazy.

On a high note, we got moved in to our new home and I am liking it more and more. My boss gave the entire shop crew a day off paid to bring their trucks, trailers and muscle to my house to help Superman and I move. It was great! I was humbled that he would do that for me and so grateful.

I have been getting things put away, walls painted, the yard cleaned up and ready for spring planting (I can't even tell you how nice it is to have a yard again) and am feeling quite peaceful about our decision to move. I was looking forward to Mother's Day in my new house. All I wanted was a trip to the nursery to buy flowers and to not have to do any dishes all day. I got both of these things and it was heavenly.

Just coming down from the Mother's Day high when I received the call that sent me spiraling back down to the bottom again. My Aunt Heidi, beautiful, sweet, always says "I Love You" with her trademark kiss on the cheek/hug. Always wanting to know that "everything is going good? everything is fine? Oh Lee, I'm just so happy for you, IZ is growing and is just so beautiful..." My aunt whom everyone loves is dead. Suicide. SUICIDE!!! How can that be? I don't understand it. I have been dealing with a roller coaster of emotion but overall I am just so so angry. How could she do it? I don't know. I don't understand. I never will understand.

I missed the funeral. It was many hours drive away. We were literally living out of boxes and had no money for gas, food, etc. So I missed it. I was told that the line at the viewing was out the door and around the block. Now guilt has been added to my anger at this whole bloody mess.

My father and brother called after the funeral to tell me that it was OK that I wasn't there. That they understood and they knew I was feeling bad and not to. Then they put my stepmother on the phone and for 30 minutes I listened to screaming, crying and lots of "Where were you? Out of all my kids I needed you there the most!" and I was HORRIFIED and wracked with guilt and could only repeat over and over again that I was sorry, SO SORRY!

Now I know that if I had been there, my presence would have hardly made a ripple but since I wasn't there, suddenly I was "the child needed there the most". I am a terrible person. A terrible daughter. I don't even know, at this point, what to do to make things better. I just don't even know. It's been over a month and I still don't know.

My kids are out of town right now. Two have gone to Las Vegas to stay with their aunties for 3 weeks and one has gone to my old home town to stay with friends and visit family. They are having a great time and I am really enjoying the break but miss them already. This has also given me time to get back into some healthy eating habits. It's a lot easier to eat healthy when I'm cooking for just me instead of 5 or 6. And my treadmill is actually getting a workout cuz I can come home from work and not have to pick up kids, go grocery shopping and make dinner every single day.

Superman and I have spent the down time working on the yard. It's looking nice and I like to just sit out there and look at the flowers. I know that sounds weird but I enjoy them a lot more knowing that I'm the one that put them in the ground and is helping them grow. I've never really been able to do that before and it makes me happy.

And I am so thankful...thankful for my wonderful children, my perfect (most of the time) Superman, my lovely little home with a beautiful yard. My flowers, my pets, the gorgeous weather and the fact that I have a good job and Superman is working right now when so many others are not.

I have also been speaking to a lot of old friends that I haven't talked to in a long time. Thanks to a certain social networking site, which is so not me and started out as a lark, I have found my old friends from grade school. They have reminded me of so many good things that I had forgotten about. How I could forget some of those wonderful memories is beyond me. But I have also found that I have meant more to these fabulous women than I ever knew. I didn't know that my friendship meant so much to them. I knew what they meant to me but I didn't know that I had impacted their lives like I did. It's been gratifying and I'm feeling so much more significant than I did before. I want to thank them for that. It just goes to show that we can influence, inspire, lift up, guide, give support and show love even when we don't know what we're doing. I just blundered through my childhood yet I made a difference in their lives. Thank you , my beautiful friends for helping me to see that. I love you all so much.

I know this is not a stellar post. I have so much to write about. It's all stored up in my head but it's been so long since I've posted I just wanted to let everyone know what's been going on in my world. I'm trying really hard to focus on the things that really matter.

My Superman and I were having a discussion about keeping things in perspective and counting our blessings and then he told me something I did not know. Every day when he's on his way to work he repeats to himself what he calls his Mantra. "I love my wife. I love my life. I love my health. I love my wealth. I love my children." No, it's not poetry but isn't that beautiful? That's his reminder of why he works so hard and what it's really all about.

I love my Superman.

I love my children.

I love my health.

I love my wealth.

I love my life.

Come on Va'lea! SMILE for Mommy...

2009-05-27T11:03:00.001-07:00

AWWWW! That's a good boy!

Shredded

2009-05-22T08:21:00.001-07:00

First of all....YES!!! We got the cute little split level. YES!!! I love it! YES!!! I am going to get some paint and a door and some wood and nails because we actually had to turn the downstairs living room into the master bedroom because our furniture wouldn't fit in the ACTUAL bedroom. But it's gonna be great cuz now I have a HUGE bedroom (with no door...yet). I now have my own master bath which was one of the things I was really gonna miss in my old house. Let's forget that the walls are currently Dark Emerald Green and that two people cannot fit in the bathroom at the same time. Let's not worry about the fact that EVERY AVAILABLE cupboard and drawer in my kitchen is stuffed to the brim and I still have 4 FULL boxes of kitchen stuff that has yet to be put away.

I am going to focus on the FABULOUS color of red I picked to paint the front door, my dogs running deliriously around the yard cuz it's the first time in MONTHS they've been able to run without being on a leash and my superman's over sized garage with shelves and a wood burning stove that he is going to turn into his "man room" so that I can have my very own scrap booking (yeah right) room in the basement.

And life is bright and sunny again. The move was fairly smooth and the bills are going to get paid and we are great...and then...WHAM! The hits just keep on coming...

I met IZ's father (let's call him Sperm Donor...no?...ok then S.D.) when I was 19. He was 29. I was living in Arizona and my friend that I had moved out there with had just left to go back to her husband. I was alone and didn't know anybody. I really just wanted to go home but didn't have a home to go home to as my mom and step dad had just separated and she was living in my grandmother's basement. I met this guy who was charming and funny and LOUD and liked to party. And he was older, which I thought meant he was wiser and he wanted to love me and take care of me or maybe he just wanted to have sex with me and I was too naive to GET THAT!

We moved in together really quick. I wanted to get married. I wanted to play house. I had extremely romantic notions of what marriage was about. And you know, the truth is, I figured I had nothing to loose. I thought that if things didn't work out with SD that there would be other guys just waiting. I hadn't been without a boyfriend EVER at that point. I didn't know what love was, what it really felt like and the passion and excitement, the flattery and kisses, the presents and promises of those first few months were what I really craved. When all that stuff was over with and reality sunk in, I was bored and done and moving on. But I was 19! And I really thought that's what love WAS! and that when REAL love came along that initial PASSION and FIRE would never go away.

Things were never really good between SD and I. He wanted control. He wanted me under his thumb and afraid all the time. He put me down, called me names, told me I was stupid and I believed him and allowed him that control for a little while but I have never been the kind of person who can handle being told what to do. ASK me to do something and I will bend over backwards but TELL me to do it and you can kiss my ass.

So it wasn't a good fit. We were never partners, never equal and I WAS afraid. Just about the time I decided to pack my bags and sneak away in the middle of the night he started to take my keys away so I couldn't leave the house, told the few friends I had to STAY AWAY from me behind my back and made me believe that nobody loved me but him.

By the time we returned to Utah I was pregnant. When I told him...he dumped me...but with conditions. See, he still wanted that control. What he told me was that I BELONGED to him. I would NEVER be ALLOWED to marry anyone else, I would NEVER be ALLOWED to have any other children. I was HIS. FOREVER.

Talk about shatter my world, SHRED my dreams and spit on what is left of me. I didn't have him, not his support, not his money, certainly not his love but I couldn't have anything else either. I felt like I had been stripped of everything that was me. The mind games and threats were almost more than I could bare. I was in TOTAL SHOCK that there were men in this world who could treat somebody SO BAD. I just didn't know. I mean, I knew relationships went south all the time but I had never had my heart SHREDDED like that.

Thankfully, he had to leave the state because he got into trouble with the law. IZ was four months old. He came to my grandparents house where I was staying and cried over his sorry life and said goodbye. He didn't hold our daughter, he didn't even seem to see her and then he was gone.

I wish I could say I never heard from him again but it wasn't that simple. He called me MANY times over the years, mostly just to threaten or yell or blame me for his problems. He only paid child support when ORS caught up to him and that was after phone calls and yelling. He stated often that he wanted to SEE his daughter! That I was keeping him from seeing her. That my family was CRAZY! That I was being controlled by them! But the facts are THIS, I lived in the same place for 13 years. My phone number was the same, my address was the same and my job was the same. He always knew where to find me, where to call me and at any time could have showed up on my doorstep to SEE his child. HE NEVER DID. EVER. Not in 16 years. It has been at least three years since his last phone call to me and that was when his mother passed away. It was 5 minutes of ranting, raving lunacy. Scared me to death and my only thought was, wow, he hasn't changed one bit. He's exactly the same as he was when we were together. Time has not made him wiser or gentler. He has not seen the light or the errors of his ways and I am so thankful that my IZ didn't have to be subjected to the dis function.

Then...last night...the phone call went something like this..."MOM, guess who found me on myspace...?" My heart dropped into my stomach. I became physically ill. I heard the motor of that shredder starting up and I became very afraid. Only this time I'm not afraid for me. I'm afraid for her. My baby girls heart is innocent and unscarred.

I know she is curious about him. I know she has built up in her mind a mythical figure, a fantasy of what she hopes her father will be. I know she wants to see for herself that she has his eyes, his forehead, his smile. She probably has dreams of flying across the country and the two of them walking the beach hand in hand, discussing all of life's adventures and mysteries but maybe I've done her a disservice. Maybe I've protected her too much. Like me, she doesn't know who cruel men can be.

I'm writing this in a haze. I've had no sleep and the sleep I did get last night was full of nightmares and anxiety. I don't know what to do. I feel helpless and adrift. I want my baby to be happy. That's all I want. I can't stand the thought of her disappointment if he doesn't come through with the promises that I KNOW he's going to make.

Is this my own broken heart talking? Am I really not over this after 16 years? Or are my fears real? Someone, anyone...if you have any advice for me...I need it. Please give me some guidance here. It took me YEARS to glue back together the pieces of my shredded heart, my shredded life. I need to protect my IZ but I also know she deserves to know who she is, where she comes from. Someone please tell me how to protect her and let her go at the same time.

Lullabies? We don't need no stinkin' lullabies!

2009-05-09T13:48:00.000-07:00

This is my mom at 16 years old. Only a few weeks before she got pregnant with my twin brother and I. My dad was her childhood sweetheart. They grew up on opposite corners of the same block. My stepmom once told me that my father only loved two women in his whole life and my mom was his first true love. When they were kids, my dad accidentally hit her in the face with a basketball (I'm sure he was showing off) and her jaw still pops to this day. Not a good omen but they did eventually get married. It was a "shotgun" wedding in my grandparents living room. My mom wore a white mini dress and white platform sandals. I loved that dress and her in it.

My parents moved into a single wide trailer in a trailer park and my dad went to work in the local steel plant where he still works to this day. They were broke. They were scared. 17 and 18 year old parents of twin babies. It would have been a miracle if their marriage had lasted.

In those days there was no child welfare, no WIC for single mothers. My mom had to juggle twin toddlers, a full time job, a home and dating and she had to do it all by herself. Now I'm not going to pretend that it was easy. I remember getting into a freezing car with no heater before the sun came up so she could drop us at the babysitters before work. I remember not getting picked up sometimes until after dark. I remember my mom crying from exhaustion and being home alone with my brother sometimes cuz my mom had to do what she had to do. Yes, it was scary and it was difficult but I didn't really know any different. You know, I didn't even know what "Divorce" was until I was like 10 years old and then I didn't even associate it with myself. Cuz I didn't really know what it was like to live in a home with two parents. I just thought that's the way things were.

My mom was goofy and a free spirit. I remember she would sit cross-legged on the couch with a towel on her lap. She would brush her long dark hair down over her face and then she would part it and roll it up into hot rollers. When she took out those rollers her curls would fall down to her shoulders and BOUNCE! I always thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

She would play hide & seek with us in the dark. She was an excellent hider. She would wait in her hiding place until we were almost frantic and then she would reveal herself and we would squeal with a mixture of delight and relief as she pulled us into her arms for big big hugs.

We didn't get lullabies, my mom pulled out her guitar and sang "Ghost Riders in the Sky." and "Rawhide". When the power would go out she would light an old candle in a tin and we would sit around the kitchen table and tell stories into the night.

I don't remember wanting for anything though I'm sure we did and knowing how much my brother and I liked to read she would spend money that I know she didn't have on STACKS of books so we never ran out of new reading material.

I have so many good memories of my mom but looking back I think the happiest time from my childhood was when it was just us. It must have been the hardest time for her but before my stepdad came, we were the focus of her ENTIRE WORLD, her whole motivation to succeed. She did WHATEVER it took to get us through.

My mom is tough, strong but beautiful and always smiling. She can sing like an angel and scream like the devil. She's goofy and has a wicked sense of humor and she loves to be different. She stands out from the crowd. She taught me my work ethic and how to keep going in the face of the worst life has to offer. And together, we have made it through.

I know she carries around her mommy guilt for having to work so much, for not knowing how bad things were with the "Stepdad from hell" or not knowing what to do about it if she did. And we had a lot of mommy-daughter knock downs but that was from pure fear and frustration cuz she just didn't know what to do with her out of control, rebellious daughter. But as far as mom's go? I think think she's perfect.

She reminds me through her example to always be myself. She makes me laugh hysterically and she gives me strength when I start to cave under my everyday pressures. She's a FANTASTIC grandma. But most important, through good times and bad, my mom has LOVED me and I have never doubted that love. NEVER.

Mommy, on this Mother's Day I just want to say THANK YOU! It's not enough, this little blog, but I can never repay you for the life you have given me and the things you have taught and instilled in me but I want you to know how proud I am that you are MINE and that I love you.

"The sacrifice which causes sorrow is no sacrifice. Real sacrifice lightens the mind and gives him a sense of real peace and joy." - Mahatma Gandhi

2009-05-05T15:53:00.000-07:00

Superman and I live in a beautiful home. Sometimes I walk in the front door and look around and can't believe how lucky I am. I know that sounds materialistic but I was a single mom for 12 years. I watched all of my friends get married, have babies and build their dream homes. And no, I wasn't jealous. I can honestly say that I am happy for them. I knew that one day the RIGHT guy would come into my life and all good things would happen for me.

But lately, with the bad economy and hearing on the news about lay offs to come and oil prices falling and recessions and depressions, I've been really worried. On Planet Vernal companies are folding, people are losing their jobs and in my neighborhood alone, I have watched four families move out of their dream homes because their income has dried up.

So far, SM and I have been lucky, we are making ends meet but we honestly don't know from one week to the next how long he will have a job. And it's not like we can just pull up stakes and move to a new job in a new city cuz things are rough ALL OVER.

Last fall, Superman's father underwent a major heart bypass surgery. We almost lost him. SM's brother also underwent the same procedure a couple years ago and he is still a young guy. Superman is almost 47 years old. He doesn't eat healthy and he works in a very physical, high stress job. Add to that the stress of providing for me and the kids and the man is a walking time bomb. I am not so naive as to think it can't happen to us.

This has been weighing heavily on my mind over the last few months. I worry for my love's health and his peace of mind. I'm coming to the realization that having the nice home and driving the nice car does not bring security. I don't feel any safer. I don't worry about money any less. In fact, I think this house is nothing but a constant reminder to my super hero that his job is never done.

I've decided that it all comes down to sacrifice. Sacrificing the material in exchange for the spiritual. Giving up my home that when we moved in I thought was perfect for our family. Even though it makes me sad, at the same time I can't help but think what a relief it will be to unload that sucker and have a rent payment that is half of what we are currently paying.

Having come to a decision, Superman and I have been scouring the newspapers, checking online and making phone calls. I can't believe the rent people are charging for sub par housing these days. It seems like everybody is trying to make a buck. But I am ready to do this. Honestly, I can't wait. We have put in some applications on some rentals and, fingers crossed, there is a certain one that, yes, it's older, a little smelly and has really bad carpets. But it has a beautiful fenced yard, a lovely field at the back, a perfect spot for a garden and it's in a quiet safe neighborhood. I am PRAYING we get it. It's small and humble and wonderful.

I see good things on our horizon. I see us able to shirk off our material possessions and enjoy life more. I see a smile on Superman's face when he comes home from work instead of worry and fatigue. I see him healthy and stress free. I see us paying off debt and putting money aside for our little slice of heaven in Brisbane. I think it's a worthy goal. I think its worth any sacrifice.

I would so much appreciate your prayers and good wishes that we get this little rental house. We'll have a BBQ to celebrate and you're all invited! We'll burn candles and maybe the carpets to get the smell out (ha ha) and hopefully you'll see a new me, a new us. Someone who is looking forward to all the good things the future has in store for us. And I know that when it's all said and done, it won't feel so much like a sacrifice but more like a blessing. A sense of real peace and joy. In this world, what more could I ask for?

Update!!!

2009-04-29T08:05:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody! Um...about my post yesterday...i was feeling a little bit...um...fragile. I didn't mean to alarm anyone (Mom, Stephanie). I had just found myself in a very bad place emotionally that I haven't been to in a long long time. I didn't handle it well. I'm a little embarrassed. My first thought was to delete the post but that's just not cool to throw a piece of myself out there to you all and then just snatch it back.

So it's Wednesday morning and I must say, I'm feeling a whole lot better. Ahem...anyone else wanna take a ride on this crazy train? Or maybe a roller coaster would be a better description for the last 24 hours of my life.

My superman showed up at home last night. He wasn't supposed to be home until the end of the week. I was in my closet hanging up some things and turned around to find a big dark man standing in my bathroom. I'm surprised the neighbors didn't call 911 cuz I screamed really loud. When it finally registered that it was Superman standing there, covered in dirt and smelling like diesel fuel, grinning like a mad man, I ran into his arms and then burst into tears.

It's the first time I've laughed out loud in days. It felt good and I saw this little ray of sunshine peek out from behind the clouds that have been circling in my atmosphere.

I never thought I was the type of person who's world could revolve around a man. I was single for a long long time and even though I WANTED a significant other, I didn't really NEED a significant other. So it's amazing to me how content I am when Superman is home. And I am disappointed in myself that I can fall apart so quickly when he is gone.

Anywho, I am still here. I know this is depression that I'm feeling and I know that this goes beyond the realm of what is normal sadness but today is better than yesterday. I am still extremely fragile. My cracks are showing and a part of me knows that it wouldn't take much to break me. But I have my Superman. I have my wonderful kids. I have my family and my friends (who by the way made it perfectly clear to me yesterday that I will never have to go through this life alone). And I've decided that I'm not quite ready to see a doctor yet but I'm gonna change my eating habits and start a good exercise regimen beginning today. I'm going to talk about my feelings more and not bottle them up inside. I'm going to make a list of the things in my life that I am thankful for and post it above my treadmill so I can look at it everyday and I'm going to get better.

I'll take my ray of sunshine today and maybe tomorrow it will be fair to partly cloudy. Hopefully soon, I'll be myself again. But I just wanted to take a moment to thank you, you know who you are, for being there for me when I need you. To point out to me the things that are important or just allow me to cry on your shoulder. I am truly thankful and I am truly blessed.

Black Tuesday

2009-04-28T13:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know what happened...I've been doing fine. Keeping the house clean and the dogs fed. Picking up the kids from tennis and baseball. Getting my ass out of bed everyday and going to work. Climbing into bed at night, without my Superman's body tangled up with mine.

I am supposed to be the strong one. I'm supposed to be the one that keeps it all together until he comes home. But I am falling apart.

3 weeks is not that long, he's coming home on Friday? maybe? But I'm not sleeping. 2 am, 3 am, 4 am...until my alarm goes off at 6 and I toss and turn and worry. What am I so worried about? I don't know. He still calls me everyday. Sends me text messages. Tells me how much he loves me. But I can hear the tension in his voice, the stress of the last few weeks, building. He's testy and impatient. He's tired and he doesn't feel well. He hates that the only work they have for him right now is out of state and because we gotta pay the bills, and there are no other jobs out there right now, he doesn't have a choice.

And dang, I've got it made...I've got my own bed, my own shower, my kids around me. I get my clothes out of a closet, not a suitcase and I have a washer and a dryer right down the hall anytime I need it. What do I have to bitch about? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I feel like this is my fault. Maybe if we didn't live in this house or I didn't drive this car. Maybe I spend too much on groceries or I shouldn't have brought home another dog to feed. I feel like he's doing all of this for me, cuz he feels like he has to. But he doesn't. I would live in a camp trailer as long as I had him by my side. As long as he was happy and not stressed and didn't have to work so damn hard.

So here I am on this perfectly normal Tuesday, sitting at my desk, trying not to completely lose my mind. The worst part is, the cracks are starting to show. How can a normal, sane person go from well...normal and sane...to a basket case in 12 hours? I don't know what to do? I feel sick in my body and my soul. I hate the way I look and the weight I've gained. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry. I haven't felt such despair since...I can't even remember when and it feels like it's not going away anytime soon. How am I going to hide this from my superman? How the hell am I going to put on my smile and hug and kiss him when he gets home? How am I going to go home today and pretend in front of my kids that life is roses? This isn't as easy as saying "SNAP OUT OF IT!" Believe me, I've tried.

It's gotta be some kind of chemical imbalance right? I mean...mood=despair is not a normal emotion. Mood=sad? Yes. Mood=Tired? Yes. Normal. But mood=want to curl up in a ball and cry till it hurts...I don't think that's normal.

I'm asking for your help. Who am I asking? Whoever! Whoever knows? Understands? What do I do? See a doctor? Run a 5k? Go out and get sloppy drunk? How do I pull myself out of this? It hurts. I need to see the sun again. Cuz it's getting blacker and I'm afraid of the dark.

Golden

2009-04-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in a very small town where nothing exciting ever happens, there lived two golden-haired, laughing girls, RS and PG. RS lived with an alcoholic stepfather who had a violent temper and when he was drinking would take out his anger on his wife and children. PG lived with an absent mother and a stepfather who only acknowledged her existence when he wanted to make fun of her or tear her down. Despite their less than ideal upbringing, both girls were fun-loving, had many friends and a strong belief that they were destined for something better.

Then one day the two girls met and somehow they knew that they had found in each other kindred spirits who understood each others hopes, dreams, worries and fears. They lifted each other up and supported one another through all their trials and triumphs.

The girls had many grand adventures. Being from a small town they often had to make their own fun. Most people thought them quite wild and shook their heads in dismay at their antics. But the people who really knew and loved them knew that the girls only wanted to have a good time, that they never wanted to harm anybody and were only trying to make a little magic to lighten up their dreary worlds.

RS and PG were fearless. Standing at each others side they could face down any foe, talk themselves out of any sticky situation and bring most any handsome boy they set their sights on to his knees. Together, they were invincible...or so they thought.

Their world was turned upside down when RS found out she was going to have a baby. She seemed to understand the gravity of the situation but PG was thinking everything would work out. They would still see each other everyday, hang out all the time and once the baby arrived, things could go back to the way they were before. Of course things couldn't and didn't work out that way.

RS left school to face her realities and PG, left alone without her dearest friend began to founder. Unable to cope with her loneliness she turned to harder friends, harder drugs, left her boyfriend, who was a good boy and treated her well, moved out of state and got involved with an older man who promised to take care of her but wasn't very nice to her. When she too ended up pregnant, she left her abusive relationship and returned home without a clue what to do.

Running to RS for guidance, she was disillusioned and afraid to find her friend had no answers. She was struggling too, just trying to raise her baby girl and survive from day to day.

PG decided that she was being punished for her mistakes. That somehow, the way she had chosen to live her life was to blame for the reality she now had to face. She thought that in order to be a good mom she would have to give up her old life, clean up her act and thinking this was the only way to take control of the situation she started to act a bit "holier than thou". She began to alienate her friends and without even realizing what she'd done, she pushed RS out of her life.

But she never stopped thinking about her friend. She often wondered if RS was ok, if she was happy, if she'd found true love but after awhile, her memories became too painful so PG tucked her friend away in her heart with a hope and a quiet prayer that one day she would find RS again.

16 years later, PG finds herself on Planet Vernal with the love of her life by her side, a houseful of beautiful, energetic, vivacious and moody girls, working full time, mothering full time and in a place where she's finally found peace with herself and made her dreams a reality. Her co-worker and lovely friend Dee sends her an invitation to join Facebook and even though that is so not PG's style, she signs up and finds that many of her friends and family are already there. Before she knows it she's hooked up with all of her family in Australia, her children, nieces and nephews and it suddenly dawns on her that maybe, just maybe this is where she will find her long lost friend.

With beating heart and clammy hands, PG types in her friends name and hits enter. How was she to know that only a few days earlier, with the help of her children, RS had set up her own Facebook page. Still, after 16 years, this connection of the heart had led them back to each other again. PG clicked on every icon and tab from RS's page, hungry for any and all info on her beautiful friend. She was delighted to see a picture of RS's baby girl, 18 years old, grown and gorgeous standing next to yet another teenage daughter who is the spitting image of her mom. PG thrilled to see RS, looking not a day older, holding her youngest, darling boy who, though suffering from cerebral palsy, had his mom's contagious smile and her same blue eyes that shined with light and joy...

My friend RS and I were reunited that evening over the phone. A four hour conversation was not long enough to say all there was to say. We found ourselves still able to share our hopes, dreams, worries and fears. RS is still the same warm, fun, laughing and caring girl I remember from so long ago and I was not surprised to find my friend has become strong and courageous, spiritual and wise.

RS, I stand all amazed. You are truly brave and remarkable. Thank God that we have both made it to a place where we have learned to count our blessings, be thankful for our trials and have found happiness, true love and joy. I am so happy that we have found each other again. Thrilled to see that you still have things to teach me and that we still have plenty of room to grow together. I wish so much I had been there for you when your beautiful angel, Colton passed from this world. But I am here now.

I can't wait to see where our adventures will take us. I know in my soul that God has a plan for you and I. I love you so much my dear, sweet, golden-haired and laughing friend.

Sweet 16!

2009-03-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

And never been kissed...(Ahh, ignorance is bliss, isn't it?).

My baby girl IZ is 16 today! 16! I can't even wrap my brain around it! I still remember 16 like it was yesterday! I thought I was so grown up and world wise. I so wasn't! And neither is she but she's already making plans to move to Sunny Cal with her friends as soon as she turns 18 to go to art school. She can't wait to leave me and start her life. And I was the same.

And now here I am at 37 and my life kicked into high gear 16 years ago when I became her mommy and I just want to lock all the doors and hold her tight and say "WAIT! Wait my baby! The world is not everything you think it's gonna be. It's hard work and rent payments. It's having no money for food so you have to live off the frozen curly fries your roommates steal from their job at Arby's. It's walking or riding the bus cuz you sure as hell can't afford a car payment. It's living in the slums cuz, sorry baby, the only 20 somethings who live in a flat like the one on "Friends" are on TV. It's getting into bad relationships with bad men cuz you're just lonely as hell and you just want to be loved. Loved like you were loved at home.

And it's good times with your friends and experiences that are going to shape the person you will someday be. It's late nights and parties and laughing so hard you pee in your pants. It's phone calls to your parents and weekend visits home cuz you know you will always have a place to go. It's eventually finding that one guy that just rocks your world and knowing that you rock his. And it's learning that breaking a heart is not an easy thing to do and that getting your heart broken is not the end of your existence even though you might feel like it is.

So here we are...16 years and you're looking at me with your crooked grin and rolling your eyes and telling me to just STOP being so protective but my darling, sweet, unique and wonderful girl, how do you expect me to ever stop trying to protect you? How can I ever just let you out into the big big world without being there to cushion all your falls?

You are the MOST WONDERFUL creature that has ever graced my world. You ARE my world! Don't you know that? Don't you see? So when I behave like (God forbid) your MOM, it's because I love you so damn much.

I am so proud of you my love. I love everything about you. I love your crooked smile and every single freckle on your face. I love your red hair and your grey blue eyes. I love to hear you laugh. I love your sarcasm and your sense of humor. I love your hugs. I love your sensitive heart and the way you take care of your friends when they need you. I love your taste in fashion, music and movies. I love that you have a rat for a pet even though I don't necessarily love the rat. And I love that you want to be so independent and that you're yearning to run out into the big wide world with your heart wide open to all your possibilities but right now, just for a little while, be my sweet 16! Let me hold you close for just a little while longer.

Happy Birthday IZ!

In case you were wondering...

2009-03-23T13:17:00.000-07:00

THIS is the reason it's been so long since I've posted pics of my beautiful kids!

This happens EVERY TIME I pick up a camera these days!

Oh well! (sigh)

HAPPY MONDAY!

May You Find Some Comfort Here

2009-03-05T07:48:00.000-08:00

My sister came out to see me on Planet Vernal this past weekend. Just her and her girls. We didn't do anything exciting except drive to Colorado and buy lotto tickets (eye rolls, please, for my thrilling life). We just hung out and played with the kids and talked and laughed and cried and then cried some more on Sunday when she had to leave.

Stephanie and I are almost nine years apart in age. I can still remember the anticipation I felt when my mom told us she was pregnant. I remember praying she was a girl cuz I wanted a little sister all my own. I would share my doll collection with her and read her stories. We would giggle all night in our shared bedroom and play with barbies. We would do each others hair while we whispered to each other all of our secrets.

The reality was much different of course, and I soon found myself quite bored and not a little bit frustrated with this tiny lump of a human being. She didn't do anything but keep me up at night, eat and poop. By the time she got old enough to start developing a personality I was pretty much over the sisterly love thing. What made it worse, because I was getting older and should be outgrowing my beloved dolls and toys, they became her toys and I watched her destroy, one by one, all of my childhood mementos. My resentment was considerable.

I think that is why, at about age 2, she started trying to get my attention another way. My sister is wicked funny. Smart ass, will say and do anything, weird and wonderful, FUNNY! She used to keep me and my friends in stitches with the stuff she would do and say. But inevitably my teenage friends became more important than my family and with lots of dysfunction and drama going on, I moved out and for many years didn't spend any time with my beautiful sis.

It wasn't until she became a teenager herself that I started to take notice of her again. At first, I thought she was a spaz and not a little bit spoiled but then that sense of humor started to shine through again and I began to want her company more and more. I started to feel the need to protect and take care of her. I found myself enraged when she was hurt and wanting to kick some serious ass when she did something stupid, which she did...a lot. We began to confide in one another and instead of sisterly bonds it became something more.

One time we went to see a psychic at a fair and the woman told my sister that I was her guardian angel. That I had been put on earth to take care of her and watch over her and we found ourselves nodding in agreement because it felt right. I have no choice in the matter. It is my job to help her through this world. Sometimes I think I do o.k. and sometimes I fail miserably. My sister is such a central part of my joys, worries and fears that I find it hard sometimes to sit back and allow her do what she wants without giving her the lecture or imposing my will. And it's not like she can't make it without me but I'm always so afraid of not being there to catch her when she falls that sometimes I don't want to let her run.

My sister is going through some difficult times right now. My heart is aching with the helplessness I feel. She is a wonderful mother to three beautiful children and she loves her husband with her whole being but like the rest of us, the stress of working full time, taking care of kids and not having enough to pay the bills is taking a toll on her. I haven't seen that wicked funny, laughing, smart ass in a long time. I want her to come and live with me so I can take on her burdens for her but I know that she won't. And I know that I can't. But it is so hard to not be able to make things better.

All I can do is tell her how much I love her. I can tell her that despite all of the problems, she is doing a fabulous job. She is the best mommy. She is a fantastic wife. She has so much love in her heart for her family that it just oozes out of her and infuses the world around her with light. She is my best friend. She has showed me what it means to love someone with a whole heart. I can tell her that even though I lecture her too much, that she has taught me so much more than I could ever teach her. And I can tell her that even though things seem hopeless and that nothing is ever going to get better...IT WILL! I promise you that IT WILL GET BETTER! And I will always be here. Her burdens are my burdens. She doesn't carry them alone. And I love her more than the world.

And They Lived Happily Forever After

2009-02-23T16:33:00.000-08:00

02-13-09

Sydney, Australia Temple

Sydney and her Prince Charming have tied the knot!

I am sending all of my blessing and love your way. And PC, Superman said you take such good care of his girl. We couldn't be more happy and proud. Can't wait to see you over here in the states.

The Good The Bad and the Just Plain Ugly

2009-02-13T09:18:00.001-08:00

Meet Pugsley

I know....He's just the ugliest little thing you've ever seen, right? Ugly in an "Oh, bless your homely little heart" kind of ugly. Ugly in a "Oh he's so ugly he's cute" kind of ugly. Ugly in a "Oh my heck, look at that thing" or even "What is that thing" kind of ugly.

But for some reason, when my dear friend comes to me and says she needs my help finding a home for this dog?! I found myself getting that "I want" tickle in the pit of my stomach. And the next thing I know my lovely friend and her hubby are dropping off this little gremlin at my house. Since then I have been unable to tear myself away from this monster, trying to figure out what it is about him that tugs at my heartstrings.

It could be that when he looks into my eyes, he can only look at me with one eye at a time. It could be that he snorts when he's eating...or running...or just sitting there looking at me with one of his big buggy soulful eyes. It could be that when he sees something he really likes, he feels the need to either mark or hump it...depending on his mood at the time. I don't really know. Maybe it's all of the above...I'm just not sure. But there is something about him. Something unique maybe? Special? Ugggh...what have I gotten myself into!

Anyway, Pugsley is on trial right now. A week trial is what I have committed to. The reasons for this are:
1) Superman is in Australia and he has no clue that I have brought home ANOTHER creature in need of rescue.
2) Cleo, our Great Dane is HUGE and I wanted to make sure that when she's with him, she doesn't mistake him for a little brown hunk of roast beef and just gobble him up in one bite and
3) I once brought home a bassett hound thinking a dog is a dog is a dog. Bless his smelly, slobbery little heart but he threw off the entire dynamic of our household. My kids hated him, Superman barely tolerated him and I grew to really resent the little beast. And I don't know how it happened because I LOVE everybody. Dogs especially. Brutus just threw our entire world into chaos and despair. (All was not lost...we found a FABULOUS home for our little brute. He is very happy. Spoiled rotten. Everytime he sees me he runs wildly into my arms, kisses me all over my face and then happily pees on my shoes.)

So, for better or for worse, Pugsley will be spending a week...or forever... in our home. I hope it's forever. The kids already seem to get a kick out of his jumping, wiggling, bug-eyed madness. Pugs and Cleo seem to have hit it off smashingly, although they are currently alone together right now. I'm scared to go home at lunch to see what they've been up to. And so far, the only forseeable problem will be Superman's reaction when I pick him up from the airport on Sunday. My HOPE is that he will take one look at our little alien and say "BABY! THAT IS THE UGLIEST DOG I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!" And his place in our home and in our hearts will be cemented forever.

Happiness is...

2009-02-03T11:11:00.000-08:00

When my superman quits bitching about all of my stuff and just builds me a new closet to keep it all in!

THANKS BABY!

Blog of Shame

2009-01-19T08:12:00.000-08:00

One beautiful Expedition
Three teenage drivers living at home.

Two Down...

One more to go.

Leaving it up to God

2009-01-12T11:17:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was my nephew's 7th birthday! How time does fly!

I am not supposed to have any children. I have suffered from endometriosis since I was 11 years old. My doctor has told me that my daughter IZ was a miracle baby. I had NO IDEA that she would be the ONLY biological child I would have. I thought, because I was so young, that I had oodles of time to just wait around for the right guy to come along and that we would get married and I would get pregnant RIGHT AWAY and we would have at least 3 more kids. I should have known better, nothing in my life is EVER works out the way I planned.

I know God knew what he was doing when he sent me IZ. Even though I was young and single, the fact of the matter is, if she hadn't come when she did, she wouldn't have come at all. Because of the pain and hard times I went through, I cherish her that much more.

I was really scared as the years went by that my ovaries were getting more scarred, my fallopian tubes were closing off and my chances of having another baby were slipping away. I would dream about babies. Mostly about a golden haired son. I would dream of him laughing, running, riding his bike, falling asleep in my arms. I would wake up almost frantic- I'm wasting time. I have to find someone. Time is running out.

And then Iaan came. I was with my sister through her pregnancy, and there when my beautiful nephew came into this world. He was smiling his first day on earth, I mean REALLY smiling. And such a sweet, cuddly, happy boy. I couldn't get enough of him. And I LOVE him so much.

I remember watching my sister hold him after the delivery and just feeling so peaceful and blissful. The last time I felt that way was when my daughter was born. And from that day on this NEED I had to HURRY UP! GET MARRIED! HAVE KIDS! before it's too late! was gone. Just gone. And I knew that, once again, God had it all figured out. That little boy, that golden haired and laughing boy from my dreams had found a way to come into my life, through my sister. I am still amazed at how perfect it is. At that moment, her joy and my joy were equal. In fact, I think maybe my joy was even more because my sister was SO HAPPY and so not only was I happy for myself, I was happy for her as well.

Now he is 7 years old. He's got two little sisters that he watches over like a big brother guardian angel. It's so cute because he's so proud of them. He actually beams like a proud parent when little Sami does something new. He's sensitive and caring. He could walk when he was 8 months old and he was ALWAYS busy. He loves motorcycles and hunting and video games. And he LOVES his mommy. He's so smart. I'm sure he gets his brains from me (wink wink). He's curious about everything. His laugh is infectious. He's polite, well-behaved and can naturally just DO anything he puts his mind to. His stepdaddy is his best friend. They hunt and fish together all the time. He's a natural at everything he tries to do. I can't wait to see what happens when he finds his true passion in life because Iaan never does anything half-way. When he finds something he likes, he just eats, drinks and sleeps it until he finds something new to peak his interest.

It's hard to be away from him and my nieces now that I live on Planet Vernal. When his baby sister was born a year ago, I drove in late to be with my sister. After I left the hospital, I went to my mom's house to find that Iaan had waited up for me. I walked in the door and he's staring at the television with droopy eyes, fighting so hard to stay awake. He heard the door and turned to look at me and his eyes just lit up and his face broke into this smile, a huge breathtaking smile! And he jumped into my arms and we just held each other. So happy to be together. When he smiled, it was like the sun coming out, it just lit up my whole world. He won't remember that moment but I will never forget it. So Happy Birthday Buddy! I wish I could be there to see you turn 7! But even when I'm not with you in person, I am always with you in my heart.

My Heart

2009-01-06T16:51:00.000-08:00

These are my parents. Aren't they adorable? This was taken 37 years ago. Unbelievable. Can you imagine? Being a father of twins at 18 years old? He and my mom look like babies themselves, don't they? I always got a giggle out of these old pictures cuz my daddy looks scared to death.

I don't remember much about when my dad lived with us. Only partial little memories here and there. Random, strange stuff that it really makes no sense for me to remember. I remember sitting on the floor at his feet while he sat at the kitchen table smoking a cigarette. I remember watching TV in the living room with him. I remember him making me angry and slamming the door to my bedroom until he got up and came in to give me a well deserved spanking. I remember coming out of my room one night to find him staring at the wall with tears on his face and him telling me to go back to bed.

After that, he was gone. Every once in awhile he would come to the house and I would grab his coat and say "Stay home, Daddy! Where are you going? Why won't you stay?" And he would tell me that he couldn't stay. He had to go live with Grandma for awhile.

We spent a lot of time with my grandmother. We went to her house and we colored with the stubs of crayons she kept in old Pringles cans and pulled old toys out of the toy box she kept in the hallway. I remember distinctly that on her nightstand by her bed was a large bowl that was black with glitter stars and moons embedded in it and in that bowl was a wooden box with her initials carved in it. The box, which I was lucky enough to inherit, (but not the bowl, which I would give my eye teeth just to hold in my hands again) contained dozens of small crocheted roses that my grandmother had made for some doily or table cloth that she had never gotten around to finishing. I would make a beeline for her room and bring out the bowl with the box and I would spend HOURS counting, arranging and stacking those roses. I still can't take out that box without feeling her, smelling her, seeing her smile and missing her so much that it makes my heart ache even 10 years after her death.

I remember riding in her old car. She had a red car and she wore a red quilted jacket and I thought she bought them to match on purpose. On her keys was a black key chain, kind of heart shaped with my grandfathers name carved into it. I can still see that key chain swinging from the ignition and I must have been so little cuz when I was older my grandmother was too sick to drive anywhere.

We would drive from visiting relatives out in the country and as we came over the hill into the city, I could see the city lights on the horizon all bunched together and I actually thought that the lights were stars that had bunched up where they met up with the land. My grandma would always say "Look at the pretty lights." and I would always say "No Grandma, those are stars." She would just laugh at that and I thought she was laughing because I was clever enough to know that they were stars and not just lights.

My grandmother was feisty! She loved her three boys fiercely! And she was strong. She had buried one husband and a son before I was even born. She used to call us little monkeys. She made beautiful hand stitched quilts. I would play at her feet while she drank coffee, listened to Dolly Parton on the radio and gossiped with her friends.

She was both proud and protective of her family. Her boys were perfect in her eyes. And she raised them to be polite and kind and in return, her boys ADORED her. Every Memorial Day we went to Goshen (still a tiny, tiny town in the middle of nowhere) to the cemetery where all of my older relatives would be waiting for us and we would put flowers on the graves of her husband and son. She would always show me where she would be buried next to them one day. Then I would listen to the same stories told by the same old people. Like how my Great Aunt Betty was there the day I was born and helped with the delivery. My grandma was always so happy on that day. Strange huh? On a day when you would think she would be so sad.

As I got older and into school I didn't see her as much. Both my father and my mother got remarried and had my two sisters right around the same time and we were always being shuffled around between our two new families. My grandma got too sick to drive and I got too busy with my friends and school. I just didn't realize that she wouldn't be with me forever. I don't know what I was thinking.

When her second husband, my grandpa,who was just a kind and gentle man passed away, I was in the hospital having my third or fourth knee surgery. I didn't get to attend his funeral and I wonder if that's why it still didn't dawn on me that someday my grandma would be gone as well.

I got to see her and know her again after my daughter was born. I thank God we had that time. She was so proud of her new great-granddaughter. My daughter had red hair just like my grandma did in her youth and out of all the grand children me and IZ resemble her the most. But gram was too sick to do much else besides hold her and admire her. That was enough.

Eventually Grandma had to go into a nursing home and that was the beginning of the end for her. Her oldest son passed away around that time and the grief of his passing and her illness was just too much. I would go see her occasionally at the home. Not nearly as much as I could have, or should have. But it was just so painful for me. I couldn't even DEAL with the thought that she was leaving me. I didn't think how painful my absence must have been for her.

When she died, my grief was so deep and so raw that I don't think I really took it out and dealt with it for a year. On the anniversary of her death I got down on my knees and just WEPT until I couldn't cry another tear.

Grandma, I miss you so much! You are with me in my every thought. Every decision I make, I wonder what you are thinking. I wonder if you are watching over me. If you're proud of me. If you get mad at me when I do stupid things.

I think you do watch. Sometimes I feel you so strong I have to stop myself from calling out your name. I think you know Superman's mom in Heaven and that you two feisty women are up there orchestrating things for us. I can't even imagine the conversations the two of you must have.

This is not what I started out to write tonight but I know you're here. I can feel your love caressing me like silk. I wish you were still on this earth. I wish I could still curl up in your lap and feel your arms around me. Out of all the people who have come and gone in my life, you loved me better than all of them. And you still do. And I love you too. I carry you in my heart, you ARE my heart and I hope I make you proud. Someday I'll get to see you again, introduce you to my children and my Superman. I will get to hear you call me your little monkey and the ache of missing you so much will be gone because I can walk with you and talk with you and tell you all of these things in person.

I hope I do your memory justice with the things I have written here. I want the world to know how truly wonderful you are. I know that some of these memories are so silly but they are seared into my brain like a movie picture. Whenever I am sad or scared I just replay them and I am happy again. I will NEVER walk by a lilac bush or smell that scent without thinking of you. Thank you, thank you , thank you for being my gram.

In Memory of my heart, Ercel Kay. I love you.

What Really Matters

2009-01-02T13:05:00.000-08:00

Whew! What a crazy crazy month December has been. My Superman hasn't been working for the last two weeks. This is not by choice mind you, this is due to many factors...not the least of which is the economy. We have been stressed to the max about how to pay for Christmas (somehow we managed), how to pay our bills (we're behind but not desperate...yet) and when or IF Superman will be going back to work. (Barack, I love ya, but you getting elected has just thrown the oilfield business into a tizzy. Don't let me down, PLEASE!) And I understand that a lot of us are in the same boat right now. Things are uncertain, money is tight and who knows when it's all going to turn around.

The fact of the matter is this...No matter how little money I have, no matter what kind of house I live in or what kind of car I drive, no matter what the future has in store for me...what REALLY MATTERS is that my family is near me, my children are happy, my husband is healthy.

So for the first day of the New Year I was determined to spend it without care. I didn't think about money or bills or work or the future. Today I stood at the bottom of the hill and looked up at my family and my heart filled with joy at the sound of my Little Tomato's giggle ringing through the frost filled valley. I held by breath as I watched my Superman slide toward me at breakneck speed and I laughed hysterically at my beautiful Cleo running and jumping through the snow like a wild deer. My family is so beautiful. I hope they know how happy it makes me just to be near them. I watched the sun set behind the mountain and thanked God for reminding me of the things that matter most. And the feeling that coursed through my body, making me toasty and warm was just this...everything is going to be alright.

2008-12-23T08:28:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from our Winter Wonderland to Yours!

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

2008-12-15T15:19:00.000-08:00

Sleigh Bells Ring....Are ya listening?
In the Lane...Snow is Glistening.
A Beautiful Sight! We're Happy Tonight....

Driving 3 hours through the winter wonderland, risking life and

limb in order to get to a city with a mall!

Yes! This is Superman and I at the beginning of our road trip to the bright lights and big city in order to load up on presents for the kiddies because it is now only 7 days to Christmas and we haven't bought a single present! We panicked! Come hell or blowing blizzard we were going to finish (or start and then finish) our Christmas shopping.

45 Minutes into the trip. Pretty, huh?
1 hour to go! Isn't this beautiful! I'm still fairly calm at this point. The snow is lovely! Everything is clean and white and covered with pillows of big fluffy snow! Gorgeous!

I don't know if you can see the road but it's a good thing we had trees on either side or we wouldn't have known if we were on the road or not. Still beautiful! We are toasty warm, we are laughing and talking and listening to the radio. I try not to let on that my palms are starting to sweat, I'm having heart palpitations and it's getting harder and harder to laugh at Superman's silly banter. JUST KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, HONEY!

A few minutes later. The vague black shape in front of us is the tanker truck that we were following down the mountain. At this point, Superman is telling me to just keep taking pictures. He says it's keeping me calm and he doesn't want me to start freaking out. I think it's really because he wants to be sure that the last moments of our lives are documented for our loved ones. I know he is thinking about a park ranger finding us frozen solid in our car off the side of the road after spring thaw. I'm seeing images of our frozen bodies lovingly holding on to each other in our last moments, our frozen fingers intertwined for eternity. Morbid, I know but at this point I'm thinking it's a real possibility. And then...

We are down. We stop at the nearest gas station for hot bevs, the satellite is playing Christmas jingles, people are bustling in and out on their way to wherever it is they go and the sheer terror of five minutes ago is completely forgotten. We spend the rest of our day shopping non-stop, eating at the food court and trying to forget that on the way home we get to do this drive again, only this time it will be dark!

All I can say is...our kids are spoiled! They better go into complete and utter ecstasy at the opening of every gift and I better hear the words "That was the best Christmas ever! I got everything I've ever wanted and more! Thank you, parental units! Thank you! We love you more than the world!"

Blah blah blah blah....blogs

2008-12-10T14:29:00.000-08:00

Geez! Is it possible? 20 posts! 20! And I have blog block! I thought I had so much to write about! There are days when I'm in my car or making dinner or even having a conversation with someone and WHAM! INSPIRATION!!! and I immediately start writing my post in my head. And I get so frustrated that I'm not sitting at my computer, that I can't put my thought provoking and earth shattering visions down for the world to read. I find myself at the computer the next day and the words are gone. The spell has passed and what I wanted to say just sounds stupid. So here I am. Blog 20. With nothing to say....(sigh)

By the way, my brother came out to Vernal with his family to stay with me last weekend! I don't think it had anything to do with my last post but when he arrived the first thing he did was give me a hug and tell me how much he loves me. I (of course) started to cry and told him I loved him back but not to say it again because I didn't want to start bawling like a baby. This only made him repeat it to me four or five times until we both started to giggle. And IT WAS AWESOME! And I am happy.

So...blog 20... let's see...20 what?...20 people I love? 20 things I'm thankful for? 20 things about me? I don't know...ummmm....

1. I have the most beautiful nieces and nephews in the world. Not biased cuz they're family beautiful...I'm talking the cover of Baby Beautiful Magazine BEAUTIFUL! All of them. Good genes (hee hee).

2. All of my siblings have married fantastic people. Their perfect mate. I don't know how they did it with the dysfunction around us but we all did a bang up job of choosing THE ONE!

3. Everyone of my girls are just REALLY GOOD GIRLS! No drama, no trouble, no midnight phones calls, good grades, good friends. (I better knock on wood right now because after what I put my mother through, I don't deserve it.)

4. I have managed to learn through experience all of the job skills and life lessons that I need to get paid excellent money, doing exactly what I want to do. No college for this girl. School bored me to tears but I can kick any CPA's butt any day of the week! YEAH BABY!

5. I regret not applying myself more in school cuz I really could have gone anywhere and done anything but the School of Hard Knocks seems to be more of what I was destined for and I am a better person for it.

6. My grandma Bobbie is the most wonderful Grandma in the whole world. She is beautiful, she can be very blunt and sometimes I think she's a bit judgmental but she gives the best hugs, she's always cheerful, she's the strongest person I know and her sugar cookies are the best in the entire world.

7. My mom is FUNNY! And FUN! My cousins call her "crazy Aunt Judy" and it's meant as a compliment. She does and says exactly what she wants. She dances to the beat of her own drum. Sometimes she drives me INSANE but I am so proud of her and I wouldn't trade her for any mom in the world.

8. When I was little I just knew I was secretly a Disney Princess and that someday all my wishes would come true. I have prayed and wished so long for so many things and not gotten them that I think God is now making up for lost time and fulfilling my dreams all at once.

9. My bosses are hard-drinking, fun loving, family first, Planet Vernal good ol' boys and I LOVE working for them. I have the best job in the world.

10. Is anyone still reading this?

11. I'm sure you get sick of hearing me talk about how wonderful my superman is but he REALLY IS WONDERFUL! Really.

12. I have TRULY forgiven my stepfather for being such a DICK to me for so many years. It feels good to forgive him. Now I just feel sorry for him.

13. Disneyland is my favorite place on the planet. It really is the happiest place on earth! I would move there if I could and live in Cinderella's castle. I would ride on Pirates of the Caribbean three times every day.

14. I want a fabulous fairy tale wedding but I don't want to plan it AT ALL! Does anyone have fairy godmother I can borrow?

15. Superman and I have picked out the house we will live in, the cars we will drive, the animals we will own and the place we will move to WHEN we win the lottery.

16. Just in case we fail to win the lottery, Superman's head is CHOCK FULL of great ideas for our own business and we are currently working on making at least one of them become a reality.

17. I have never been a dreamer, but Superman is a dreamer and he is starting to convert me.

18. I used to be really active in the LDS faith but I find as I am getting older that 1. God is with me everywhere I go, not just at church. 2. He loves me no matter what and 3. as long as I STRIVE to be a good wife and mother, treat ALL people with kindness, compassion, forgiveness and love and am always honest that I will be just fine when I leave this world.

19. It took me a long time to come to the conclusion that I am a good person whether or not I fall into the "box o' goodness" that the LDS church wants me to live in. I KNOW I made the right decision by CHOOSING to live with my Superman so we could bring his children over to live with us. I prayed long and hard about it. GOD AND I HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING. I am where I am supposed to be.

20. And yes!....WHEW...we are at twenty! And for starting out this post with nothing to say, this post is hella long. Sorry about that.

Saved

2008-11-21T10:51:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid my family and our extended family rented a houseboat and spent a few days at Lake Powell in Southern Utah. We fished, suntanned, hiked and swam with our cousins and we had a ball.

Then one morning as we were anchored on the shore, my twin brother and my cousins were running around on the steep red rock that dropped straight into the lake. My brother slipped into the water. There was nothing for him to grab onto and he didn't know how to swim. He panicked and began flailing frantically. This only pushed him further out to deeper water.

I remember being on the houseboat and hearing his screams. My blood froze in my veins and my breath stopped as I looked out and saw him go under the water again and again, each time he stayed under a little bit longer. I stood on the deck of that boat completely helpless, frozen and staring, knowing that my brother was about to die. And I couldn't do anything to stop it.

My uncles ran from shore, jumped in the water and pulled him to safety. I stood there gripping the railing with white knuckles, watching the rescue, shaking from head to toe, unnoticed in all the commotion. The whole thing probably happened in minutes but in my memory it played out over an eternity.

He was okay. My brother was safe. I could tell from the nervous chuckles coming from the adults nearby. But I was forever changed.

My brother and I were raised for the most part by my stepfather. He didn't love us. He resented us and he didn't really want us around. He spent the majority of our childhood punishing us for being alive. It wasn't my mother's fault. I know she is going to read this and cry and Mom, that is not my intention, I love you with my whole heart and you did the very best you could do. My mom worked swing shift and she was gone a lot. And my stepfather was a liar. My mom never knew what went on.The punishment was RARELY physical, but that man could get into your head like nobody else. His cruelty knew no bounds.

Now that I am an adult and can look back and dissect it without crawling under the covers and screaming into my pillow, I realize that my brother got the brunt of it. He was my stepfathers mental punching bag. I realize that the largest part of my childhood was spent standing at the railing of that boat, watching my brother suffer and I couldn't do anything about it. I realize all of my fear and rage stems from the fact that I couldn't save my other half. All I could do was stand there frozen and watch.

How I wish I could have had the courage to stand up for him ONE TIME. To tell ANYBODY. To tell my stepfather to just GO TO HELL! I wish I could have just jumped into that water and SWAM with everything I had in me and pull my brother to safety. Maybe then, as adults, my brother could bear to look me in the eye. Maybe then, he would want to be around us more.

Does he blame me? Does he ever resent me that he got it worse than me? Is that why I hardly see or talk to him now? Or is it because when we see each other, it all comes back. Maybe not in-your-face-step-dad-in-the-room back, but subconsciously we look at each other and we see me on the boat and him fighting for his life in that deep dark water. Is it my own guilt that has put this wedge between us? Will we ever be close again in our lifetime?

I know one thing that hasn't changed is how much I love him. I still dream about him. I still giggle when I think about how shy he was and that I did all the talking for him. My mom says that one time she put my hair in pigtails and painted my fingernails. He was quite hurt that he didn't get the same so she fixed his hair and painted his nails and took us out to Glades Drive In for a burger. The two of us were just tickled pink that we were the same.

I am so DAMN HAPPY that he has found the perfect wife and that she is so good to him. It makes me proud that he was able to overcome so much and be such a good, big hearted family man. My sister-in-law tells me how much he loves his children and how, underneath all his tattoos and his gruff exterior, he still has a sensitive and loving heart. He has found someone else to be his other half and she completes him perfectly.

But I miss you, brother. We've been together since CONCEPTION dude! Don't you miss me too? Come out to Planet Vernal and SEE ME. Let's HANG OUT and TALK like we used to. Tell me about your kids and your job and your wonderful wife. Tell me about your motorcycle and how much you LOVE IT! Tell me everything. I want to know. I want to hear it from YOU! Come and get to know my superman and meet your fabulous new nieces! You'll love them, I know it!

Our experience with the stepdad-from-hell SUCKED! But it's over now and we've both been SAVED! Saved by our own power, our own resilience. What happened only made us better! Better parents, better partners and better people. So ENOUGH! Get your ass out here! Your big sis (by 1/2 an hour, hee hee) needs her brother.

Walkabout

2008-11-21T09:28:00.001-08:00

This is Superman and Cleo on our daily (I wish, but we try) walk. About 2 blocks from our house is a dirt trail through the cedar and sage brush. At the top of the trail is an amazing view of the mountains on all sides and the town nestled down in the basin. It's breathtaking! We can let Cleo off her leash and she runs and jumps through the cedar like a wild animal let out of a cage! It's thrilling to watch. If I could keep up, I would be running with her.

Just left of that silly little tree in the foreground is my house as seen from halfway up the trail.

This is it! This is the spot where I look around me and I take a deep breath and I thank God that I am here. That my Superman is at my side. That my Cleo is so happy and beautiful. That my home down below contains my gorgeous and wonderful children and that for the first time in my life, I am truly content. That I have FINALLY crawled through my tunnel o' crap and made it out the other side to THIS! Of course, Superman has no idea that all of this is going through my head right now. That the ear to ear smile on my face is pure joy and that I just feel so DAMN GOOD! But that's OK! It's so good to just FEEL it!

The icing on the cake...a full moon to light our way home. I wish I had the poetic talent to describe this moment (like you, Magpie...you're fabulous) but I don't. I'll just let Tom Petty and these pics do it for me.

Full Body Armor Required

2008-11-19T14:45:00.001-08:00

Planet Vernal is an oilfield planet. Pretty much 100% of the people who live here either work in the oilfield, work for an oilfield company or know someone who does. The work is hard, most of the time, the hours are long and the money is really good.

Superman works on a drilling rig. He is part of a 5 man crew that drills a "surface hole". They drill a few thousand feet into mud and rock and when they reach a certain depth they move to a new location and a larger rig sets up and takes over where they left off. Aside from the long hours, the muddy dirt roads, the poisonous gas, the rattlesnakes, the snapping chains, the heavy pipe and machinery and the breaking down equipment, it's a pretty safe job.

Every morning (usually about 4am) I get out of bed, fix Superman's breakfast, enjoy a cup of coffee with him and then send him off to face his 16 hour day. This is something I HAVE TO DO. Not because he makes me but because I can't go back to sleep unless I know I've kissed him goodbye, told him to be safe and said "I love you." It's my prayer of protection for him. My ritual of the heart.

It used to be really hard to let him go but after years of sending him off in the same way, it's gotten to be routine. It's what we do everyday. And even though it's easier than it used to be, I still feel anxious when he goes. I still can't wait for him to come home so I can kiss him again and say a prayer of thanks that he is home safe and sound.

Thankfully, most days they just drill. This means that they spend the majority of their day cleaning and maintaining the rig while they send pipe into the hole. When the pipe gets to a certain point they connect another pipe and go back to what they were doing until it's time to make another connection. Occasionally this leaves them time to pursue other activities such as...

Yes, this is the inside of a port-a-potty. Just in case you've never seen one. Fascinating isn't it?

He's not sleeping. He's daydreaming...about me.

These are the good days. When Superman sends me a text message saying "we're just drilling today". As long as he doesn't step on a rattlesnake while eating cheetos, on his way to the Port a Potty then he will probably be just fine.

But sometimes bad things happen even on drilling days. This gigantic hole in the ground is from an explosion. This is what happens when the gas under the earth builds up in the hole and can't get out any other way. When this happened the explosion actually picked up the rig and moved it, sending mud, rock, pipe and debris flying through the air. Thank God no one got hurt. But it's days like this that remind me that Superman's days are NEVER routine. To always be aware that even on the most mundane of days, my Superman is always in danger. THAT is why I haul my butt out of bed at 4AM to fix his breakfast and kiss him goodbye.

Superman is always coming home with bruises from one mishap or another and since he is a big guy and he is really strong it seems like he is always in the most dangerous place, doing the most dangerous thing at any given time. I guess that is what super heroes do but I HATE IT! Believe me, I am NO LOIS LANE. Superman can retire at any time. Someone else can fight the good fight and he can come home and just let his girls give him a pedicure. And as appealing as that may be to him, he insists that slaying the car payment, keeping us from freezing to death during the 20 below Vernal winters and single handedly holding up the roof over our heads is more important.

Then...yesterday a chain snapped. This caused a large metal chain tong to swing around and hit Superman in the thigh. If he had not been my "man of steel" it would have snapped his leg. As it was, the hit was so hard and the pain of the blow so severe that it knocked him unconscious.

He says that he was dreaming he was on the beach surrounded by beautiful bikini clad women serving him Pina Coladas and awoke to find the entire motley drill crew surrounding him instead. Talk about a rude awakening.

He's OK. I don't know how but he is. He limped home and he even limped to work the next day but it SCARED me and it SCARED his crew. When I think about what COULD have happened. If the Tongs had been a bit higher or had hit him any harder...it's just unthinkable. But for Superman...and the rest of the crew, who are his friends, who have families of their own, it is just another day. It's just their job. Too often I hear about some horrible accident happening to someone out there and my first thought is always "Thank God it wasn't his rig" and then I wonder about the guys wife and kids.

So THANK YOU SUPERMAN for going out there and slaying the oilfield dragon for us everyday. Someday soon (please God, let it be sooner than later) we can retire to a beach somewhere and you can be served real Pina Coladas by real bikini clad women. You can just relax and SLEEP LATE every morning and I will still kiss you and fix you breakfast. The oilfield dragon will be dead at last (at least in our world) and you can just sit back and enjoy the rewards.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

2008-11-03T10:28:00.000-08:00

HOPE YOU ALL HAD A HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I know we did! Me and Superman took LT around the neighborhood and she got a truckload of candy. I am so sick from chocolate overload that I don't think I ever wanna see a Reese's PB Cup again. Even with our leftover candy and the TONS of candy LT brought home, it is all pretty much gone. Less than 3 days after Halloween and the candy is HISTORY! The sugar high is over and we are all just blobs, chocolate blobs that can't do anything more than push the buttons on the remote control.

But here are some Halloween pics of the oh so adorable and kinda scary Little Tomato.

This something LT has wanted to do to her sister for some time.

B2 and her posse getting ready to go to the Halloween Dance.

IZ and her gang also went to the dance but she got ready to go at her friends house and no one thought to take a single picture. Bummer.

New Zealand Nan

2008-10-29T08:03:00.001-07:00

The girls "Nan" came over from New Zealand on a church tour a couple of weeks ago. She hasn't seen them in over two years so we made a special trip up to Salt Lake City to spend some time with her. Isn't she adorable? The little lady in the pink on the right is her friend and they were both absolutely lovely. She has the cutest Maori accent and is SO FUNNY. Her and her friend told stories, caught us up on the gossip and giggled like little girls the whole time.

I was really worried that things would be awkward, with her being Superman's EX Mum-in-law and all but it really wasn't. I loved that she introduced him as her son to all of her friends and that he still calls her Mum. He was quite touched and it made me proud that she still admires and loves him so much. He will always be her son and that just shows you how much grace and class this fabulous woman has.

Nan was so happy to see her girls. She couldn't believe how much they've grown and changed. She couldn't get over how much B2 looked like her mom and that LT is as tall as she is (which wasn't much of a stretch cuz Nan is SO TINY). The girls doted on their Nan and were overjoyed to see her.

It was an evening full of smiles and laughter and the time went by much too fast. She left the next morning for VEGAS BABY! (just the thought of those two tearing it up in Vegas makes me giggle) and then on to L.A. and then back to NZ. My only regret is that we didn't have more time with her. Maybe someday we can bring her over to Planet Vernal and then the girls won't have to share her with the church tour.

She really was a fantastic lady. Every wonderful thing the girls told me about her was true and then some. We can't wait until the big wedding in Australia to see her again.

My Kind of Man

2008-10-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

OK! In case you haven't noticed, I've been a little depressed lately. Between the loss of my cat and the much too quickly impending loss of my little tomato, my blog has been a bit...weepy? So here's a little something just to lighten up the place a bit.

Hee Hee! He's gonna kill me but DAMN! THAT'S JUST TOO CUTE!!

Sorry Baby! I LOVE YOU!

Little Tomato Turns 11!!

2008-10-17T14:47:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it. Our Little Tomato is 11 years old. When she came to stay with us, I never dreamed that she would spend a third birthday on Planet Vernal. She is such a miracle and brings me unending joy.

LT is so sweet and so so FUNNY! Oh my gosh, this kid can make me LAUGH! And she's GROWN so much since she's been here. She's almost as tall as me and wears the same size shoe. It's been so much fun to watch her change from a little girl into an almost young woman. She LOVES clothes and the color purple. She loves to dance, she loves to read and she's so SMART! Math is her favorite subject.

LT LOVES animals. She loves Animal Planet. She LOVES her cats and she has great empathy and compassion for anything hurt or wounded. I am worried that she will be some crazy cat lady when she grows up because she won't turn anything away.

The most important people in LT's life right now are her older sisters. She absolutely idolizes them and she tries to imitate EVERYTHING they do and say. Her sister Sydney, in Australia is an almost mythic figure in her life. All she has to do is hear Sydney's voice on the phone and she just radiates happiness. Anything Sydney says, does, likes, dislikes, loves instantly becomes gospel to LT.

And LT LOVES her daddy. He is her super hero. The righter of all her wrongs. She is constantly seeking his approval and almost always gets it. If daddy is happy, she is happy.

Our little tomato will be leaving us in February to go back to New Zealand and spend time with her mother. I know her mother must miss her very much but I still find myself praying that God will find SOME WAY for her to stay even though I know it's for purely selfish reasons. But my heart is breaking. I've been in denial that this moment would ever come and now it's getting closer and closer and I am almost desperate at the thought. I don't know if I can bear to part with her. I don't know how I can ever let her go.

LT, you are my sunshine. You are my slice of heaven here on earth. I have grown to love you more than I ever thought possible. I NEED you to know this. I NEED you to remember that here in this place, in our home, YOU ARE SO VERY LOVED. And we need your sunshine in our life every moment. We can't live without you. And my hope is that our time apart will be very short and that sometime in the near future we can figure out a way for you to be with us and still be able to spend all the time you want with your mum. Everyone wants you, everyone wants to be around you, everyone wants to stand in your light.

My fear is that you will forget me. That I will dim in the glow of your mommy's love. That you will doubt my love for you. PLEASE DON'T FORGET!!! It is OK to love me and your mommy too. There is nothing wrong with that. Don't ever feel like you have to choose. You are the daughter of your mommy and daddy by God and you are my daughter by heart. And I am SO PROUD of you. You are a wonderful person and such a good girl and I am so blessed to know you and help raise you and I can't wait to see who you turn out to be. February will be here too soon. Please don't forget me. I will still be here whenever you need me and I will always always love you.

Sometimes you just gotta let 'em BE

2008-10-13T15:18:00.001-07:00

THIS is my precious girl, IZ. This pic was taken when she was 14 and she had just begun to test the bounderies of her individuality and personal style. She had just cut off her waist length, gorgeous red locks, thrown away the last pink hued article of clothing she would EVER wear and had decided that she wanted to be a punk rock star, stage name: Izzie Sparx.

I am totally cool with this. If my parents had spent less time trying to mold me into the person they thought I should be and spent more time just letting me BE then maybe I wouldn't have rebelled so hard. And then again maybe not. Who's to say? But I am proud that my girl has the courage to be who she wants and doesn't really care what other people think.

And then...

I picked my daughter up after a night spent with her friends and THIS is what I got. OMG and all that is holy WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAIR????!!!! Seriously People, I may have hyperventilated and then I cried. Yes. That is a Mohawk. Not a Faux Hawk. Not a wig. Not a Ha Ha, Just joking, I wish you could've seen the look on your face... A MOHAWK!!!!

And I thought I was so cool. So open-minded. I have a tattoo. I listen to cool music. I AM WITH IT, MAN! And I actually LIKE Mohawks. Just on other people. Not my baby. Not my precious little pumpkin who used to sing "It's our problem free ill oss a bee, acuma matata" at the top of her lungs.

Ok OK! It doesn't look that bad. And I am getting used to it. And IZ LOVES IT! And that is what is important but I guess what is really bugging me the most.... Iz and I have always had this special connection, this THING, this acceptance of one another, this ability to just let each other be and for one minute I became another person, this MOM that I hate! You know, the kind that won't let their kids play with the neighbors because their father rides a motorcycle and the mother smokes cigarettes. The kind that pulls their children to the other side of the sidewalk and shields their eyes when a gay couple comes strolling by.

ALRIGHT! I'm not that BAD!!! But how far is it before I cross that line. How far from "Making my daughter feel like shit because she got a Mohawk" to "You won't be listening to the devil's music in this house!"

I guess my point is this: IZ, I didn't mean it! I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I didn't mean to make you think I hated it, cuz seriously...you could shave your head bald and tattoo your face and I would still think you were the most beautiful creature on the face of the earth. And I don't EVER want you to be ANYONE other than WHO YOU ARE! And I want you to continue to test your boundaries and explore your world and try absolutely EVERYTHING! And I LOVE YOU, no matter what! NO MATTER WHAT!

And your hair will always grow back...right?

One Shining Moment

2008-10-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

7 am Saturday morning. Superman and I are just lying in bed. Kids are still asleep and not knocking on our door. No television blaring the Disney channel from the next room. No dog to be let out. No chores yet to do. Just the two of us in each others arms, cozy under the covers on a cool Fall morning. The sun is just coming up and the room is just shadows and quiet.

We don't talk about the bills that need to be paid. We don't talk about work. We don't talk about the kids or the stuff that needs to be done before we leave town later that day. Sometimes we don't talk about anything at all, we just doze. But on this day, for whatever reason, Superman asks about some experience from my past and I just start talking. And it's just so good to talk and I don't feel afraid or embarrassed in his arms. Just whispering really, as his questions guide me through my story. Every once in awhile he plants a kiss on my forehead or I run my hand along his shoulder and I feel so safe. I think this is what they mean by "soul mates" because as we whisper, it seems that we are both feeling the same emotion, sharing the same experience.

The next time we get a chance like this, it may be me asking the questions and him doing the telling and we will laugh together and sigh together and sometimes even cry but the overall feeling of our stolen moment is bliss. This is when we shine. This time together is our reminder of how much we mean to each other. This is when we get to know each other better and even after years of togetherness there seems to still be so much to learn. And usually, just before the kids start yelling at each other or the dog starts barking, we fall asleep holding on to each other, feeling so loved.

Once we get up, all the other stuff comes crashing back in, get the car packed, take the dog to the kennel, fix breakfast, yell at the kids to GET OFF THE COUCH!! TURN OFF THE TV!!! WE HAVE TO GO!!! and Superman is irritating me because he's decided the car HAS to be washed before we go and the clock is ticking and we are behind schedule and then...I walk back into my bedroom and I see the rumpled sheets and I remember our moment...our shining moment...and I take a deep breath and I feel calm and happy and all of a sudden none of that other stuff seems important.

We get in the car and are FINALLY on the road and I'm smiling to myself as I think back on our morning together and I look over at Superman and he smiles back cuz he knows what I'm thinking about. The two of us store our moment away so that tomorrow we can take it back out when we are stressed out at work or the kids call cuz they've forgotten their lunch money and that memory will hold us, keep us sane, until a few days or weeks or months when we get our moment again.

I remember when I was 15 years old, I was sweeping the floor that separated the restaurant from the convenience store where I worked and this old couple walked out of the restaurant. The old woman was holding on to her husband's arm for support and they could only walk at a slow pace. When they got to the door, they noticed it was raining outside. I waited impatiently while the woman dug her rain bonnet out of her purse and started to put it over her hair. Her husband turned her so that she was facing him and proceeded to straighten the bonnet on her head and I stood there, mesmerized as he lovingly tied the bonnet under her chin. She just stared at him with this look of pure adoration. She radiated happiness. When he was done he looked into her eyes and gave her the most beautiful smile. Then he took her hand and the two of them walked out the door. They were so caught up in each other that they didn't even notice I was there.

I was completely blown away. I couldn't stop thinking about them. They LOVED each other so much and I remember thinking, I will never settle for anything less than that. I will never marry a man unless he can LOVE me and look at me that way even while doing something as insignificant as helping me tie my rain bonnet. It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

And I know that they didn't spend every minute of every day just adoring one another. I'm sure they had bills to pay and grandkids driving them crazy and they have probably shared unimaginable grief and countless life experiences. She probably can't stand that he leaves toothpaste in the sink and he might hate the way she poaches his eggs but they STILL have their moments, those times when they simply shine. I was lucky enough to witness just one of those moments. I know now, that is what makes the difference between "as long as we can make it work" and "FOREVER".

I hope that 10, 20, 30 years from now we will never be too busy or too stressed out to spend an hour or two just lying in bed whispering to each other. That we will never run out of stories to share or kisses to give. I hope that when things get crazy we will have our moments to remind each other how much we care.

I just want to remind the people I love, especially Sydney and PC, who will be getting married soon, to always adore one another and take the time to let everything go for a few hours, just to get to know one another again. Tell each other the story again of how you met because even though you swear you know it by heart, he will share some part of that moment that will only make it richer and more precious. But most important, don't forget the little things...never ever be in too much of a hurry to stop and tie her rain bonnet. It's in those insignificant moments that we shine.

Dog Breath, Paw Prints, Slobber Kisses and Love at First Sight

2008-10-03T08:47:00.000-07:00

Shortly after moving to Planet Vernal, Superman and I were traveling home after visiting our parents when we started discussing what kind of dog we wanted to get. I told him that my dream dog was an English Bulldog. I've wanted one for years and told myself that should I ever become a homeowner, I was going to get me one. $2500 price tag be damned! And seriously....isn't this the cutest damn thing you've ever seen?

Well, it turns out Superman wasn't much interested in the flat-nose, drooly, fat and grunting type. His favorite dog is a Corgie. Umm...I don't know...maybe it's cuz he's from New Zealand and Her Majesty, the Queen keeps Corgies but this is NOT the dog I pictured my Superman wanting. Then again, he knows from experience what great kids they make because he has owned two of them. And I had to admit...they are cute as buttons but I ask you to refer again to the picture above...I mean, come on...That's FREAKING ADORABLE!!!

Obviously a compromise is what was needed at this point and we started naming off dogs that we would consider in the place of our dream doggies, when I said "You know what would be really cool? A Great Dane! Well, my Superman just lit up and he said that he would LOVE to have a Great Dane. So we decided that Monday morning I would hop on the internet and start looking around for info and breeders and costs.

Not 30 minutes later we pull into a gas station for snacks and Superman says "PalagiGirl, look at the car next to us." I turn to my right and staring me straight in the face, so close I could have kissed them are two HUGE Great Danes. Are you kidding me? If that is not a sign from heaven, people, I don't know what is! We talked to the owner and asked her about their eating habits, their temperaments, how much they poop, how good they are while traveling, etc. Then she let us go with her to take them for a walk. By the time we got back to the car, we were head over heels in love with them.

On Monday morning, I started looking online for breeders and was not having much luck when the wife of my co-worker popped in to pick up her hubby for lunch. She saw the Great Danes on my computer and when I told her that I was looking, she says "Are you going to buy one from the breeders in Dinosaur?" My jaw just dropped! THERE IS A GREAT DANE BREEDER 20 MINUTES AWAY! My Superman didn't believe me when I told him. We drove straight there and they had ONE puppy left, ONE! That puppy was CLEO, our baby! We knew she was ours the minute we saw her. The stars had aligned and we could not ignore it. We bought her on the spot.

Now I ask you, have you ever seen any dog who is more beautiful? I am not biased, my friends, there is NO OTHER dog who is as gorgeous and sweet natured and gentle and loving as my baby girl, Cleo.

Cleo is a house dog. She loves to be where we are at all times. She LOVES her walks and she can wrestle the kids like a pro. I have never seen her snappy, I have never heard her growl and aside from her tail, which is like a giant whip, she wouldn't hurt a fly. When we moved into our new house, she wouldn't go up the stairs until we chased her up with the vacuum cleaner. Yes, our 150 pound baby is scared of the vacuum.

Cleo's favorite thing in the world is riding in the car. She can take a 4 hour trip without so much as a wimper. Before I got my Expedition she would either sit on the seat with the kids or on the floor at their feet but when I got my sunroof there was only ONE spot she wanted to be. This is what I look like driving down the street on Planet Vernal. If I don't open the sunroof for her she will butt her head against it until I do. Nothing like making a spectacle of myself and we literally stop traffic. The little kids just go crazy when they see her.

This is a picture of Cleo's gigantic lips blowing in the breeze as we are driving down the road. Believe it or not she has never slobbered on me yet. (I know you are all thanking me for that visual.)

What can I say except that to know her is to love her. She is so gentle, she loves kids, she loves hugs, she loves bones, she loves to wrestle and RUN! Our girl can run like the wind! She really really wants to make friends with the cats and even though they don't want anything to do with her, she just keeps trying.

She's scared to death of heights, stairs, vacuums, stores (trying to get her into Petsmart one day, she sat on her butt, planted her feet and there was NO MOVING her) but she can't wait to get into the vets office, go figure.

Even with her faults, she is the perfect dog, the perfect friend. She completes our family. I wouldn't trade all of the inconveniences and difficulties of having a big dog for anything. No dog could ever be as wonderful.

So one last shot, I know this post is "hella long" but too bad, it's my blog. This is my nephew and Cleo. He too has fallen victim to her charms. And this picture was just too too sweet not to show off.

Greetings from Planet Vernal

2008-10-02T10:44:00.001-07:00

Welcome Earthlings! Just a quick visual tour of this strange and wonderful planet that I have managed to land myself and my family on. There really is no place in the universe quite like it. The creatures are strange, the people are stranger. We live two minutes from red rock and searing desert in one direction and mountain lakes, quaking aspens and bubbling streams in the opposite direction. It is BEAUTIFUL here any direction you turn.

In case it has escaped your attention, we live in the heart of Dinosaurland. Dinosaurs are everywhere on Planet Vernal including a rather large T-Rex in the center of town who insists on changing his outfit for every holiday. His fashion sense is...well...it tends to be a bit ridiculous. The cupid wings and bow and arrow he carries around in February are just downright poor taste. But he has a good personality and we citizens of Planet Vernal allow him his little eccentricities. It probably helps that he is rather large and has a mouthful of pointy sharp teeth. But I've had the opportunity to be around him for a few years now and I really think that if I insulted his fashion style he would probably just burst into tears and I would feel like an asshole. So Rexy Baby...if you're reading this...I love ya...bunny ears at Easter and all.

Please don't be alarmed! Rexy is not bearing down on my niece and nephew to gobble them up! I asked him repeatedly to step out of the shot but every time I would snap the picture he would jump back into frame. As you can see, he thought this was quite hysterical but my nephew and I were just annoyed with him.

This place is called Jone's Hole. It's a fish hatchery at the end of one of the most spectacular scenic drives I have ever taken. I took a truckload of pics. I wish I could post them all.

This is looking down into the "hole" for which it was named. The green clearing at the bottom is the actual hatchery and just beyond it is a hiking trail along the river. It is green, peaceful and one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. As you drive in, there are sheer rock cliffs with waterfalls, cedar and pine trees and breathtaking views.

Below is a pic of the girls taking a breather on the trail. We had the best time down here but I think my favorite part was when Superman almost stepped on a snake while taking a pee break and screamed like a woman. (Fun fact: there are no snakes in New Zealand. I think snakes may be his kryptonite.)

These are petroglyphs done by the Fremont Indians about 8,000 years ago. (Impressive, huh?) These were taken in Nine Mile Canyon, which is stretch of dirt road that is actually about 70 miles (ahem...after hours of driving out of this place, I'm thinking they should really think about a new name). But it's definitely worth the drive.

We drove down into high rock walls on every side and the writing was EVERYWHERE you looked. It was really amazing. But the cool thing was, it was really, really quiet down there. Like eerie quiet. You felt like you were being watched the whole time and there was NO ONE down there but us. And just to up the creepy factor, we put my Great Dane, Cleo, on her leash and my baby LOVES her walks but as we stepped into the cliffs, she FREAKED OUT! She pulled right out of her collar and ran back to the car and no matter what we did, she would not get out. It was really weird. I'm sure she sensed something we didn't but being oblivious to what was probably the spirits of Native American warrior guardians or something equally bad, we just wandered around down there for hours. Thankfully, we got out of there with no rocks falling on our heads or rattlesnakes in our path or any other revenge the Fremont's might want to inflict. But the place practically screams at you to tread lightly, show respect and just stand in awe and that's exactly what we did.

As for the native people of Planet Vernal, you will never meet a more eclectic and fun planet of people in your life. After growing up in a place actually nicknamed "Happy Valley", which by the way is predominately Mormon (this is not a bad thing), coming to Planet Vernal was a bit of a culture shock. Where I came from, the people you worked with, hung out with, did business with were the people you went to church with. And people you didn't go to church with, you didn't really know. But here, everybody knows everybody and not one person has ever asked me if I'm L.D.S. NOT ONE! Cuz they don't care. Everybody is friendly and happy, the gossip is fantastic, the BBQ's are frequent, every afternoon is beer-thirty, the funny never stops and nobody cares where you come from, what you do for a living or how much money you have. This is the only place I've ever lived where you can't tell the millionaires apart from the middle class. On Planet Vernal, you can go to a party and never even know that the man you've spent all night hanging out with just sold a plot of land down the road for 5 millions dollars, cuz seriously...nobody cares. On Planet Vernal, everybody is equal, everybody gets a second chance if they do something stupid and everybody is just "good people".

So I would encourage you all to come visit us. It's truly a remarkable place. You won't regret it. Bring your mountain bikes or rent a river raft in the summer and I promise you will see sights you never thought you'd ever see or even existed.

And don't forget to say hi to Rexy before you go!

Curiosity really DOES kill the cat!

2008-09-29T08:04:00.001-07:00

Our precious Luda Passed Away September 27, 2008

I know what you're all thinking....Oh my gosh, it's just a cat! But for us, Luda wasn't just a cat! She brought us happiness and laughter and we LOVED her. She was hit by a car and managed to make it home to her family before passing away. And our hearts are broken.

Now here is what I don't understand...I have seen dozens of cats on or near the road in my lifetime and I have managed to avoid hitting EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. So all I can figure out is that 1) the guy driving the truck intentionally swerved to hit my cat (in which case I hope you step on a fire ant hill wearing nothing but your underwear) or 2) he was doing Mach 90 down my street and didn't see her in time to avoid her (in which case, I still curse you but you can be wearing socks with your underwear). Either way, I am devastated and my children are broken hearted. Even Superman has shed tears for our precious friend.

Luda, you have left a hole in our family that can never be filled. My sock basket where you used to sleep is too empty, the thumping and tinkling bell we heard every night, you nocturnal little beast, is silenced forever and WE LOVE YOU and WE MISS YOU and we hope you are so happy in heaven because even though you never caught a single mouse, you shed on the furniture, you climbed up my curtains and you beat up on Cris every day, you were a good little kitty and your fate was not deserved.

P.S. I found this little pink paper this morning after the kids had caught the bus and I was leaving for work. Looks like my little tomato said it best:

Translation: Luda, I love you so so so much. Please make a sign on the paper so I know you love me too. If you do then give me a sign so I know that you will be with me forever and God, please make sure Luda is in your safety. Yes or No. Sign Please!

R.I.P our precious Luda

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! No...It's...MY SUPERMAN!

2008-09-22T07:59:00.000-07:00

Today is Superman's 46th birthday! As I've mentioned before, Superman and I met on Planet Vernal. I was visiting my best friend who was secretly trying to set me up with someone...make that ANYONE...from her husband's work. She had invited SEVERAL men to go out with us that night. I think she was hoping one of them might stick. She did this in secret. I would have protested loudly and possibly violently had I known what she was up to.
All the "candidates" had several things in common: They were all big boys, solid, wide, beer belly, trucker hat wearing, tobacco chewing good ol' boys. Don't get me wrong, most of them were really nice but as it dawned on me that there were no women showing up for this night of fun and that my BFF kept parading me in front of them like a prize pony at the stock show, I started to get really worried. I actually HID OUT...in the kitchen...with the kids.

My BFF came into the kitchen about 30 minutes into this little shindig and said to me, "Wait till you meet Superman, he's HUGE!" As I look out into the living room at the three men taking up EVERY INCH of the 8 foot sofa and the two others happily guzzling their third and fourth Budweiser on the love seat, I'm thinking...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Enter Superman! 6' 4" tall, 270 pounds of SOLID BEEFCAKE muscle, dark curly hair, deep brown eyes and his smell...OMG HIS SMELL...I'm breaking into a sweat just thinking about it.

Needless to say...I was hooked. At the end of the night, Superman walked me to the front door and as we were saying goodbye, without even thinking about it, I kissed him. Yeah, I know...just planted one on him. And I SWEAR...I did NOT see that coming. If he hadn't kissed me back I would have died of shame. But that kiss...it was WOW! WOW!

The next day he followed me home. I know what you're thinking people...no, he didn't stay at my house. He stayed at his sister's like a perfect gentleman. After that we had the best three dates of MY ENTIRE LIFE. And we have been together ever since.

So for your birthday, baby, a list of 25 random things about you and things that I love about you to share with the world...

1. Superman was born and raised in Auckland, New Zealand.
2. He has lived in New Zealand, Australia, Samoa and the good ol' U.S. of A.
3. He speaks two languages.
4. His accent is delicious.
5. He NEVER lies.
6. He has eight brother and sisters.
7. His mum passed away 26 years ago.
8. He still can't talk about her without getting teary.
9. He is named after his father.
10. He has his father's gentle personality.
11. His daughters are FIERCELY devoted to him.
12. He is a WONDERFUL father.
13. He can do mathematical equations in his head with super speed.
14. He can't spell worth a damn.
15. He used to play rugby.
16. He is an excellent cook.
17. He does housework.
18. He can make me laugh even when I am so mad I could kill somebody.
19. My mom says he is the perfect compliment to my personality.
20. I agree.
21. There is a reason I call him Superman.
22. He would KILL me if I told you what the reason is. (Use your imagination and NO...It's not what you're thinking....PERVS!)
23. He can talk on the phone for hours.
24. I have never seen him angry.
25. He LAUGHS all the time at EVERYTHING.

Superman DOES have his faults. He like action movies, he is meticulously clean, he naps in the afternoon, he insists on washing the cars every day he has off and it takes him like 2 hours, he won't fight with me, he is a push over when it comes to the girls getting their way, he has only read one book in his life, WHAT? But the truth is, if that is the worst I can ever expect from him then life is pretty good.

Honestly, I could never do him justice with words in a blog. My feelings are just too big, too strong. And I know now that I have never truly loved someone with my whole heart until he came along. I've never been so happy. ALL THE TIME happy. I've never been so at PEACE. There is never a moment when I think I've made a mistake or not wanted him there. We just fit perfectly. He was meant to find me and I was meant to find him and God knew what he was doing when he made me wait so long.

So Happy Birthday, my love. May there be many more. I promise to still love you when you have no teeth and your hair has turned white and the highlight of our day is pushing your walker to the back porch to watch the sunset. I will be sitting beside you holding your hand and I know we will still be laughing. Alofa Tele, my superman.

Always a bridesmaid....

2008-09-17T11:25:00.000-07:00

THIS is my Superman's oldest daughter! I know...SHE'S SUPERMODEL STUNNING! For the sake of this blog I will call her Sydney cuz that is where she is currently living. The lovely man with her is her fiance. I will call him PC, which is short for Prince Charming. They are getting married in February in Australia. Which means that ONE, we will have to help pay for the wedding, TWO, we will have to pay the airfare, passport fees, resident alien renewal fees, hotels, meals, etc. etc... for myself, my superman and our four girls for a two week stay. YIKES!

DON'T get me wrong! We are THRILLED!!!! Over the moon with happiness!!! PC is a FANTASTIC guy!!! And we don't want them to wait. They are perfect for each other and Sydney has not been this happy in a very long time. So Sydney....if you are reading this....I would pay ANY amount to see you marry this man and I would shell it out with a smile on my face! Just want to be clear on that point!

I was lucky enough to know a few days before the big proposal that it was going to happen and that Sydney would say yes. I was UNlucky enough to be sworn to secrecy because Sydney wanted to surprise her dad. Do you know how hard it is to NOT TELL the man you share EVERYTHING with that his BABY! his FIRSTBORN! is going to be getting married? WELL IT'S NOT EASY, SYDNEY! NOT EASY!!!!

So my superman and I are in Walmart and Prince Charming calls.

PC: "Hi, Brother Superman? It's PC."

Superman: "Who?"

Hee Hee.

At this point I walk away cuz I just wanted to give the man some breathing room, ya know?

PC: "I want to ask Sydney to marry me tonight and would like to ask your permission first."

Superman: "Um, YEAH, Um. Do you think she'll say yes?"

Now I am trying not to laugh hysterically and have to walk around to another aisle to keep him from seeing the look on my face.

Suddenly I am HIT...HARD...in the arm as it dawns on Superman that I KNEW all about this and have been keeping it from him. He's pointing his finger at me and mouthing scary threats.

And he has this shell shocked look on his face...like someone has just smacked him in the head and he doesn't know whether it was funny or if he should be ticked off.

Anyhoo...he made it through the conversation. Once he started breathing again and thinking clearly he told PC that yes, it is wonderful and yes, we are so happy and to please call us as soon as it's all over so we can get all the details. Once he had hung up it was time to hug him and smile and convince him that this is a good thing, that this is what Sydney wants and that yes, honey, PC is a GREAT guy and he will treat your baby like a princess.

And we are really really really happy for her! And I can't wait to see them come out of the temple as husband and wife. And I can't wait to dance at her reception and toast to their eternal happiness.

Except.....

My superman and I are also supposed to get married. This year. And as I am hugging my honey and laughing and talking about the money and the trip, this little nagging thought is swirling over and over in my head.... there is NO WAY my superman and I will be able to get married now. At least not until next Spring or next Summer. It's not Sydney's fault. Or even PC's. It's just that if I want a real wedding, I will have to wait.

I didn't bring up this little tidbit to my superman until a few weeks had gone by. He feels bad and says over and over that it doesn't cost hardly anything to go to the courthouse. And he's right. That would be the cheapest and fastest way to get it done. But I don't want to just GET IT DONE. I want a wedding. Nothing grand. I was never one of those girls who fantasized about her wedding day and picked her colors and her flowers and had her bridesmaids all picked out in the 10th grade. I really don't like to be the center of attention. But I DO want to walk down the aisle. I do want to see the look on my superman's face as I walk towards him. I do want my children standing up there in matching dresses and holding bouquets. I want a cake and a dinner and I want our parents and my brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews there.

I KNOW that it's not about the day, it's about committing yourself to the one you love. OK, I get that! But we have already DONE that. We ARE married in our hearts. Now I just want to celebrate it. Is that selfish of me? I'm 36 years old for heaven's sake! I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 years. We are raising our children together. We pay our bills together. And it's not like we haven't had a billion little honeymoons over the last few years but still...

Of course I would go to the courthouse and I would stand up and shout my vows from the rooftops and it will still be one of the happiest days of my life. But will I regret not having a wedding? Will we be fifty years old and renewing our vows in front of Elvis in Vegas just so I can capture some lost experience? Or will none of that matter when I become Mrs. Superman?

I wish I could see into the future. I wish we could just win to lotto or inherit some serious CASH. I would pay for Sydney's wedding and fly them to Tahiti for their honeymoon. And the day they get back, me, my superman, our girls including Sydney and our new PC-in-law would welcome our family and friends to the biggest wedding bash the world has ever seen.

I think I deserve it. I've waited long enough.

25 Things......

2008-09-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

1. I have a twin brother
2. We don't look anything alike.
3. In High School, most people didn't even know we were related.
4. I grew up in a haunted house.
5. I had the highest S.A.T. score in my high school.
6. I barely graduated.
7. We had squirrels for pets.
8. I hate my hometown and only go back there when I have to.
9. My favorite TV show right now is Ghost hunters.
10. My favorite TV show of all time is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
11. I've been engaged to be married four times.
12. I don't believe in settling for less.
13. I have an idea of the perfect man.
14. I believe that at 36 years old, I have finally found him.
15. I have two stepbrothers, three stepsisters and three half sisters.
16. One of my half sisters is my best friend.
17. I know bad words in both Maori and Samoan.
18. I also know "I love you" in both Maori and Samoan.
19. I am a full foot shorter than my super hero.
20. My favorite book is To Kill a Mockingbird.
21. I am a Sagittarius.
22. I open my mouth to speak and whatever I am thinking just comes out.
23. Sometimes this pisses people off.
24. I am thinking of moving my family to Australia.
25. I wish I had a better relationship with my father.

Beauty One and Beauty Two

2008-09-15T14:03:00.001-07:00

I have to put The Two Beauties in the same post because they are really two halves of the same whole. I have never seen two sisters who are so different and yet so close. Beauty One is fiercely independent, confident and has a serious shoe fetish. The girl has 50 pair of shoes. It's ridiculous. She graduated from high school two years ago and has no idea what she wants to be or any plans for the future. Right now her immediate plans are to find and job and save money to go to Australia for her sister's wedding in February. Beyond that....???? That's OK though. She's young and fearless. Her possibilities are endless. She is also the peacemaker in the family. By peacemaker I don't mean quietly or gently telling her sisters that they are behaving badly. She keeps the peace by saying things like "Shut up, Stupid! Why are you acting like that?" or "Oh no, you did not just say that." or "Ima punch your face if you don't get up and do it now!" And inexplicably, the younger girls jump to it and do whatever it is their sister wants them to do. I didn't realize how much of an influence Beauty One has over her sisters until she left us for several months after her senior year. I lost complete control of her two younger sisters because I have a hard time being tough on them and their father is even worse than I am...lucky for us, they are just naturally good girls...but when Beauty One came home, the balance was restored. She quickly put all the younger girls in their place and with a few well said "shut up, Stupids" the girls were again giving us the respect we deserved. Well...kinda. As much respect as you can get from teenagers.

Beauty One has a quick wit and finds everything funny. She has too many friends and spends hours on the phone. Everyone who meets her loves her and wants to hang out with her. Including her younger sisters who absolutely IDOLIZE her. Because she is so fun and also so pretty, she can get away with murder. When she's in trouble she smiles this huge smile and says "OK!" in a high pitched "I couldn't possibly do anything wrong" voice and you just let her get away with it. Everyone does. The only person this doesn't get by is her Auntie. It doesn't fool her ONE BIT. But I'm telling you, this girl is the WHOLE package. Smart, sweet, beautiful and fun. I don't know what she will end up doing with herself but I can guarantee that she will be just fine. This girl can take care of herself. She is the first of my stepchildren to ever say the words "I love you" to me and she will probably never know how much that means.

Beauty Two is 3 years younger than her big sister. Where Beauty One is loud and flirty, Beauty Two is quiet and shy. Beauty One flirts with boys just to flirt. She has no intention of getting into a "relationship" with a boy, she just likes the attention. Beauty Two also likes the attention unless it's a boy she really likes. Then she clams up and won't say a word. I'm sure that most of the boys she wants really do like her as much but they think she doesn't give a crap about them cuz she won't even give them the time of day. She is quiet, unless she's with her sisters or her friends, super smart (she gets the best grades of all my girls), she's every teachers pet and they let her get away with just about anything. If the girls in her class aren't her friend, they at least know who she is. She's also a really good basketball player and is just naturally athletic. She's good at anything she tries to do.

Beauty Two is also the moodiest of the beauties. When she is mad or doesn't get her way she can make the whole house miserable. Nothing can pull her out of her bad moods unless its new clothes, new shoes or just giving her money. She loves to drive anything, wants a Range Rover when she gets her license (yeah right, good luck with that) and she's the daughter who put the first big ding in my beautiful Expedition (ARGGGGG!!!!!) But you can't be mad at her cuz she can cry with the best of them. Out of all the girls she demands the most attention and you just naturally want to give it to her. She's also the most helpful to me as far as housework and dinner. She's always lending a hand and steps it up a notch or two especially when she wants something (which is pretty much all the time). Beauty Two and the little tomato fight constantly. Over everything. It makes me crazy. But they can be ready to kill each other one minute and be laughing hysterically the next. They usually start laughing when I start yelling cuz even though I think I am really scary and ferocious, they just think I'm hilarious.

The two Beauties together is really something wonderful to behold. Beauty One looks out for her sister even if it's just to tell her that her outfit looks bad. (Ummm...you're really not going out like that, are you?) When the girls were living out of the country, Beauty One made sure that the money we sent her was allocated where it needed to be and that her little sister had the things she needed. When it came time for the girls to come here and live, it was Beauty One who insisted that Beauty Two needed to come with her and not be left behind. When they are at home, they talk all night about everything. There are no secrets between them and when one or the other feels that it is a secret that needs to be told to me or her father they give each other the encouragement to do it. The do each other's hair, they share each other clothes and jewelry and when they are married one day and having babies, they will raise each other's children. They are EVERYTHING two sisters should be to each other.

My hope is that they will never take each other for granted, they will never have a fight that can't be patched up in five minutes, they will always live within driving distance or at least texting distance of each other. I hope they will always know how much I admire them, how much I love them and how blessed I am to have them in my life.

The stepmother is not always "The Stepmonster"

2008-09-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

My superman was living by himself on Planet Vernal when we met. He told me that he had four girls, told me their names and showed me some pictures and I could tell how proud he was of them but other than that I didn't know much. I knew they lived in another country with their mom. I knew that she left with the kids and left him with her mess to clean up. I knew that the girls loved their father very much and I knew that my superman missed his girls so much that sometimes he cried. I knew he sent them money every paycheck and I knew he spoke to them whenever he could. That was about it.

Things changed one night when he came to pick me up for a night out and he was smiling and excited after talking to his girls. We had only been seeing each other for a few months and I KNEW I was in love with him but I had been reserving any strong emotional outburst of my undying devotion to him (omg...the sap!) until I had this father-daughter relationship of his figured out. Anyhoo, he had told his girls that after a year of singledom, he had met and fallen in love with someone and their reaction was elation. They shrieked and yelled and cried with joy that he had finally taken the step away from his unhappy 20 year marriage and was moving on to something promising and hopeful.

I was floored. You see and hear all the time about children being upset with their parents for dating and hating the new significant other. You hear that children resent the fact that their parents don't love each other anymore and don't want to see a parent replaced by someone else and yet here are these girls jumping up and down and cheering their father's happiness. It spoke volumes to me of their love for their daddy and let me know that my superhero had done something right in the way they were raised. He doesn't even know this but that moment....sitting in his car telling me about this phone call...that was when everything clicked into place for me. That was when I knew I would marry this man and we would be together forever.

Six months later my superhero and I have shacked up on Planet Vernal and the dreaded Ex calls him out of the blue and asks him if he would like for his youngest little tomato to come and live with him. Now it's one thing being a stepmom long distance but it's another thing entirely to have them living with us. Not to mention the fact that own stepparents, both my mom's husband and my dad's wife, resented and ignored me when I was growing up and I just didn't know what kind of Stepmommy I would be. Would I resent them? Would I be jealous? Would this be the thing, cuz there is always a thing, that starts the downward spiral of our relationship? I didn't know.

I remember when my mom finally left her second husband after 14 years of marriage. He called my brother and I to his home and in a desperate act to get my mother back he tearfully apologized for all of the terrible things he had done to us. He cried and said that we didn't deserve it and would we please forgive him for being such a son of a bitch for all those years. And then he said something I will never forget...he said, "I don't care what anyone tells you, you can NEVER love your stepkids as much as your own."

This statement hurt so deep that even 15 years later it still pisses me off to think about it. I remember thinking WHY? Why can't you love a child, any child as much as your own child. Why is that SO HARD? And I decided that I would never marry someone who already has children because I would never want to put any kid through what I had lived through. If you can't love your stepchildren like your own then don't have stepchildren. It's not fair to them.

Of course, when I made this promise to myself I was only 19 years old. I didn't know that I would be 33 when I met the love of my life. It's not practical to think that I would meet at this late date a decent man who has never been married and has no kids. Honestly, if he's never been married at 35 or so there is probably a really good reason.

So of course I agreed to our little tomato coming to live with us. I remember bringing home the check that would pay for her ticket and handing it to my superhero and telling him to call the airline and book the plane ride. I remember the look of astonishment on his face and I remember us holding each other and crying tears of joy.

That was over two years ago. Our little tomato is 10 years old now and she is so funny and so sweet. She is the entertainment in the house and never fails to make me laugh at any given opportunity. I can't even bear to think of the happiness I would have denied myself, my daughter and my superhero had I chickened out and not allowed her to come.

And as for my Stepmonsters statement that you can't love a child that is not your own as much? He was wrong. Dead wrong. She is a light in my soul. She is the daughter that God promised to me when I was little and said I wanted to be a mommy when I grow up and have six kids. She was training for the other two girls that came to us two months later. And her coming only brought my super hero and I to a new level of love and growth. Our lives are full, crazy busy, loud, active and beautiful. I've never felt so blessed. And I promise all of my daughters, because they ARE my daughters, that I will ALWAYS love them completely and unconditionally. I know this is possible now.

com-plete: having all parts; lacking nothing; whole; entire; full

2008-09-10T13:24:00.000-07:00

I spent the first 12 years of my daughter's life single and focused only on getting the two of us through the next day. We lived paycheck to paycheck. We lived in a 2 bedroom slum and I worked full time at a job I hated. I didn't date much. I had no time and the complications were just too much to take on my already full plate. And I LOVE my daughter. She is the reason I stayed at a job I hated, the reason I got my tired ass out of bed to church on Sundays, sometimes the only reason I kept on day after day, the reason I laugh, cry, smile, live and love. She has managed to put up with me and at 15 years old has turned out to be a wonderful, sweet, GreenDay loving, Hot Topic shopping, cartoon drawing, unique, talented tomboy.

A few years ago I met and fell in love with my super hero. He would be only the second man I dated that I introduced to my daughter and would be the only man that I would have considered good enough to help me raise my child. She NEVER resented that she had to share me with him and has handled the fact that I moved her to a new town in the middle of nowhere and given her 4 new sisters like a champ. It wasn't easy but considering that she could have turned to drugs or run away from home or any other of the horrible things you hear about I would say she did EXCELLENT! And I honestly believe that she sucked it up and adapted so well because she wanted to see me happy. I'm telling you....SHE IS....well....she is perfect.

When I got pregnant with my girl I was 20 years old and not a very nice person. I lived a pretty selfish life. For reasons that I may get into later, I was one messed up cookie. I was manipulative and mean. I only cared about the next party, the next good time. My parents had written me off and I was on my own moving from place to place. My daughter's father was 10 years older than me and also liked a good party. He was a lost soul and we all know what happens when two lost souls meet. We just got more lost. By the time I found out I was pregnant, the two of us had moved back to my home state and both of us were out of work, broke and hating each other. When I told him I was pregnant, he told me to get an abortion or get out. I left. I was scared, homeless and living in my car. I ended up going to my family who I had treated so crappy and tried living with first my father, then some friends and finally ended up in an unfinished apartment above my mother's ex-husband's garage. It had no running water, no toilet and I was at the lowest point in my life. I wanted to die but couldn't because I had this little "creature" growing inside of me. I blamed it (her) for my situation (far be it for me to point the finger at myself) and was mad at the world. I put on a good face but I couldn't wait for her to get out so I could go back to my old life. I felt I had been put "on hold".

Fast forward through nine long dark months to a Spring day 15 years ago and they are putting this tiny, screaming creature into my arms. I hear my mom say"Talk to your daughter."

Me: Hi Baby.

She instantly stops crying, like someone flipped a switch and just stares at me.

Me: I'm your mommy.

Just silently staring at me, blinking and looking directly into my eyes. She can't talk but I can still hear her...no... SEE her...saying to me with her eyes....Hi mommy. I know you. I love you.

Suddenly, I was whole....complete. In that one moment, that instant of quiet bonding I became a different person. Suddenly I was living because she was there. She filled the space in me that I didn't even know I was missing.

I never did go back to my old ways. I didn't see most of my party crowd again and most of the friends that I did have moved on to bigger parties and more disfunction. Daddy skipped town for good when my daughter was four months old never to be seen again. And I became mommy. And I LOVED it. I never did a single thing that was for myself only. Everything.....EVERYTHING I did from that moment on was for her.

I hope that she knows. I hope that she sees that I don't breathe without her. That I don't make any decisions but that I first think of her. That even when I'm angry with her that I still love her more than my own life. When she hurts, I hurt. When she's happy, I'm happy... because we are the same. We are part of each other....complete.

Here I Am...This is me...well almost

2008-09-09T15:12:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I am doing this. Writing a blog. WOW! I love blogs. I read them everyday. I have several saved in my favorites and I check them religiously. Some of you I know and some of you are complete strangers who have touched me in some way. The more you reveal in your blogs, the more I love you. As for myself, I never reveal anything about myself to anyone except my Superman. He probably knows more about me than any human on the planet ever will. I am a mystery to my parents, my siblings and my friends. They don't know me at all. I don't really know why that is and before my super hero found me I was very very lonely. But then I started to read these amazing blogs about these amazing people and I loved and hated that they could just put ANYTHING out there. So....Here I Am...
My brain is FULL of things I would like to write and stories I would like to share. I will be posting them after today. But THIS POST is my first step. I'm putting my self out there. And it's scarier than I thought it would be. I don't know if anyone will ever read this or if I will ever even tell anyone that I am here in this spot in the world but today I am starting and my heart is pounding and I'm finding it hard to breathe and I will probably read and reread this before I post. BUT I WILL POST!....OK!...Breathe....breathe.......